2 years on

Hi

It’s been two years since my breakdown and am I where I thought I would be ? Or the psychiatrist or therapist. I can sense frustration from them , feel like they want me to try harder like I’m just coasting and every days not a struggle . Smiling , doing odd jobs , pushing myself getting up early and sometimes on my knees getting out of bed it’s that much of a struggle ! I feel just now like someone has a vacuum cleaner and it’s sucking al my energy and happiness while filling me up with sadness because I am sad really sad ! Not sad in the way you normally get but just sinking sadness , sick churning in my stomach sadness. I bumble along doing jobs , washing dishes , painting , smiling , being normal ( is that even a thing ? ) and every time I stop , sinking again so I do something else and stop and then same again! The problem is I don’t have the energy or the strength to keep it up but can’t not and let people down . I want desperately to not feel like this , to sit in peace without all the dark and sadness . Now I can’t even face telling anyone how I feel when they ask me how I am as I feel like I need to say I am good thanks , it has been such a long broken bumpy road to get here today and all I feel is that the fog has lifted and I am terrified of these feelings . The darkness sits on my shoulder still just waiting , waiting for that small opportunity to push any light away and cover me in blackness dragging me back there , back to that fucking awful place !!

I still see him at night mostly and sometimes in the day , just stands there arms folded staring , sometimes laughing , sometimes shouting ! I have told my support team but it was dismissed just like telling them I feel like I don’t belong here I don’t deserve to be here and even while I’m writing this I am sinking , it’s horrible I hate it , why is he still here , why can I see him like he is a person ? I can walk past him he doesn’t disappear he just stands there only sometimes stands over me when I’m in my bed , scaring me , keeping me awake ! Two years on and I’m still on the edge still ragged and scared , sick and black . It’s funny how different people treat you when you show a sign of being better of trying to look as normal as they think you should , I don’t want people to treat me different I just want them to understand that while I can function now it’s auto pilot with all the darkness dragging behind me .

So two years in and where am I , what’s changed ? I can function now and it’s all a bit clearer just like someone turned on a light but is flicking it on and off still . Suicide is an option still but running away is a stronger feeling , I think about how it would be with no me and mostly it’s just the same I have no impact , no difference made . I am getting better , stronger , I’m just not ready for the real world because i need to escape the one I’m trapped in first !

It’s a longer journey than was advertised but I’m still here I suppose , trying kicking and screaming to escape !

Thanks Me