Open the box

Open the box ..
what’s in this box ? To be honest I’m not really sure think it’s stuff like losing vans and cars being made bankrupt losing my bank account being financially reduced to my knees having my sister and son bail me out with money trying to commit suicide going missing getting wasted and having seriously bad arguments that almost made my wife leave me live with the threat that at any time they could take my house , cutting myself , embarrassing myself and letting Ann owen and my family down crushing guilt losing everything that I had worked for , for nigh on 20 years of blood sweat and tears and soo many late night early mornings working and doing invoicing and tax vat and corp tax returns all disappeared in one night also will never get over owen seeing me in that state crying and loosing my grip on reality, knowing I had brought my family to near financial ruin and have no way of making it any better it still haunts me many other things I can’t put my finger on just now , they all think it’s getting better and it’s not really I still hear my voices still have night terrors still think about suicide still find it hard to get up not bothered if I shower or shave feel destructive and struggling to not cut myself tho I have a few times and excised it away I feel so much pressure to fix these problems then there’s having to put shadow to sleep I am still pushing that one down for later so I suppose in conclusion I am dealing with day to day life and feeling like I’m at the edge of a cliff and one foot the wrong way and it’s all over , in a state of numb nothingness with suicide not far away hate Ann having to look and be with someone so depressed , so I put it on ! fake smiles trying to take the edge off and make her a bit happier as I’m terrified she’s going to leave , it is exhausting , I’m so exhausted mentally and physically , new meds don’t have as many side effects but not sure they’re working not keen on telling dr Sharma as I’ve had so many changes also not telling Andy the whole truth and I know you’ll think it’s stupid but I don’t like disappointing him and if I’m not pushing forward I just tell him I am ?! Stupid I know but I can’t with help it or stop myself though I do it with everyone so at least I can buy into the bullshit maybe , ?? Someone asked me if I had a wish what would it be ? Instant answer wasn’t to be cured it was to just have one day just one day being normal , making people happy and lifting a room instead of bringing it down , and thinking normal thoughts rather than having fukd up thoughts and confusion ! talking to people and then being exhausted , night terrors are draining me further and even hurting myself during the terror , all sorts of ones for instance just gripped with absolute fear for no reason , people in the room like shadows taunting me cutting at me , someone in the corner muttering and I go to see what it is , terrified . it’s a shadow with a black hood muttering you will die soon your dreams will make sure you stay here and don’t return you’ll be mine , laughing , These are a few and now I am terrified to go to sleep ! I’m in a better place than I was as it’s not as black but without the darkness I can see more and it seems darker if that makes any sense ? I’m not even going into where covid is taking me because that’s not something I have any room for just now , i catch myself in the mirror and mostly don’t recognise him ! Fifth change of meds so now taking four different tablets twice a day , basically I am confused and lost overwhelmed by everything , seems to me the darkness is better as it wasn’t as confusing and exhausting for me , I have no real clue what impact this has had on those close to mealso friends sending supportive messages . I do kinda know and I know it is living hell and apologies dont even make a dent , I can only imagine but don’t want to go there as it’s too
much pain and I have no strength left to deal
with that or be told how bad they feel and the impact I think would be devastating for me , I feel fragile like a bottle on the road and it’s up to fate if it’s smashed or if its picked up and kept whole
Just lost

Thanks

Poem maybe ?

Having anxiety and depression is like being scared and tired at the same time. It’s the fear of failure, coupled with no urge to be productive. It’s wanting friends but hating socializing. It’s wanting to be alone but not wanting to be lonely. It’s feeling everything at once, yet being paralyzingly numb.

Thanks

Still here

Hi .

