How quick it changes


In the last 24 hrs I have suddenly with none of the usual gradual signs that I am crashing , as I’m writing this at 6 am I’ve been awake most of the night with no sleep the previous 24 hours , the night terrors won’t leave me alone and I am genuinely absolutely terrified ! I have that sick feeling in the pit of my stomach , it’s like a twisted knot that I can feel like a crushing panic , I want to run away , I want out and this scares me going down this road I’m in the dark place against and I can’t ever remember how I get up from it , I never can ! I am gripped with a sickening feeling that if I don’t run it’ll be self harm or suicide . Where can I run to just disappear, hide from the terror and get some peace though I’ve still got the voices to deal with , angrier and getting impossible to not listen to . I’ve been here before many times , not hungry , not interested in anything , can’t concentrate. I’m back in the darkness I’m giving it everything I’ve got mentally and physically but you know what I’m just too tired and can’t be bothered it’s winning at the moment , crushing me , sucking the good out and leaving me with nothing , I feel totally useless and worthless , things just keep piling up on top of me like heavy weights making my arms and legs feel like lead weights . Every little thing that goes wrong it works back to me and being ill and drags me down further into the darkness , not able to work , cant even give a lift to someone because I’m not fit to drive . I am contributing absolutely nothing . So the suggestion from the voices is get rid of my useless fucking self and that seems like the option just now . I just wander about getting in the way and stopping people living there own lives instead they are living mine with me and I can’t take that anymore . I am dragging everyone down with me and I can’t , won’t let that happen anymore , I just don’t know how to stop it !! Not safe at the moment feel fragile and not giving a fuck dangerous where I will just do anything as there’s no real pain or consequences for me . I sometimes feel just bored of it bored with the illness , the pills , the counselling the constant fog or darkness , basically everything , I am at the end of my tether and don’t know how much longer I can be trapped in this shitty place causing pain and fear all about me ! If I’m done with it I’m sure everyone else is too . Even writing this I am feeling sick because I know what comes next !!! I’m done really just exhausted I would just lie down somewhere quiet and wait , fall asleep and not wake up and have peace along with everyone else, the mikes in my hand and I want to drop it and that’s me out …..


Strange week , good bits , bad bits !!

Hi .

Been a weird week had a lot to get on with , my 50th birthday and the fuss that went with that , seeing family and eating out , two nights away with Ann in a hotel ! Sound like a good week ? Oh and another change of meds ! I would normally be loving a week like that , but na no for me I will celebrate that birthday later .

I think this is the fourth meds change and two changes in two weeks the first change meds were making my mouth so dry I couldn’t swallow without a drink , and gave me what I called instanger ! I was going from zero to absolutely raging for no one obvious reason and having no recollection of what I had been shouting about or who I was shouting at really no memory of it , absolutely brutal , then zero again and be like … what ? I don’t remember this at all but I had a proper go at Ann , my mum and my sister , don’t know what was said but I had a horrible feeling there was an apology due , very upsetting !!

So back to the psychiatrist to change meds again , the new meds don’t seem to have as many side effects as the others , and believe me having only three side effects from the meds is a happy day for me. It’s something no one would really think about I mean you take tablets two or three times a day you get better , thank you very much . Eh no the side effects can be as brutal as parts but of this illness , short list and I’ve had all of them , not all at once but at least four at a time they inc . Irritability , very dry mouth , dizziness , sweating , night terrors , constipation , sickness , blurred vision , shaking , blurred vision , confusion and an inability to concentrate on anything , so no driving ! These are some of the worst side effects I’ve had to deal with and that’s every day not just every once in a while ! So taking meds can be really tough on you and dealing with the illness at the same time , not much fun to be had with taking tablets that can take two to three weeks to get into your system and then see if they work , and if not repeat the cycle for a change of meds !! Oh I forgot the sleep walking , sleep eating ( it is a thing ) sounds funny I know but it’s not good for the waist and is actually really distressing when you wake up and there’s empty wrappers , packets of biscuits and all sorts of food on the floor ! One night I had a magnum ice cream only to wake up with it melting on my chest #*#*@ , spose it is quite funny , though I was raging , I hate wasting good ice cream !! So survived my birthday and then slowly from the background the angry voice was back really loud and very angry , been going for three days / nights now . Night terrors they’re there , been clawing at my legs with my toenails and did not sleep at all last night I was too scared to go to sleep , they’re still here and there’s no point sleeping if you get no peace is there ? Randomly telling me I should pull four of my teeth out and I was seriously considering what the best way to do it would be , that’s how much they have over me ! Was to climb the roof at the hotel and go outside in the snow and make naked snow angels as the woman voice thought this would be hilarious?!

