Tough to face

Hi .

Its been tough the last week or so more downs than ups , cant sleep at night hate the dark and quiet . Its noisier in my head at night and that brings me to where i am tonight ! .Its been a really tough couple days , i say theres a lot of noise in my head and today for the first time i told someone , its not noise its voices i hear ! . Not like you would think like One Flew Over the Cuckoos Nest or like i imagined before i was ill , its hard to explain its doesnt sound like my voice its vicious , cruel and almost relentless . Anyway i told Ann and she was as always comforting but unfortunately it caused me to break into pieces again , its just so embarrasing admitting that to someone openly !

Feels like im losing grip on reality actually going insane , am i ?

I dont know , i cant always tell whats real and whats not . Today was probably the first time i actually hated me i didnt like who i was but starting to grow to be hating myself .

Good things this week apart from all the kindness and support i have received from everyone , couple things and this is true as i have experinced it a lot over the last week or so is that you find out who your friends are when your proper in the shit , i had a vist out of the blue from a very good friend of mine Andy . He really is just a nice guy he had came to make sure i was ok even though we havent seen each other for a while , so i guess for anyone reading this feeling like shit folk never fail to surprise you and you never know whose just gonna pop in make sure your ok .

I will finish this up with really why i started writing tonight , i was lying with my head on Anns chest and i could hear her heart starting to beat a bit slower as she fell asleep , and it made me smile shes resting.

Sleeping getting the peace that she so deserves , she puts so much time and energy in it ! It was something i hadnt noticed before and it was well , just nice .

Thanks

From my diary

Hi .

These are all excerpts from my diary from weeks ago and more recent , things i scribble down when i am feeling overwhwhelmed or having a particularly bad day , its all part of my journey through depression .

Friday .. Tired today went too far last night in the car on my own , dry mouth i was panicking . Not a nice journey my arms and face were tingling going numb and my head hurts . Because its not just the self loathing , the guilt , feelings of being uselessness, the dark thoughts . It is also the panic the paranoia , people are looking , judging you laughing at you just blind panic .

Yesterday was not a good day i struggled all day felt really low and worthless and useless , made a cake and done some photo frames with Ann and was quite happy with that . But numb still not feeling much which is weird because you feel these horrible things yet i dont feel any real emotion just numb but overwhelmed at the same time , like standing in a room full of people but your totally alone ! I see me but its not me .

Then a rush of that black dark feeling comes on and crash back to being stuck in my bad headspace , head noisy too much going on not much energy to do anything about it .

Bad time in Tesco panicked tried my exercises its just getting worse and worse gotta leave get out the noise is unbearable in my head .

Ann looked and sounded quite pissed off yesterday , cant blame her at all really its a lot of shit to put up with !

Slipping back into the darkness again i can feel it ! Thinking more and more that i am in the way a nuisance a burden , the voices in the darkness get louder and louder until thats all i can hear , why is the voice getting louder ?

I was thinking suicide or run away just disappear away from here start new somewhere else, somewhere no one knows me somewhere quiet .

So tired arguing with myself dont sleep tired sleep tired it makes no difference at all it seems .

Here is where i am !!

Me

From then til now how it started

I guess there were signs i was becoming unwell mentally when i look back now , i was constantly tired couldnt concentrate at work , memory was getting worse and then eventually SNAP went my brain and i had a breakdown in front of my wife and son and ended up in the hospital diagnosed with severe depression.

Now i have no recollection of the six weeks following the breakdown only that my wife and son had to hide keys to the doors my car my wallet in a bid to stop me carrying out my goal my suicide , it was all i thought about it consumed me , a voice in my head just constantly telling me your useless worthless , a failure !!

I have made a plan of my suicide and i have written several notes , i have started to make the journey and stopped i cant say why as i dont know. I take multiple anti depresants and diazapam just to get me through the days , though the nights are worse there is a darkness that lurks in me like me but not me and it takes me to places no person should go !! I dont feel scared i feel as if i die im free i get peace , peace from the noise in my head , and all around me people would be better off without me .

Maybe someone will recognise the early signs of depression and get help before it takes over and maybe your where i am right now either way i am and have been both .

Ok so here goes this is as raw as it gets for me from the first day until now , i have overpowering feelings of guilt , failure , confusion , exhaustion , mouths dry face and hands go numb i know its coming i try to talk over the voice in my head but it always shouts louder , pulling me into the dark dark place . I am too tired to fight anymore it just takes too much effort . Effort i just dont have , but cant give in not just yet the forth road bridge plan is being put in place , my plan of how i am ending it .

This is almost every day for me like a broken record just skipping back to the same place over and over , most days struggle to get out of bed have a shower get dressed even . luckily for me i have an absolute rock of a wife that has had to put up with so much , the constant worry of me committing suicide . My son seeing his dad almost destroyed by depression and aware his dad is suicidal , thats tough to take making your own son feel like that , my family my friends .

So today this is where i am , a place only i can understand yet not make sense of . And it is a place , not a nice place a horrid panic stricken confusing black dark place . An easy place to end up it would seem , i thought i was strong im not i thought i was ok i am not .

Guilt is the worst , i see the pain in there eyes i see the hurt it causes adding to my agony , guilt crushing you like a huge stone and struggling to breathe , not in my head i can feel it actually physically . You try so hard to smile to be happy pretend your ok , its an act and one i have became good at , like a defence mechanism , cant show weakness thats not on is it , but it is as they say ok to not be ok , its just exhausting to the point where i feel physical pain , legs and arms heavy and sore , eyelids heavy . sick in the pit of my stomach .

I dont know who i am or where im going or even who i will be if i come through the other side , maybe the darkness will win eventually grind away at me until the tanks empty . Then peace maybe …

I will try post every day , feel free to ask questions chat or just ramble on its not therapy its maybe just helpful for someone .

Thanks

Quick intro

Hi i was diagnosed with severe depression in July 2019 and have been battling with it since then , as part of my recovery i have been writing a diary , how i feel , my thoughts at the time and suddenly dawned on me i would be able to share with people whether going through similair or maybe just the first signs . Worst case it gives me some kind of purpose a reason maybe just to offload !

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