I guess there were signs i was becoming unwell mentally when i look back now , i was constantly tired couldnt concentrate at work , memory was getting worse and then eventually SNAP went my brain and i had a breakdown in front of my wife and son and ended up in the hospital diagnosed with severe depression.
Now i have no recollection of the six weeks following the breakdown only that my wife and son had to hide keys to the doors my car my wallet in a bid to stop me carrying out my goal my suicide , it was all i thought about it consumed me , a voice in my head just constantly telling me your useless worthless , a failure !!
I have made a plan of my suicide and i have written several notes , i have started to make the journey and stopped i cant say why as i dont know. I take multiple anti depresants and diazapam just to get me through the days , though the nights are worse there is a darkness that lurks in me like me but not me and it takes me to places no person should go !! I dont feel scared i feel as if i die im free i get peace , peace from the noise in my head , and all around me people would be better off without me .
Maybe someone will recognise the early signs of depression and get help before it takes over and maybe your where i am right now either way i am and have been both .
Ok so here goes this is as raw as it gets for me from the first day until now , i have overpowering feelings of guilt , failure , confusion , exhaustion , mouths dry face and hands go numb i know its coming i try to talk over the voice in my head but it always shouts louder , pulling me into the dark dark place . I am too tired to fight anymore it just takes too much effort . Effort i just dont have , but cant give in not just yet the forth road bridge plan is being put in place , my plan of how i am ending it .
This is almost every day for me like a broken record just skipping back to the same place over and over , most days struggle to get out of bed have a shower get dressed even . luckily for me i have an absolute rock of a wife that has had to put up with so much , the constant worry of me committing suicide . My son seeing his dad almost destroyed by depression and aware his dad is suicidal , thats tough to take making your own son feel like that , my family my friends .
So today this is where i am , a place only i can understand yet not make sense of . And it is a place , not a nice place a horrid panic stricken confusing black dark place . An easy place to end up it would seem , i thought i was strong im not i thought i was ok i am not .
Guilt is the worst , i see the pain in there eyes i see the hurt it causes adding to my agony , guilt crushing you like a huge stone and struggling to breathe , not in my head i can feel it actually physically . You try so hard to smile to be happy pretend your ok , its an act and one i have became good at , like a defence mechanism , cant show weakness thats not on is it , but it is as they say ok to not be ok , its just exhausting to the point where i feel physical pain , legs and arms heavy and sore , eyelids heavy . sick in the pit of my stomach .
I dont know who i am or where im going or even who i will be if i come through the other side , maybe the darkness will win eventually grind away at me until the tanks empty . Then peace maybe …
I will try post every day , feel free to ask questions chat or just ramble on its not therapy its maybe just helpful for someone .