I have been told I am pushing myself too hard and need to be careful as a relapse is possible and would be catastrophic , I still miss out on a lot due to anxiety and what sometimes are crippling panic attacks , one which my sister unfortunately had to witness ! I don’t know what it’s like although Ann says it is very distressing , it kills me inside and makes me feel so useless at times that I can’t go into busy or noisy places yet , which might not seem so bad at first glance but if you think about it for a Sec , I can’t go in a shop alone , no Tesco , no paying for fuel in the garage shop , getting a drink or a sweet , miss party’s, miss family gatherings and even miss showing your last respects to a friend as it’s too busy at the funeral for me to cope with !! That is only a bit of what it takes to get through a day for me and that’s without the sometimes constant angry voices .

Not so much to do with my illness , well maybe a wee bit ? I am so proud of my boy for stepping up in so many ways in the last few months , he has had a shit load to deal with and has done it in his usual horizontal calm way , he keeps me straight as well and is always there if I’m freaking out or just going mad , thanks son you are an absolute diamond !! And Ann I have no words to describe this woman I really don’t , she is ??… fuck knows what she is but I’m awful glad she’s mine or god alone only knows where I would be right now . All the amazing messages I receive from people genuinely supporting me and being so kind it reduces me to tears at how kind people can genuinely be ! And of course my family for being there ( or not ) to suit me as they say , thanks for everything you all do ❤️ .

So I’ll sit with my headphones on listening to The Jam , The Who and obviously way too much Robbie , trying to drown out the voices or keep them at bay for a bit , Ann keeps me straight as well ❤️ . The baby Jeef due in July is giving me a grandad title and plenty cuddles to look to .

Thanks for reading and hopefully gives a wee bit more of an understanding of what depression is and how it affects you on a daily basis , and it helps me to get it out and off my chest .

Thanks again ..


It’s just another birthday folk say ! So here’s my personal take on it , I turned 50 today and to be fair I’m surprised I’ve made it this far and I’m sure many who know me will agree !! I’m not concerned with turning 50 personally , it is however a big thing for family and friends as they want to celebrate it with you , here lies my dilemma and another reason to be hurting about , giving me pain , feeling like a letdown for not being able able to do what you would do without thinking about it . I mean I have never thought about how other people’s need to celebrate either with you or for you until this weekend , I have thought a lot about this question , my question , I can’t stand the thought that I can’t be in a room with all my family , friends , all at once so they can celebrate for me and with me because I can’t cope with the noise too many people overwhelm me and anxiety and panic take over !! It’s not fair that I should restrict what is there right to be happy for me and celebrate my big birthday the 50 which is a milestone , I can’t find a way round it , so can I throw myself in at the deep end and use as much energy as I can to just be there and put myself in what I know will be a very stressful , emotional situation . I have placed so many shitty situations on the ones closest to me and every time , they step up ! I can’t face the thought of another kick in the proverbial nuts for them !! Also there’s the gift side , I’m sitting here thinking on that and have been for days , how can I take gifts from people that I have given what is a preverbal kick in the nuts to. that they are restricted to torture , fear and too many very upsetting situations I’ve put them through, I am struggling with this one and I do not know how to get this one right because once it’s gone you can’t get it back , celebrate it next year including Christmas and countless birthdays and special moments in my life doesn’t seem very fair at all to me ! Knowing me I’ll just crash into it and see what happens , that’s assuming I’ve enough energy left as I don’t have much left and I’m not able to recharge very much just now , decisions need made and I know I am not in a good enough place right now to be making big decisions , guess it will work itself out . And now the stomach is turning and the arguments in my head are starting to get louder and angrier , think I’m fukd either way , another thing this illness has taken from me and now it blackens everyone else !! Happy 50th to me seems pointless to share it on your own .