It’s been a wee while since my last post because I have been writing in my diary I just still not sure what to write for a change ! Can’t write about how I feel because I have no feelings one way or another I feel like I’m wandering around in no mans land , just stoating about nowhere to go nothing to interest me ? Honestly if someone done something to hurt me it doesn’t . Been a tough few weeks with Ann being bitten by Shadow and then having to have her put to sleep , she used to sleep in the conservatory and I still can’t bring myself to go in , not really so much upsetting for me I feel it’s like I’m intruding on her space . With Anns hands being out of action I’ve had to pick up the slack and it is exhausting and i was discussing this with Andy and we kind of agreed that I am pushing so hard that my brain is going backwards to try protect itself hence why I feel no real joy or happiness and being able to pretend and smile through is as ever just sucking the life out of me it was also mentioned that I now understand what’s going on , and that is frightening as the version Andy thinks is not the case , I feel now as if this is me this will be me and I will have to decide if I can live being so empty ? it’s a strange place to be ! , like before it was dark and terrifying now it’s kinda like I can see the darkness and it’s not in my bubble but instead it’s scraping and kicking to get in and there’s no way for me to stop it so it’s just a matter of time before it gets in and I’m the same as I was before , it’s a very sick thing that it gives you a bit hope then nah you’ve had enough time away , time to go back . Everything is just coming flying at me and I am totally overwhelmed by the new problems never mind still trying to unpick the tangled mess that’s there already, could use words like hopeless , disconnected from the world , actually just going through the motions floating along , drifting I suppose ? The demons still torture me but most frequently it’s night terrors where they do there worst ! There are no ways to describe how vivid they are , and terrifying. So I’m guess I’m just waiting to see what happens the next couple weeks and then the new meds will be right in my system and can see if they are working, and if not another change , number 5 !! I don’t like what I think is understanding the illness I think it’s more I am aware how bad it is and I don’t like where that’s taking me . Scared feeling like this numbness will make me choose where to be or has decided already and I am preparing myself for it , cards in a row and boxes ticked . I have notes that I’ve still to organise into this blog so maybe some clarity there ?? Who knows ? No more visits to see Andy as the buildings closing so that’s freaking me and then the meds what if they run out and I can’t take them anymore ? Covid 19 is causing uncertainty and panic , lifting the anxiety .

Thanks for listening / reading . Speak soon

Poem retweet

Guilt-pushed wet pillow on my face;
What have I done? There’s no trace,
But there must have something happened,
There must have something happened.

I don’t know much what’s going on;
I have no goal, no role I could be living on,
I’m just surviving day to day,
Day to day.

But today – tonight, I opened a file;
Full of photos of a guy with the same profile,
But he is stranger to me,
Stranger to me.

On the photos, he was with a girl;
I would lie if I say I don’t know her,
But I can feel nothing,
I can feel nothing.

I don’t know who’s that guy;
He was so happy, but how and why,
How is it possible,
It’s impossible.

I don’t know who they are;
Why are they so bizarre,
They are a copy of me,
Were a copy of me.

That guy was in love with her;
Then, why I can’t refer,
What’s going on,
What’s going on.

You hurt and destroyed her;
But I didn’t even know her,
No, it’s all your fault,
It’s all your fault.

I’m guilty and for sure I’m crying;
I wish I could be faster dying,
Rather than feeling guilty,
While it wasn’t me.

I don’t know that guy, nor myself;
That girl must have left our self,
I am alone with my pain,
Who am I? I claim.

I sleep some nights or glance my eyes;
It happens: everything resets as lies,
But I didn’t mean any of that hurt,
I should have put out an alert:

Don’t approach; I may be fine today;
But I’m a new person every day,
Making you happy for a while,
Then, putting you into a file
With a lost profile
That comes out rarely
Feeling guilty,
Unhealthy,
Crazy.

