Where am I ???

Hi .

It seems that my illness or depression or anxiety or all three whatever it is ? I don’t think either or really. it’s just there in varying levels ! Up and down these days , I can have for me a reasonable afternoon or morning but it’s a sore struggle trying to keep pushing forward ! In a way that leaves me exhausted mentally and physically and the next , well really however many days that it decides I suppose . I have at the moment having real issues being heard , I mean people can hear me ! but not listening to what I am trying to tell them and have been for a while now . I feel as if I have been cut loose and I am totally overwhelmed and confused with not a clue what to do , so then it gets worse ! Nobody gives a shit about me and my stupid destructive , fucked up head . I can’t get my psychiatrist to listen , I seen him the other week and told him that the suicidal thoughts were taking over again and worryingly for me is that I am calm again , not concerned about it or what comes after for anyone ! To me it’s just a thing to do , like going for a walk or go to the shops , you don’t necessarily want to go you just feel you have to . I apologise for writing in the third person , I have just realised it sounds like I am giving advice! I’m definitely not doing that , it is just me and how I’m feeling just now . It probably sounds to most people a huge thing contemplating suicide that seriously and sound like it’s just a thing to do , I can’t help it I don’t have a choice as my brain is not working like ‘ normal ‘ but if you have been or are here you will probably get it .

I have started having manic phases where I just go at a task until I basically can’t physically do any more , councillor says it’s a coping mechanism though not one he would recommend as when it comes to the next day or whenever and I can’t do anything except think about it , even that hurts and is tiring !! I will beat myself up and chalk up another failure to add to the huge list that is already there . I do feel as if , and I know I don’t have a place in the world , my house , my life or my family . Nothing but trying to wade through the mud and I see everyone moving on , going back to there normal , and don’t get me wrong I am delighted for them and at the same time not happy for them , because I am stuck in this shitty existence of just grinding out days hoping that I can keep the demons and voices away or at least quiet ! Put a bigger effort in just so that I’m not boring people with the same shit over and over . I am aware that it must be torture to deal with and with that I do worry ! I’m not even getting in the way any more I’m just like a big feckin anchor weighing everyone down and dragging them down with me ! Whether they say it or not makes no odds to me ! I mean wouId I not be pissed off dealing with this everyday ?? The answer is yes definitely !!

So back to my original question and the huge problem just now is where am I ? I don’t know is the honest answer , I feel lost again , lonely and guilty . This is how I’m feeling and have been for a while now but it may change tomorrow, who knows it might just be a whole new who knows what ?? I had a really positive message from someone the other day that actually reduced me to tears , just sobbed . They were reading the blog and it was going a little way to understanding what there family member was going through . no thanks needed as I have said before it helps me a lot , if it helps someone else then that’s good isn’t it ? This bit is much tougher going than before when I was just an absolute mess !! I can see a bit more now , and no lies going back there doesn’t seem half as scary as dealing with now , how stupid is that !! If I could pause the world while I sort out one thing at a time in my head that would be perfect for me . It won’t happen I know but there’s too many to deal with I can’t let anything else in and that’s really tough because I am just functioning again same as I was before , so what’s the point ? That’s what I have also been asking !

Im now a grandad with and he is a little belter , and a credit to his mum and dad !! though he is a bit fiery he’s doing well and starting to smile now which is making everyone melt 😍

I should really finish here it’s getting late and I should try and get some sleep !! If only I could . I’ve got more written down that I will post soon .

Thanks and as always feel free to comment .

