Your demons will comfort you when no one else will !!

Thats why its so difficult to get rid of them !!

Not one for really writing wee sayings though this is true on so many levels and most will agree to some point , I have many and working through them all is hard and consumes most of your energy ! With a little chink of light for anyone that has many demons , is that you can lay them to rest only one at a time . They never really go away , mines come for me when I’m least expecting it ! and that’s worse , but you learn how to make them quiet , so I think what I’m trying to say is they never go away but you can eventually learn to turn there volume down . It is like a never ending slog up hill against the tide , there are many stages that I have already been through and there are many more to come . Demons are only one part of this illness .


Through the fog

Hi . I seem to have my meds sorted now and hopefully can stay on these and keep recovering . I have a good afternoon or a good day and the worst of it is waking up the next day and there it is again , a weight that won’t lift a feeling , empty and pointless , so what is the point of having a good day if I never know how I will wake up and it is heartbreaking back in the loneliness , walking through the fog again ! That’s the only way to describe it , alone and isolated black clouds not far away , it’s taking a heavy toll on everyone now and not just me , I am kind of not affected by it because I’m in it if that makes sense ? It was better before as I had no real clue what was going on with me or round about me , now I am more aware I don’t like it as that brings a different beast altogether! So there’s the fog I talk about , I want to be better , feel better be able to function normally though if I’m being honest I’m not too fussed for me it’s more for all round that are closest to me for them to function normally . Ta been a long hard slog and I have put myself and everyone else through things no one should be asked to deal with and with that comes a massive amount of guilt , and guilt as I have said before that crushes me and haunts the fuck out of me ! Maybe it’s better to not be better as that seems less painful for me and I hate myself for thinking that way but there seems to be no end to this illness , I mean it has taken so much from those closest to me and for that I will always be sorry . I was reading a story the other day about a man who after battling with depression for 18 months seemed to be recovering then committed suicide ! I have heard it before and thought it seemed pointless to go through all that only to end it , where I am just now I can totally understand how that would happen . It’s really exhausting and disappointing waking up and getting up feeling dark as , and weary . So yes I get it I get why you would do that its boring kind of ? Taking 12 pills every day seeing a councillor, the shrink , sometimes it’s more painful now than it was at my darkest !! So I get it .

Still can’t concentrate , hate being around a lot of people it’s confusing and stressful as I can’t think quick enough or adapt to what’s going on around me , then there’s the noise in my head and then the chest pains and panic . Is it still voices I’m hearing , it is sometimes and it’s definitely more frightening than before as are the night terrors , the weird realistic dreams , I have stopped sleep eating and am just sleep walking now ! I thought my mum was at my door the other night asking for help so I went downstairs and opened the front door looking for her , she wasn’t there , sometimes it’s hard to tell what’s real and what I’m dreaming , and it’s frightening me so much that going to sleep now is scary because I know it’s coming , tonight maybe or when I doze off , the dreams I can kind of deal with as it normally involves me waking up somewhere random and sometimes just wake up crying somewhere . I can see no end to it now and thinking it’s maybe time to resign myself to the fact that this illness has got as good as it gets , then maybe the mornings won’t be so disappointing and the guilt will subside . Im running out of ways to cope with it all and it has ground me away to the point there’s not much left in n the tank ! It’s been almost a year since my breakdown I have lost so much , not just my identity but me as a person , I have no clue how or if I want him back but creating a new me seems as frightening as where I am and have been .

So add confusion now to the list , overwhelmed doesn’t come close , so all this time fighting to get better now seems that getting better is as scary , just a slightly different kind of scary !!! No clue where this ends or if does ?


When will it end ?