So far !!

Hi .

I will start this one by admitting that I have been self harming , cutting arms and inside my legs . Also I had taken an overdose a few weeks back and ended up having to be taken by ambulance into hospital , and I have no memory after I took the tablets until I was coming round in the cubicle with the doctor and being filled with feelings of disappointment that I was in hospital and had survived , the doc asked me why I was disappointed at waking up and the only reply was that I’m talking to you so much m alive !! Thankfully they got to me quickly and gave me two injections of the anti dote for the paracetamol and an anti sickness jab later on in the night . I am still not able to properly process this , and I need to as it’s becoming a problem again . I promised I would not attempt to take my life again and then am trying so hard to not listen or dwell on it , it’s happened and I need to deal with the extra hurt and worry I have caused ! Scars on my arms and legs are covered up in public and I know at some point I can show them without the feelings of disgust , shame and embarrassment. I also haven’t recovered from my attempt at suicide and it weighs heavy on me , another millstone round my neck to break off . Just more shit to put in the backpack and then sort through the tangled mess inside .

Very irritable just now , I think it’s its ok one of the many side effect of the new meds . Don’t know how I feel at the moment , everything seems like it’s going too fast for me and I can’t keep up ! My head does feel less fuzzy than it has been since the beginning , I am now faced with picking a road and see where it takes me which in itself is a nightmare as there’s so many to choose , like spaghetti junction and I’m driving a smart car on the roads with arctic lorries all around , it’s terrifying for me .

I am becoming more aware of my surroundings and the only way I can explain it is I feel like I’m standing at the side of a very busy road and not being able to pick out all the cars , that only one or two as they are travelling so fast . A few positives have surfaced , just small things that you would never even give a thought to as you would just do it or be doing it without knowing , whereas these everyday things are missing for me , and have been since the start . Still the negatives drown the positives but I will take one of them every day if the week as a bit of me trying to get out , so I guess we’re making progress ?

It’s still very dark in here and I can still only see the wee lights flying about me , so I’m thinking keep grabbing til I get one and then maybe that will lead to another until there’s more light than dark ?

I’m almost out of the field field that I have been in , that place where your brains foggy and your not sure of anything except for what the voices are saying , not even shouting ! just screaming so loud , trying to shout over one and the other leaving nothing for me and my voice , it just shrinks away , Feel like one legs over the fence and my foot is searching for the ground . There are little chinks of me coming back though , the other day I was listening on my headphones and I caught myself with a wee smile on my face ! Not an extraordinary thing to do but it is literally the first time in eight months and it felt weird seeing it but not feeling it ! Then it’s gone and the darkness seeps back in covering me in a black blanket , voices shouting and screaming .

I suppose I will take that tiny win , that small part that’s still wants to fight and , in all honesty at the moment I have not much more than that to fight with , out of energy and still playing fuel roulette !!



It’s almost as impossible to find these positives everyone keeps telling me about , and that I should look forward and not back ! I know everybody means well and it is extremely difficult for people to understand that I don’t see good or bad , sad or happy , hopefulness or hopelessness . I search and I search without any success so far , I know I will get to the other side of this and the doctor has warned me I will never be 100% , and that’s ok , that’s fine . In the meantime I have what I am now calling my wee lights , little bits of what I know will be my logs to grab on to when I’m washing away , keep me alive , keep me fighting and hopefully one day they will all join together and be my big light and blow away the darkness .

I am writing this in thanks for all those close to me and beyond , in thanks for keeping me sane ( ish ) and just being there at whatever time and wherever they may be !! sounds a bit cliche and I don’t like cliches , you all are my wee lights and you all keep me going . My thanks will never be enough ❤️ .

Me ….




