I am in a very weird place just now I feel like I have split in two ! On one hand I am starting to …. not feel better , but function again and this is the problem !.
I have days now when I feel like a brand new day has dawned on me , I wake up feel like running a marathon and then later on , boom crashing through the floor and wanting to go back to my bed turn off the lights and hide again and then back down the dark hole for a few days , 2 or 3 or 5 days it suits itself ! So now I have the problem where I am struggling to decide whether I keep plugging away or just cave again because when I know if I feel good that it will end with a crash , what’s the point ? It just seems like another mountain to climb and I don’t know if I have the energy to do that , being as I am running on empty !
I feel like a baby that has to learn , things are hot and burn you , sharp they cut you , doing two things at once is confusing and stressful. I do feel like I am trying to do something for the first time but should know how to do it and somewhere I know I have but where it is I don’t know . Andy says this is all part of becoming the new me the different Richy ! So do I want to learn again or do I just keep taking the meds and pretending all is good or at least better ? It is and I am terrified of where I am just now I can still quite easily end it all but know that’s not a solution but don’t know at the same time , it’s like I can feel and see all I have been through like a shadow always at my shoulder telling me to go back , to go with them ( the voices ) back down into that black hole . I have for weeks now had a visitor in my bedroom standing in the corner , it is the dark man with no face . He watches , he shouts at me like he’s goading me , daring me and telling me his place is better than mine . He has started coming towards my bed then whoosh back in the corner , I have to pass him to get out the door and he just stands there and throws an insult in as I pass , though a few times he has told me he would be able to kill me if he wanted to because I am too weak too scared to do it myself , where did he come from and why is he there ? I can’t really cope with him because I am feeling a bit better a bit lighter . That’s the point I am trying to make I suppose ? . It is certainly easier where I know what’s coming , what to expect of the darkness or is it more terrifying than the thought of being ‘ normal ’ of functioning like everyone else does ? Is there a normal was I normal before? I’m fucked if I know anymore . Most days I still have to drag myself out of bed sometimes on my hands and knees crawling and then … hello world here I am ! Wondering when it will not if it will all go horribly wrong . I have little or no self confidence , I can’t really function on my own it’s like I need someone to show me what to do or that I can do it , I tell you it’s not because I don’t want to or do I want to be shown and helped ? I don’t know !!
It’s all part of the recovery and I am feeling like sometimes I can get back in the world as you know it , but I can tell you all with no uncertainty that it is and I am absolutely terrified of the prospect of functioning again !!
If this is a bit confusing and all over the place I apologise , that’s how it makes me feel all day long .