How do you mend a broken soul when all that remains is just little tiny pieces of the person you once were? How does one get to this place? Long lost feelings of hope, happiness, and joy are now replaced with feelings of hurt, sadness and despair. When does the pain end? You try everything you can to just feel a little light in your life, but all there ever is is darkness and sorrow. When will it get better? How do you create a better life for yourself when all there is left is emptiness? There are no longer feelings of pride and success. Instead they have been replaced with feelings of failure and hurt. When will this end? There is an emptiness and a void where my soul and heart once was. I dont think it will ever be the same again. How can it be? How did it get to this point? When did I finally snap? How do I turn the switch off and go back to the someone I once was? There is no answer to that. How do I explain that all this anger and sadness and rage and terror all come from a place I do not know? How do I help myself when I dont know how to feel? The darkness has finally consumed the bright light that use to shine within me. The old me, the happy me is a distant memory that will be long forgotten soon. Why is it easier to accept this is the way they are and accept that the darkness is your new home instead of trying to find the light again? When will it end?

Open the box

Open the box ..
what’s in this box ? To be honest I’m not really sure think it’s stuff like losing vans and cars being made bankrupt losing my bank account being financially reduced to my knees having my sister and son bail me out with money trying to commit suicide going missing getting wasted and having seriously bad arguments that almost made my wife leave me live with the threat that at any time they could take my house , cutting myself , embarrassing myself and letting Ann owen and my family down crushing guilt losing everything that I had worked for , for nigh on 20 years of blood sweat and tears and soo many late night early mornings working and doing invoicing and tax vat and corp tax returns all disappeared in one night also will never get over owen seeing me in that state crying and loosing my grip on reality, knowing I had brought my family to near financial ruin and have no way of making it any better it still haunts me many other things I can’t put my finger on just now , they all think it’s getting better and it’s not really I still hear my voices still have night terrors still think about suicide still find it hard to get up not bothered if I shower or shave feel destructive and struggling to not cut myself tho I have a few times and excised it away I feel so much pressure to fix these problems then there’s having to put shadow to sleep I am still pushing that one down for later so I suppose in conclusion I am dealing with day to day life and feeling like I’m at the edge of a cliff and one foot the wrong way and it’s all over , in a state of numb nothingness with suicide not far away hate Ann having to look and be with someone so depressed , so I put it on ! fake smiles trying to take the edge off and make her a bit happier as I’m terrified she’s going to leave , it is exhausting , I’m so exhausted mentally and physically , new meds don’t have as many side effects but not sure they’re working not keen on telling dr Sharma as I’ve had so many changes also not telling Andy the whole truth and I know you’ll think it’s stupid but I don’t like disappointing him and if I’m not pushing forward I just tell him I am ?! Stupid I know but I can’t with help it or stop myself though I do it with everyone so at least I can buy into the bullshit maybe , ?? Someone asked me if I had a wish what would it be ? Instant answer wasn’t to be cured it was to just have one day just one day being normal , making people happy and lifting a room instead of bringing it down , and thinking normal thoughts rather than having fukd up thoughts and confusion ! talking to people and then being exhausted , night terrors are draining me further and even hurting myself during the terror , all sorts of ones for instance just gripped with absolute fear for no reason , people in the room like shadows taunting me cutting at me , someone in the corner muttering and I go to see what it is , terrified . it’s a shadow with a black hood muttering you will die soon your dreams will make sure you stay here and don’t return you’ll be mine , laughing , These are a few and now I am terrified to go to sleep ! I’m in a better place than I was as it’s not as black but without the darkness I can see more and it seems darker if that makes any sense ? I’m not even going into where covid is taking me because that’s not something I have any room for just now , i catch myself in the mirror and mostly don’t recognise him ! Fifth change of meds so now taking four different tablets twice a day , basically I am confused and lost overwhelmed by everything , seems to me the darkness is better as it wasn’t as confusing and exhausting for me , I have no real clue what impact this has had on those close to mealso friends sending supportive messages . I do kinda know and I know it is living hell and apologies dont even make a dent , I can only imagine but don’t want to go there as it’s too
much pain and I have no strength left to deal
with that or be told how bad they feel and the impact I think would be devastating for me , I feel fragile like a bottle on the road and it’s up to fate if it’s smashed or if its picked up and kept whole
Just lost


Poem maybe ?