How quick it changes

Hi

In the last 24 hrs I have suddenly with none of the usual gradual signs that I am crashing , as I’m writing this at 6 am I’ve been awake most of the night with no sleep the previous 24 hours , the night terrors won’t leave me alone and I am genuinely absolutely terrified ! I have that sick feeling in the pit of my stomach , it’s like a twisted knot that I can feel like a crushing panic , I want to run away , I want out and this scares me going down this road I’m in the dark place against and I can’t ever remember how I get up from it , I never can ! I am gripped with a sickening feeling that if I don’t run it’ll be self harm or suicide . Where can I run to just disappear, hide from the terror and get some peace though I’ve still got the voices to deal with , angrier and getting impossible to not listen to . I’ve been here before many times , not hungry , not interested in anything , can’t concentrate. I’m back in the darkness I’m giving it everything I’ve got mentally and physically but you know what I’m just too tired and can’t be bothered it’s winning at the moment , crushing me , sucking the good out and leaving me with nothing , I feel totally useless and worthless , things just keep piling up on top of me like heavy weights making my arms and legs feel like lead weights . Every little thing that goes wrong it works back to me and being ill and drags me down further into the darkness , not able to work , cant even give a lift to someone because I’m not fit to drive . I am contributing absolutely nothing . So the suggestion from the voices is get rid of my useless fucking self and that seems like the option just now . I just wander about getting in the way and stopping people living there own lives instead they are living mine with me and I can’t take that anymore . I am dragging everyone down with me and I can’t , won’t let that happen anymore , I just don’t know how to stop it !! Not safe at the moment feel fragile and not giving a fuck dangerous where I will just do anything as there’s no real pain or consequences for me . I sometimes feel just bored of it bored with the illness , the pills , the counselling the constant fog or darkness , basically everything , I am at the end of my tether and don’t know how much longer I can be trapped in this shitty place causing pain and fear all about me ! If I’m done with it I’m sure everyone else is too . Even writing this I am feeling sick because I know what comes next !!! I’m done really just exhausted I would just lie down somewhere quiet and wait , fall asleep and not wake up and have peace along with everyone else, the mikes in my hand and I want to drop it and that’s me out …..

Thanks

Strange week , good bits , bad bits !!

Hi .

Been a weird week had a lot to get on with , my 50th birthday and the fuss that went with that , seeing family and eating out , two nights away with Ann in a hotel ! Sound like a good week ? Oh and another change of meds ! I would normally be loving a week like that , but na no for me I will celebrate that birthday later .

I think this is the fourth meds change and two changes in two weeks the first change meds were making my mouth so dry I couldn’t swallow without a drink , and gave me what I called instanger ! I was going from zero to absolutely raging for no one obvious reason and having no recollection of what I had been shouting about or who I was shouting at really no memory of it , absolutely brutal , then zero again and be like … what ? I don’t remember this at all but I had a proper go at Ann , my mum and my sister , don’t know what was said but I had a horrible feeling there was an apology due , very upsetting !!

So back to the psychiatrist to change meds again , the new meds don’t seem to have as many side effects as the others , and believe me having only three side effects from the meds is a happy day for me. It’s something no one would really think about I mean you take tablets two or three times a day you get better , thank you very much . Eh no the side effects can be as brutal as parts but of this illness , short list and I’ve had all of them , not all at once but at least four at a time they inc . Irritability , very dry mouth , dizziness , sweating , night terrors , constipation , sickness , blurred vision , shaking , blurred vision , confusion and an inability to concentrate on anything , so no driving ! These are some of the worst side effects I’ve had to deal with and that’s every day not just every once in a while ! So taking meds can be really tough on you and dealing with the illness at the same time , not much fun to be had with taking tablets that can take two to three weeks to get into your system and then see if they work , and if not repeat the cycle for a change of meds !! Oh I forgot the sleep walking , sleep eating ( it is a thing ) sounds funny I know but it’s not good for the waist and is actually really distressing when you wake up and there’s empty wrappers , packets of biscuits and all sorts of food on the floor ! One night I had a magnum ice cream only to wake up with it melting on my chest #*#*@ , spose it is quite funny , though I was raging , I hate wasting good ice cream !! So survived my birthday and then slowly from the background the angry voice was back really loud and very angry , been going for three days / nights now . Night terrors they’re there , been clawing at my legs with my toenails and did not sleep at all last night I was too scared to go to sleep , they’re still here and there’s no point sleeping if you get no peace is there ? Randomly telling me I should pull four of my teeth out and I was seriously considering what the best way to do it would be , that’s how much they have over me ! Was to climb the roof at the hotel and go outside in the snow and make naked snow angels as the woman voice thought this would be hilarious?!