No ones listening


Just start off with anyone who knows me , and has supported me through this illness from the start including all the support and comments through my blog , I was starting to feel a bit better , was able to function a bit better don’t get me wrong the night terrors are still with me , I don’t sleep for fear of the terrors , I still hurt myself accidentally on the cooker or with a knife . Just because I can’t remember if things are hot! Sounds a bit stupid I’m sure, it’s just I don’t think and forget things are hot ! I still talk to my voices and fight as hard as I can to keep the demons away . Now I have to confess that I have been hiding things and have been putting on a front again just to let people get on and move on as everyone is , and not trapped with me in my shitty dark confusing lonely world !! I’m stuck here with the world passing me by , I do feel a bit jealous sometimes but then that’s a scary place out there that I’m not ready for yet . I’ve been spending a lot of time trying to figure out how I’ve went wrong ? How am I not moving forward ? Why am I back with those black thoughts that don’t go away and I’m now thinking it’s the zbest way forward , especially now that life for everyone else is back to normal ! I’m a burden again , stopping people from being happy and I’m not in that world, I’m stuck in my lonely place with nowhere to go , stuck in my own head . I have been telling everyone how I’m feeling but it seems no ones listening to me , I feel like they have just dismissed what I am telling them , and even now after putting down every feeling , every horrible detail out there for all to read , telling someone your suicidal is not easy ! Then to have them just not entertain it has just fed into my thoughts that I’m not wanted , not to be bothered about , thrown out to sort it myself . Brutal truth is I can’t sort myself , I don’t know how to and I am just too exhausted to gather the strength it takes , so frustrated I feel so useless and hopeless ! I’m finding myself just being manic, trying not to stop , not to think because I can hear them and get that sick feeling in the pit of my stomach again .

Bottom line is I’m really struggling , so much pain physically and mentally drained ! I want out again , feel like lying down in a field and just seeing what happens , run away and hide on my own somewhere , only because it seems like it would not be so bad for everyone as committing suicide would be , I have thought a lot about which is best , not for me but to let everyone get on not being dragged down by me all the time , taking and giving nothing back . Over a year and constantly fighting everyday just to get by has left me exhausted and empty , numb and really don’t give a f@@k where it ends I just want it to ! Crying for no reason , sore heads that cause nosebleeds because I can’t stop , not even for a minute ! I’m fighting the urge to get in the car , go to my place . I had another plan that I would find my pills , get in the car , stop somewhere take the pills , lie down look up at the sky and just soak away . Need to shout louder but don’t see the point it’s even more tiring , sick of being tired ! no one that can help is listening ! No one knows what it takes , why I think the way I do , why suicide would save them from suffering anymore . Hate myself for it when I am a bit less foggy and dark , what’s the end game ? Where am I going ? No idea where , but I know I’m done , you win depression, too tired and now am giving in to it !! Isolating myself so as not to get in the way , hiding anywhere I can to keep out thevwaylet people keep moving on . Toiling not to pick up the gin and the Jack Danielsv Mr and drink til I pass out . Unconscious at peace , pain numbed for a bit , maybe look in the mirror and see me as apose to not recognising who’s looking back at me . So do you shout louder take the time and wait to see if anyone hears what I’m really saying ? We will see


Find a way to explain

You need a different scale of ambition when struggling with your mental health. What i can usually do or achieve goes out of the window. Instead i have to start small, really small. Look up at a tree. Go to the park. Water a plant.

When people ask me ‘what makes you anxious? How are you feeling?’ I often find myself responding with ‘I don’t know’. That’s what’s hard to come to terms with about anxiety – I don’t know what it is, what triggers it why I’m feeling the way I do on a daily basis. I just know it’s there.

I just need you there so that the loneliness and the sadness and the despair doesn’t drown me. I just need some help treading water for a little longer. But I can’t tell you this. I can’t tell you because I am scared to admit it to myself yet.

The last one is how you feel most of the time ! I admit it to myself some of the time though most times not , it’s really tough and you have to stop a second and remind yourself that you have people round you that don’t really understand but they will try and do they’re best .



Hi still here !

This lockdown has turned everything on it’s head for me , and for all those that read or have read my blogs you will know how trapped and how pointless days have been , lockdown for me was just another day the same as all the days before and suddenly I’m not the odd one out , the one who people can’t understand what I’m talking about . Days just melt into one , there’s no days just sleeping and waking up , cut off from your family and friends not able to visit ! Well that’s where I have been and am still ! So I guess Covid has shown everyone a wee bit of what I and many others do and have been feeling all this time ??