Just a short one , I just realised yesterday when watching someone sleeping , that you are awake for a day and you look forward to going to bed and having a sleep . I don’t sleep so my days are seeming less important because there’s no sleep at the end , just seems like one day melts into another and now there’s no real difference just one long week , month with no gaps in between ! So my question is what’s the point in days without nights …. There’s none is there !

Stopped short and rolling backwards

Hi .

This is where i am , voices still there my legs and arms heavy , my heart hurts , night terrors are bad as they ever have been and I have now started clawing at my arms and legs which Andy is calling low level self harm . It distracts me for minutes at a time when the voices are really loud or I wake up scratching from another night terror ,

I feel more fragile now than I ever have throughout this , more exhausted, my arms and legs are dead weights , eyes are heavy and shaking more often as well . I had a kinda conversation with myself on paper to sort things out because I can’t do it in my head about all the feelings I experience , put them into boxes kind of , a bit like pros and cons list and here’s a bit of that and how it went .

I am at the moment isolated, lonely and guilt ridden to name the first couple . I can be sitting with Ann holding hands or having a cuddle being close and still feel as if I am a million miles away on my own ! . Loneliness leads to confusion and I don’t know why I feel so empty so numb , I can’t figure it out at all and that leads to the desolation the loneliness , the feeling I’m on my own so will have to do it myself , no one around to help for miles and that brings the panic the fear , then the guilt the crushing guilt that totally overwhelms me and blurs all the lines and as I’ve mentioned before makes me feel physically sick , crushing my chest . Then I wander into the dark vennels like a dark maze that there’s no way out of , that’s where the voices are , sometimes running all round and past me shouting as they go , silence then behind me and then all around , the noise is too much I can’t bear it . Peeling veg and he is telling me to cut my arms , stab your hand with the knife then he shouts at me !! So you do and he seems happy for a while and my head goes quiet , even writing this I am panicking, feeling sick and this is most of the day everyday .

Suicide or running away , just disappearing? . I think about both a lot . Suicide is where I go when i can’t take any more it’s the way forward , stop the pain , the loneliness, the guilt . I am worried about hurting Ann not physically but mentally and that puts a hurdle up that I can’t get over , I can’t jump or climb over it knowing that if I could I would have gone many times by now . I’m writing this and the voices saying , it’s pointless writing this you can’t win we will win at any cost , so what is the point of this of anything . Can’t find any real positives , even on a pros v cons sheet the negatives win by a mile , even writing seems pointless but I write to express how I feel , not to keep it all in to read it back and try to make sense of it and hopefully read something and think naaa that’s bullshit !

Someone said to me once that your not weak asking for help that it takes strength of character an inner toughness to ask for help , maybe I was strong and maybe from then til now it has sucked all the inner toughness and my strength from me leaving only the darkness and no fight left , no strength, no courage , no clue !! I genuinely hate this as much as it hates me , and it does . Hanging around , chipping away at me , hurting and upsetting people all around me , it’s not me it’s them causing this .

I’m lost and don’t know where to go what to do , who to be . I listen to the voices as they are certain it’s they’re way , it’s the only way . I am too tired and confused to offer any alternative at the moment , so will keep wading in the mire until , well I don’t know til when !

Run away start. afresh . Will that sort me out , does isolation cancel out isolation ? Does loneliness cancel out loneliness ? Or is it worse , does leaving everything behind and cause upset for it to be worse at that place ? Fuck knows tbh I don’t know anything apart from torture , turmoil and darkness . The new normal it seems !!


On the edge


Not sure how to start this one because i am not sure where to am just now , feel like I’m wandering around detached from the world I don’t feel anything , feel empty , lost , confused . I don’t feel like my brain is as muted as it was before like I had sunglasses on before and now I’ve not so I can see better but everything is still black inside !

I don’t know if it’s a stage you go through or what ? I can’t make any sense of it , should I even try ? I was thinking the other night about the whole life and death thing and I am erring towards the conclusion that life is a bit pointless really , I mean in my case I struggle through this depression get to the other side and then what ? I’m going to die at some point as we all will , so what do I get from this , a new me ?