I have been told I am pushing myself too hard and need to be careful as a relapse is possible and would be catastrophic , I still miss out on a lot due to anxiety and what sometimes are crippling panic attacks , one which my sister unfortunately had to witness ! I don’t know what it’s like although Ann says it is very distressing , it kills me inside and makes me feel so useless at times that I can’t go into busy or noisy places yet , which might not seem so bad at first glance but if you think about it for a Sec , I can’t go in a shop alone , no Tesco , no paying for fuel in the garage shop , getting a drink or a sweet , miss party’s, miss family gatherings and even miss showing your last respects to a friend as it’s too busy at the funeral for me to cope with !! That is only a bit of what it takes to get through a day for me and that’s without the sometimes constant angry voices .

Not so much to do with my illness , well maybe a wee bit ? I am so proud of my boy for stepping up in so many ways in the last few months , he has had a shit load to deal with and has done it in his usual horizontal calm way , he keeps me straight as well and is always there if I’m freaking out or just going mad , thanks son you are an absolute diamond !! And Ann I have no words to describe this woman I really don’t , she is ??… fuck knows what she is but I’m awful glad she’s mine or god alone only knows where I would be right now . All the amazing messages I receive from people genuinely supporting me and being so kind it reduces me to tears at how kind people can genuinely be ! And of course my family for being there ( or not ) to suit me as they say , thanks for everything you all do ❤️ .

So I’ll sit with my headphones on listening to The Jam , The Who and obviously way too much Robbie , trying to drown out the voices or keep them at bay for a bit , Ann keeps me straight as well ❤️ . The baby Jeef due in July is giving me a grandad title and plenty cuddles to look to .

Thanks for reading and hopefully gives a wee bit more of an understanding of what depression is and how it affects you on a daily basis , and it helps me to get it out and off my chest .

Thanks again ..

50

It’s just another birthday folk say ! So here’s my personal take on it , I turned 50 today and to be fair I’m surprised I’ve made it this far and I’m sure many who know me will agree !! I’m not concerned with turning 50 personally , it is however a big thing for family and friends as they want to celebrate it with you , here lies my dilemma and another reason to be hurting about , giving me pain , feeling like a letdown for not being able able to do what you would do without thinking about it . I mean I have never thought about how other people’s need to celebrate either with you or for you until this weekend , I have thought a lot about this question , my question , I can’t stand the thought that I can’t be in a room with all my family , friends , all at once so they can celebrate for me and with me because I can’t cope with the noise too many people overwhelm me and anxiety and panic take over !! It’s not fair that I should restrict what is there right to be happy for me and celebrate my big birthday the 50 which is a milestone , I can’t find a way round it , so can I throw myself in at the deep end and use as much energy as I can to just be there and put myself in what I know will be a very stressful , emotional situation . I have placed so many shitty situations on the ones closest to me and every time , they step up ! I can’t face the thought of another kick in the proverbial nuts for them !! Also there’s the gift side , I’m sitting here thinking on that and have been for days , how can I take gifts from people that I have given what is a preverbal kick in the nuts to. that they are restricted to torture , fear and too many very upsetting situations I’ve put them through, I am struggling with this one and I do not know how to get this one right because once it’s gone you can’t get it back , celebrate it next year including Christmas and countless birthdays and special moments in my life doesn’t seem very fair at all to me ! Knowing me I’ll just crash into it and see what happens , that’s assuming I’ve enough energy left as I don’t have much left and I’m not able to recharge very much just now , decisions need made and I know I am not in a good enough place right now to be making big decisions , guess it will work itself out . And now the stomach is turning and the arguments in my head are starting to get louder and angrier , think I’m fukd either way , another thing this illness has taken from me and now it blackens everyone else !! Happy 50th to me seems pointless to share it on your own .