Having anxiety and depression is like being scared and tired at the same time. It’s the fear of failure, coupled with no urge to be productive. It’s wanting friends but hating socializing. It’s wanting to be alone but not wanting to be lonely. It’s feeling everything at once, yet being paralyzingly numb.


Still here

Hi .

It’s been a wee while since my last post because I have been writing in my diary I just still not sure what to write for a change ! Can’t write about how I feel because I have no feelings one way or another I feel like I’m wandering around in no mans land , just stoating about nowhere to go nothing to interest me ? Honestly if someone done something to hurt me it doesn’t . Been a tough few weeks with Ann being bitten by Shadow and then having to have her put to sleep , she used to sleep in the conservatory and I still can’t bring myself to go in , not really so much upsetting for me I feel it’s like I’m intruding on her space . With Anns hands being out of action I’ve had to pick up the slack and it is exhausting and i was discussing this with Andy and we kind of agreed that I am pushing so hard that my brain is going backwards to try protect itself hence why I feel no real joy or happiness and being able to pretend and smile through is as ever just sucking the life out of me it was also mentioned that I now understand what’s going on , and that is frightening as the version Andy thinks is not the case , I feel now as if this is me this will be me and I will have to decide if I can live being so empty ? it’s a strange place to be ! , like before it was dark and terrifying now it’s kinda like I can see the darkness and it’s not in my bubble but instead it’s scraping and kicking to get in and there’s no way for me to stop it so it’s just a matter of time before it gets in and I’m the same as I was before , it’s a very sick thing that it gives you a bit hope then nah you’ve had enough time away , time to go back . Everything is just coming flying at me and I am totally overwhelmed by the new problems never mind still trying to unpick the tangled mess that’s there already, could use words like hopeless , disconnected from the world , actually just going through the motions floating along , drifting I suppose ? The demons still torture me but most frequently it’s night terrors where they do there worst ! There are no ways to describe how vivid they are , and terrifying. So I’m guess I’m just waiting to see what happens the next couple weeks and then the new meds will be right in my system and can see if they are working, and if not another change , number 5 !! I don’t like what I think is understanding the illness I think it’s more I am aware how bad it is and I don’t like where that’s taking me . Scared feeling like this numbness will make me choose where to be or has decided already and I am preparing myself for it , cards in a row and boxes ticked . I have notes that I’ve still to organise into this blog so maybe some clarity there ?? Who knows ? No more visits to see Andy as the buildings closing so that’s freaking me and then the meds what if they run out and I can’t take them anymore ? Covid 19 is causing uncertainty and panic , lifting the anxiety .

Thanks for listening / reading . Speak soon

Poem retweet

Guilt-pushed wet pillow on my face;
What have I done? There’s no trace,
But there must have something happened,
There must have something happened.

I don’t know much what’s going on;
I have no goal, no role I could be living on,
I’m just surviving day to day,
Day to day.

But today – tonight, I opened a file;
Full of photos of a guy with the same profile,
But he is stranger to me,
Stranger to me.

On the photos, he was with a girl;
I would lie if I say I don’t know her,
But I can feel nothing,
I can feel nothing.

I don’t know who’s that guy;
He was so happy, but how and why,
How is it possible,
It’s impossible.

I don’t know who they are;
Why are they so bizarre,
They are a copy of me,
Were a copy of me.

That guy was in love with her;
Then, why I can’t refer,
What’s going on,
What’s going on.

You hurt and destroyed her;
But I didn’t even know her,
No, it’s all your fault,
It’s all your fault.

I’m guilty and for sure I’m crying;
I wish I could be faster dying,
Rather than feeling guilty,
While it wasn’t me.

I don’t know that guy, nor myself;
That girl must have left our self,
I am alone with my pain,
Who am I? I claim.

I sleep some nights or glance my eyes;
It happens: everything resets as lies,
But I didn’t mean any of that hurt,
I should have put out an alert:

Don’t approach; I may be fine today;
But I’m a new person every day,
Making you happy for a while,
Then, putting you into a file
With a lost profile
That comes out rarely
Feeling guilty,