I started doing this blog not to have people reading it and feeling sorry for me , not to get likes or followers , not for my ego because to be honest when I started writing I had no clue what I was doing , where I was ! Apart from it was awful black and still after re reading my past blogs cannot remember writing them . It is just my way of venting , writing down how I’m feeling , trying to untie the mess and understanding what the hell is happening to me , if it reaches one person and they can relate then that’s amazing and if not I still continue writing , just because it helps I suppose . So how’s it going ?

Better than before , I can see a bit clearer and understand a bit more and can see the wee chinks I’m always being told about , though I’m not going to lie from then to date it has brought new challenges , new more realistic fears , worries and at the same time being very aware of where I was and being terrified of making a mistake and heading back into the fog , the blackness ! So things are still really tough but just in a different way now . Depression still causes my brain to lie to me , I know what’s happened and it is just that , something that happened , my depression doesn’t want me to know that , it wants only sadness and self doubt , no confidence in yourself or your decisions , I’m pretty sure it’s trying desperately to push the big red self destruct button ! One of the hardest things for me just now is the feeling that everyone has moved on , the worlds moving on and I have been left behind and can’t catch up so then I’m feeling lonely and hopeless and I suppose a wee bit jealous that I can’t be normal and move with everyone. I have hit a brick wall and can’t find the energy to climb over it , I’m just so tired, most days feels like I’m dragging myself around and at the same time dragging everyone with me , I feel so guilty and can’t shake it , everyone says it’s not my fault but it kinda is I mean I caused it , it was me that thought I could take the world on my shoulders and fix everything at once ! Me that chose that so me that caused it , fact !! I can’t tell if what I’m feeling or thinking is the truth or if it’s just my illness playing games , I guess I’m trying to explain that theres not just one path or one cure your looking for , there’s still so many different problems to solve , it’s like painting the Forth Road Bridge by the time you get to one end you just start over again !

The truth is that people move on and onto another crisis , another something to think about , your not a raving loony any more , your ok and as anyone that suffers from depression or anxiety knows , that is far from the truth so you start to feel like your very alone again left to wade through on your own and then the wee voice says fuck it no one cares , and you just agree , like a kid that doesn’t know any better and trusts what it’s being told ! It is all so confusing and sore really , it hurts it really does . This is another crossroads for me , another hurdle towards the end whatever that is ? Do I have the energy , do I want to find the extra energy ? I don’t know just now , I just know that the struggle to get this small distance is leaving me with a long way to go as I’ve said before is it easier to just live with it live like this until everyone is gone and it’s just me left ? I can’t help pushing people away , I’m told and i think it’s the way forward to save any more pain for anyone . Truth is I don’t know what’s best I can only listen to the voices telling me it’s the best for me and for everyone else and them really . It’s difficult just now not to hurt myself , punish myself , to feel better to feel different pain , run away ? Andy my councillor asks me do you really want to be dead ? Not sure what that means ?. I don’t see it like that , I don’t think about being dead as you would , it’s just a place to go !! I’ve got Dr Sharma on Friday for meds review and a grilling , so will see how that goes . I have recently became a grandad and my wee beastie does make me smile ( when he’s not screaming the house down ) he is something to cling onto which is pathetic really that I would be hanging onto my wee beastie , a grown man like me should be letting him hang on to me , be his grandad . He has no idea how important he is to me for a few reasons , and I hope to god he never does .

Thanks again and as always feel free to get in touch , to chat shite just to pass the time or just cos I get it .


I found my scribbling pad so I will start writing that down on the blog


Your demons will comfort you when no one else will !!

Thats why its so difficult to get rid of them !!

Not one for really writing wee sayings though this is true on so many levels and most will agree to some point , I have many and working through them all is hard and consumes most of your energy ! With a little chink of light for anyone that has many demons , is that you can lay them to rest only one at a time . They never really go away , mines come for me when I’m least expecting it ! and that’s worse , but you learn how to make them quiet , so I think what I’m trying to say is they never go away but you can eventually learn to turn there volume down . It is like a never ending slog up hill against the tide , there are many stages that I have already been through and there are many more to come . Demons are only one part of this illness .