Thanks

So far !!

Hi .

I will start this one by admitting that I have been self harming , cutting arms and inside my legs . Also I had taken an overdose a few weeks back and ended up having to be taken by ambulance into hospital , and I have no memory after I took the tablets until I was coming round in the cubicle with the doctor and being filled with feelings of disappointment that I was in hospital and had survived , the doc asked me why I was disappointed at waking up and the only reply was that I’m talking to you so much m alive !! Thankfully they got to me quickly and gave me two injections of the anti dote for the paracetamol and an anti sickness jab later on in the night . I am still not able to properly process this , and I need to as it’s becoming a problem again . I promised I would not attempt to take my life again and then am trying so hard to not listen or dwell on it , it’s happened and I need to deal with the extra hurt and worry I have caused ! Scars on my arms and legs are covered up in public and I know at some point I can show them without the feelings of disgust , shame and embarrassment. I also haven’t recovered from my attempt at suicide and it weighs heavy on me , another millstone round my neck to break off . Just more shit to put in the backpack and then sort through the tangled mess inside .

Very irritable just now , I think it’s its ok one of the many side effect of the new meds . Don’t know how I feel at the moment , everything seems like it’s going too fast for me and I can’t keep up ! My head does feel less fuzzy than it has been since the beginning , I am now faced with picking a road and see where it takes me which in itself is a nightmare as there’s so many to choose , like spaghetti junction and I’m driving a smart car on the roads with arctic lorries all around , it’s terrifying for me .

I am becoming more aware of my surroundings and the only way I can explain it is I feel like I’m standing at the side of a very busy road and not being able to pick out all the cars , that only one or two as they are travelling so fast . A few positives have surfaced , just small things that you would never even give a thought to as you would just do it or be doing it without knowing , whereas these everyday things are missing for me , and have been since the start . Still the negatives drown the positives but I will take one of them every day if the week as a bit of me trying to get out , so I guess we’re making progress ?

It’s still very dark in here and I can still only see the wee lights flying about me , so I’m thinking keep grabbing til I get one and then maybe that will lead to another until there’s more light than dark ?

I’m almost out of the field field that I have been in , that place where your brains foggy and your not sure of anything except for what the voices are saying , not even shouting ! just screaming so loud , trying to shout over one and the other leaving nothing for me and my voice , it just shrinks away , Feel like one legs over the fence and my foot is searching for the ground . There are little chinks of me coming back though , the other day I was listening on my headphones and I caught myself with a wee smile on my face ! Not an extraordinary thing to do but it is literally the first time in eight months and it felt weird seeing it but not feeling it ! Then it’s gone and the darkness seeps back in covering me in a black blanket , voices shouting and screaming .

I suppose I will take that tiny win , that small part that’s still wants to fight and , in all honesty at the moment I have not much more than that to fight with , out of energy and still playing fuel roulette !!

Thanks

Positives

It’s almost as impossible to find these positives everyone keeps telling me about , and that I should look forward and not back ! I know everybody means well and it is extremely difficult for people to understand that I don’t see good or bad , sad or happy , hopefulness or hopelessness . I search and I search without any success so far , I know I will get to the other side of this and the doctor has warned me I will never be 100% , and that’s ok , that’s fine . In the meantime I have what I am now calling my wee lights , little bits of what I know will be my logs to grab on to when I’m washing away , keep me alive , keep me fighting and hopefully one day they will all join together and be my big light and blow away the darkness .

I am writing this in thanks for all those close to me and beyond , in thanks for keeping me sane ( ish ) and just being there at whatever time and wherever they may be !! sounds a bit cliche and I don’t like cliches , you all are my wee lights and you all keep me going . My thanks will never be enough ❤️ .

Me ….

Hi