Been a weird week had a lot to get on with , my 50th birthday and the fuss that went with that , seeing family and eating out , two nights away with Ann in a hotel ! Sound like a good week ? Oh and another change of meds ! I would normally be loving a week like that , but na no for me I will celebrate that birthday later .
I think this is the fourth meds change and two changes in two weeks the first change meds were making my mouth so dry I couldn’t swallow without a drink , and gave me what I called instanger ! I was going from zero to absolutely raging for no one obvious reason and having no recollection of what I had been shouting about or who I was shouting at really no memory of it , absolutely brutal , then zero again and be like … what ? I don’t remember this at all but I had a proper go at Ann , my mum and my sister , don’t know what was said but I had a horrible feeling there was an apology due , very upsetting !!
So back to the psychiatrist to change meds again , the new meds don’t seem to have as many side effects as the others , and believe me having only three side effects from the meds is a happy day for me. It’s something no one would really think about I mean you take tablets two or three times a day you get better , thank you very much . Eh no the side effects can be as brutal as parts but of this illness , short list and I’ve had all of them , not all at once but at least four at a time they inc . Irritability , very dry mouth , dizziness , sweating , night terrors , constipation , sickness , blurred vision , shaking , blurred vision , confusion and an inability to concentrate on anything , so no driving ! These are some of the worst side effects I’ve had to deal with and that’s every day not just every once in a while ! So taking meds can be really tough on you and dealing with the illness at the same time , not much fun to be had with taking tablets that can take two to three weeks to get into your system and then see if they work , and if not repeat the cycle for a change of meds !! Oh I forgot the sleep walking , sleep eating ( it is a thing ) sounds funny I know but it’s not good for the waist and is actually really distressing when you wake up and there’s empty wrappers , packets of biscuits and all sorts of food on the floor ! One night I had a magnum ice cream only to wake up with it melting on my chest #*#*@ , spose it is quite funny , though I was raging , I hate wasting good ice cream !! So survived my birthday and then slowly from the background the angry voice was back really loud and very angry , been going for three days / nights now . Night terrors they’re there , been clawing at my legs with my toenails and did not sleep at all last night I was too scared to go to sleep , they’re still here and there’s no point sleeping if you get no peace is there ? Randomly telling me I should pull four of my teeth out and I was seriously considering what the best way to do it would be , that’s how much they have over me ! Was to climb the roof at the hotel and go outside in the snow and make naked snow angels as the woman voice thought this would be hilarious?!
I have been told I am pushing myself too hard and need to be careful as a relapse is possible and would be catastrophic , I still miss out on a lot due to anxiety and what sometimes are crippling panic attacks , one which my sister unfortunately had to witness ! I don’t know what it’s like although Ann says it is very distressing , it kills me inside and makes me feel so useless at times that I can’t go into busy or noisy places yet , which might not seem so bad at first glance but if you think about it for a Sec , I can’t go in a shop alone , no Tesco , no paying for fuel in the garage shop , getting a drink or a sweet , miss party’s, miss family gatherings and even miss showing your last respects to a friend as it’s too busy at the funeral for me to cope with !! That is only a bit of what it takes to get through a day for me and that’s without the sometimes constant angry voices .
Not so much to do with my illness , well maybe a wee bit ? I am so proud of my boy for stepping up in so many ways in the last few months , he has had a shit load to deal with and has done it in his usual horizontal calm way , he keeps me straight as well and is always there if I’m freaking out or just going mad , thanks son you are an absolute diamond !! And Ann I have no words to describe this woman I really don’t , she is ??… fuck knows what she is but I’m awful glad she’s mine or god alone only knows where I would be right now . All the amazing messages I receive from people genuinely supporting me and being so kind it reduces me to tears at how kind people can genuinely be ! And of course my family for being there ( or not ) to suit me as they say , thanks for everything you all do ❤️ .
So I’ll sit with my headphones on listening to The Jam , The Who and obviously way too much Robbie , trying to drown out the voices or keep them at bay for a bit , Ann keeps me straight as well ❤️ . The baby Jeef due in July is giving me a grandad title and plenty cuddles to look to .
Thanks for reading and hopefully gives a wee bit more of an understanding of what depression is and how it affects you on a daily basis , and it helps me to get it out and off my chest .
Thanks again ..