Questions are always spinning round , will I like this new person ? Will anyone, will my wife and family , it is terrifying to consider that maybe I won’t like everyone , what then ? So what do I do , wait for my world to crumble into pieces around me again or preempt it and check out before the implosion?

Strong feelings that I need to get away drop out of life , do I have that option because I really can’t see past the next ten minutes never mind weeks or months , I’m scared to get involved but I don’t feel scared still something in my stomach, that churning sick feeling I get is telling me I’m terrified ! I have lost so much of myself I couldn’t take losing those close to me I’m sure , so there’s the problem , confusion , I have no clue !!

Numb feeling is like being a pint glass full of liquid and it all gets sucked out , you know your still a glass but you have no liquid so no purpose , just sitting there waiting to be filled up but when , and how long until you become dusty and no longer needed and are binned ? Do I fill the glass with new stuff and not like the taste or smell ? Or will it taste better or the same .

Change keeps happening and with every change however small I crash backwards further into my darkness, back to the place where the voices are strong , demanding ! I fight and am fighting with all I have but I don’t feel as if i have enough left , not enough for another big fight . So at the moment I’m lying down trying to recharge but while doing that life keeps throwing things at me to deal with , sapping more energy I can’t afford to lose . Who wins ? I can’t see me winning the fight , I’m exhausted with it all , shattered and hopeless !

So that’s where I am today , sitting waiting for an answer that I’m not sure is coming and if it does will it be too late ? I find myself thinking I am as good as I will get so just settle and deal with it like I did before . That person I don’t recognise, can’t see . Too many years have passed and I have became lost . I am lost

Writing this down is making me feel sick , it’s that feeling of panic and fear , I know where it’s going and I don’t like it though at the same time I’m not fussed . Think I am giving up I’ve had nearly enough , just sleep or run away , start fresh ? I’m running out of options I feel trapped with no escape, locked in a constant fight with myself losing ground and getting pushed back . I can’t even say I hate myself properly because I don’t know me anymore . I am maybe still in there somewhere but can’t get out stuck in the treacle . I am trying desperately to convince myself I will get there, get out of the treacle but there’s too many voices telling me I won’t , I can’t !! I could go lie down in a field and close my eyes and see what happens , check out …. I am lost .


Wandering thoughts

Hi .

Trying to sort my head out a bit last night and I have came to the conclusion that what does death matter ? Why worry about leaving a legacy , a cash lump sum a house ! Why be afraid of dyeing, what scares you ? I don’t feel sorrow or empathy or any emotions again at the moment so it’s easy to ask these questions .

Ask yourself truthfully why am I scared of dyeing , why am I knocking my pan in to get a nicer car or bigger house or even save as much ? So you can be the good guy that left someone your savings and house , that took you all the years of working , saving and bringing up children to then leave them all you struggled for , seems mad and I know I used to panic about dyeing be worried ,but death does not have a hold on me anymore I will die one day whether I’m loaded or skint . As will everyone else . So why not take the time smell a flower give someone a hand , spend time with family and friends , buy your special someone some flowers , smile at a stranger because you don’t know what they may be going through and just maybe your random smile will give them the energy to carry on to see that the worlds maybe not such a shitty dark place .

One small act of kindness will be paid forward .

So I guess in my situation , my depressive journey that throws new challenges up constantly . It is such a magpie just sneaking about just stealing random things from you . I read an article about Robin Williams that his friend wrote and he stated people are of the opinion that if you commit suicide your weak and a coward ! He says no you are the exact opposite you are strong because as a human being we are programmed to do all we can to survive and are given the necessary tools to do this , now think how much having the courage of your conviction to bypass all the survival strategies and do the one thing your being is desperate to do .. survive . To be able to fight that battle and win is for me is balls out bravery not an easy option or weak ! For me it is always there , stronger some days and overwhelming another and as I’ve said before I am not frightened , not scared if that’s what happens then so be it !