Through the fog

Hi . I seem to have my meds sorted now and hopefully can stay on these and keep recovering . I have a good afternoon or a good day and the worst of it is waking up the next day and there it is again , a weight that won’t lift a feeling , empty and pointless , so what is the point of having a good day if I never know how I will wake up and it is heartbreaking back in the loneliness , walking through the fog again ! That’s the only way to describe it , alone and isolated black clouds not far away , it’s taking a heavy toll on everyone now and not just me , I am kind of not affected by it because I’m in it if that makes sense ? It was better before as I had no real clue what was going on with me or round about me , now I am more aware I don’t like it as that brings a different beast altogether! So there’s the fog I talk about , I want to be better , feel better be able to function normally though if I’m being honest I’m not too fussed for me it’s more for all round that are closest to me for them to function normally . Ta been a long hard slog and I have put myself and everyone else through things no one should be asked to deal with and with that comes a massive amount of guilt , and guilt as I have said before that crushes me and haunts the fuck out of me ! Maybe it’s better to not be better as that seems less painful for me and I hate myself for thinking that way but there seems to be no end to this illness , I mean it has taken so much from those closest to me and for that I will always be sorry . I was reading a story the other day about a man who after battling with depression for 18 months seemed to be recovering then committed suicide ! I have heard it before and thought it seemed pointless to go through all that only to end it , where I am just now I can totally understand how that would happen . It’s really exhausting and disappointing waking up and getting up feeling dark as , and weary . So yes I get it I get why you would do that its boring kind of ? Taking 12 pills every day seeing a councillor, the shrink , sometimes it’s more painful now than it was at my darkest !! So I get it .

Still can’t concentrate , hate being around a lot of people it’s confusing and stressful as I can’t think quick enough or adapt to what’s going on around me , then there’s the noise in my head and then the chest pains and panic . Is it still voices I’m hearing , it is sometimes and it’s definitely more frightening than before as are the night terrors , the weird realistic dreams , I have stopped sleep eating and am just sleep walking now ! I thought my mum was at my door the other night asking for help so I went downstairs and opened the front door looking for her , she wasn’t there , sometimes it’s hard to tell what’s real and what I’m dreaming , and it’s frightening me so much that going to sleep now is scary because I know it’s coming , tonight maybe or when I doze off , the dreams I can kind of deal with as it normally involves me waking up somewhere random and sometimes just wake up crying somewhere . I can see no end to it now and thinking it’s maybe time to resign myself to the fact that this illness has got as good as it gets , then maybe the mornings won’t be so disappointing and the guilt will subside . Im running out of ways to cope with it all and it has ground me away to the point there’s not much left in n the tank ! It’s been almost a year since my breakdown I have lost so much , not just my identity but me as a person , I have no clue how or if I want him back but creating a new me seems as frightening as where I am and have been .

So add confusion now to the list , overwhelmed doesn’t come close , so all this time fighting to get better now seems that getting better is as scary , just a slightly different kind of scary !!! No clue where this ends or if does ?


When will it end ?

How do you mend a broken soul when all that remains is just little tiny pieces of the person you once were? How does one get to this place? Long lost feelings of hope, happiness, and joy are now replaced with feelings of hurt, sadness and despair. When does the pain end? You try everything you can to just feel a little light in your life, but all there ever is is darkness and sorrow. When will it get better? How do you create a better life for yourself when all there is left is emptiness? There are no longer feelings of pride and success. Instead they have been replaced with feelings of failure and hurt. When will this end? There is an emptiness and a void where my soul and heart once was. I dont think it will ever be the same again. How can it be? How did it get to this point? When did I finally snap? How do I turn the switch off and go back to the someone I once was? There is no answer to that. How do I explain that all this anger and sadness and rage and terror all come from a place I do not know? How do I help myself when I dont know how to feel? The darkness has finally consumed the bright light that use to shine within me. The old me, the happy me is a distant memory that will be long forgotten soon. Why is it easier to accept this is the way they are and accept that the darkness is your new home instead of trying to find the light again? When will it end?