These are my thoughts and opinions


Sitting on the couch yesterday just going through stuff in my head eventually coming to the conclusion that I have lost so much over the past six months and it’s not really sunk in and not sure if it ever will , I realised for example my business going into liquidation and all the hard work that went into running it for so many years , losing my two vans , my car , I lost out on finishing my sons apprenticeship with him , lost six weeks of my life when I had my breakdown and have lost so many moments with my wife and family over the past six months . I know you can say these are mostly material things and should not concern me but I realised yesterday that they are a massive loss to me nonetheless my job , my career , my dignity , personal bankruptcy having no money no income , then my son announcing he’s moving out a huge loss to me it seems , and compounds the uselessness, the guilt , the emptiness and loneliness all mashed up with life events and that’s not even mentioning the day to day stuff to get through ! I am trying to best describe where I am just now , it’s not nice I am confused , forgetful , terrified , the list could go on . Hopefully you get some kind of feeling of where I am and I know there are many people worse off than me but for me this is as bad as anyone can be .

On the other side gaining a grandchild in July is something to look forward to !

I was very upset yesterday I feel like I am mourning a loss and I know I haven’t come to terms with them and have no idea as yet what impact it has / will have on me ? Or even how I can process it , I know I can’t hide it away somewhere deep inside because if I have learnt one thing this last six months it is that will come back and bite me on the arse with a destructive vengeance !

So what’s best , move on and forget it or lay to rest each loss individually ? Even writing this seems absurd as it’s not a physical loss like losing a friend or a loved one though it is to me just as painful and difficult to process .

This illness , this depression has taken so much from me and gives nothing back , no end in sight just the constant of trying to make it through another day. It has and still is slowly stripping away my character my hopes and dreams it seems , I am petrified of losing those close to me and that prompts a cover up response to try and protect what little I have left ! I have no idea what to do and that confusion frustrates the fuck out of me genuinely every minute of every day , along with overwhelming feelings of guilt , emptiness, loneliness and a strong desire most of the time to clear myself from this life and leave all behind without me and all my baggage . Every day it’s like I can’t get off my knees without something kicking me in the face and putting me right back in the dark basement . It is exhausting just seeing days out with what little energy I have left .

For someone to say you’ll be ok it’ll just take time or keep pushing hard you’ll get there . Where the fuck is it I’m supposed to be going ?? I have no clue where or how to get to this place and even if I did I don’t know what I would do when I got there tbh , so if you know then certainly give me a shout as I’m clueless ! Do I have a metaphorical funeral for all the parts I feel I have lost and lay them to rest , would that make a difference ? Is that a even a thing or is it just more madness , I’ve no idea really . I know I can’t sift through them one by one as it’s way too overwhelming for me .

What do I do next , where do I go , who do I become ? Getting better is just as frightening for me as being ill as I cannot see an end ( well an end where I still exist ) terrified there’s nothing for me , no place in the world for me no place anywhere which is where I am now so moving forward seems pointless really . It seems I am wading about in the treacle again feeling hopeless , terrified, confused , emotional , frustrated , angry with myself with this illness . What a state to find yourself in just going round in circles lurching from one emotion to another and never being able to stop anywhere for any length of time to tick that box , clear that chapter and move onto the next ! I feel like giving up as there is no endgame , I can see so no point in going somewhere you’re not welcome or nobody recognises you , I don’t even recognise me !!

It feels like trying to untangle a huge knot in string , every time you think you’ve got it and your on a roll it just cruelly leads to another ridiculous tangle and you start all over again .

This is my illness this is depression this is my struggle !

I haven’t even considered how I can put a stop to the anxiety , being round people in busy places , panic attacks , the shaking , sweating the feeling of dread and panic at even doing a small task is a huge problem for me at the moment . There are too many individual problems to fix and that is so overwhelming for me and I guess anyone , you just would rather hide away in the shadows . Can’t hide there though because that’s where the voices live , on the edge of darkness , my darkness !

This is my burden , my life , you may or may not agree but it is a hell on earth and there’s no light at the end of the tunnel , no happy ending in sight , just more darkness and more unanswered questions at the moment !!