This ones all over the place !!

Friday : Felt really uncomfortable and very panicked the later it got and nearer bed time , it was getting worse, fell asleep 6:45 got lost in the hall I was confused and got in a panic really trying to keep myself together for Ann so she can get a bit peace , don’t want to let her down again and fail her .

Saturday : Slept a bit today after yesterday, I am exhausted, feeling like giving up but really trying to grind this out , went out with Ann to Tesco , went in and there it is , panic , fear , sore chest and it actually makes my eyes go weird ! drained , it’s draining and Ann was her usual solid reliable self and held my arm the whole time , that really helped me keep myself together . Back home and a good night just chilling and watching television , seem to be in a constant panic and feel sick when I think about coming back to the house . Bed and got a few hours sleep .

◦ Monday : Tired today and my legs and arms are heavy , been writing today and reading the stories I wrote for my wee beastie , crying again for no reason or a reason?? I had not been looking forward to staying at Christine’s at all , I was worried and scared . There’s nothing but peace and quiet here and everyone was hoping this would be a turning point because I’m not as anxious ! I realised today that it makes no difference whether there’s noise , chaos , or peace and quiet , the black dog still chews at my heels and the black fog follows me wherever I go , I did have a hope that space would help me get my head together a bit . Andy said it might be good and Dr Sharma was convinced it would . In reality it has left me feeling more dread and I am truly not giving a fuck now , all I see is black and all I feel is nothing , no future not being able to escape the demons that are weighing heavy on my shoulders ! When I try looking forward I see nothing , it’s empty ! Just try to sleep get up see out the day and try sleep again , I have just given in , it wins . It’s not like you would think oh come on you can keep fighting , keep exercising , get a hobby , go jogging , take your tablets , stay positive . The truth is that it’s not helping it’s not pushing me forward . I feel so hopeless and I just see hopelessness , just nothing ! Even feeling happiness or love if I’m having a good day its not a feeling it’s more like an automatic response and then it just goes ! Nothing after and that is killing me really eating away at me , it’s weird that I don’t feel sorry for myself I just hate myself for it . I wonder if others suffering have or do feel the same ? It’s like your trying to kill the hydra , you cut one head off and another one just takes its place !!! You would eventually get tired and just give up and walk away wouldn’t you , same for me I’m tired of swinging and the sword is too heavy to swing anymore. I thought giving up would feel different , like more … I don’t know how to explain it ? I feel weirdly at peace and that makes no sense as the war is definitely still raging in my head with no truce in sight any time soon ! What to do ? Can I live with it eating away at me , it has taken so much as I’m sure I’ve said before , it’s not giving anything back and I can’t get it back , treading water like this in a state of nothing and no point in anything but I can somewhere feel like it’s wrong to do it ? It’s just really far away and a tiny wee thought , I want to go back to the darkness I feel safer there and I know that’s mad and you wouId ask why ?? It just is , you have way less things to do , and that’s breathe and keep the demons quiet , keep you alive . If I was back in the really dark place , if not for the flash thought that I didn’t want to let Ann , Owen , Teegs , Carter and my family down even more than I have already it would be easier for me to get out , stamp my card and go . I have heard people lots of times saying , oh you’ve got something to live for and get better for now !! What like I didn’t before ? The wee man , and that is true , it’s very true ! He melts my heart and gives me more of a sense of purpose , makes me smile inside and out , which is a weird feeling for me ! Then nothing , it’s temporary sadly . I think I know why it makes me feel like I need to do something , be someone again , why I feel like it’s just me and him and no one else is on the planet . It’s because I have done nothing to hurt or upset the wee man , so there’s no crushing guilt for me to feel like it does with Ann , Owen , Teegs the Family and everyone that I have put through the wringer ! I have a thought that he wouldn’t remember me anyway , I wouId just be photos and stories to him , so that’s a moot point for me and tbh makes the guilt even worse because I know I should be doing better by him , and everyone else and I’m so sorry that I cant , I am confused and I don’t know what to do and no one seems to have any answers , so as the voices tell me , your a waste of space you will never achieve anything , why don’t my you just stop trying !

Notes from my diary .


Published by sinook01

Hi i am a 49 year old plumber who ran his own business for years happily married for 27 years and one 22 year old son recently had a breakdown ended up in hospital dignosed with a severe depression this blog is my journey day to day

2 thoughts on “This ones all over the place !!

  1. Hi Richy, it’s your friend, Mike, reading your new post. The words you use to describe how you feel are very visual. It makes me think that are able to release how you feel through words and stories of the days that you have. It’s okay to write whatever you feel, and a lot of people do this to be able to get things out. You probably know I’m a Graphic Designer and I think visually. Like you, I can get my thoughts out through images and words. I think you’re doing really well and keep writing your blog because it’s a place of solice where you can create and build on your progress. Take care, Mike.

  2. Hello Richy, I’m so sorry you are having a tough time. Don’t put any pressure on yourself. No one expects that. The only expectation is that your wee beastie needs a cuddle from you and a bedtime story. Our Nan suffered from her ‘nerves’ -of course 30/40 years ago mental health was hidden and treated differently and today she would’ve received proper treatment. But one thing I could tell you is that I couldn’t wait to see her every time and spend time with her. Sometimes I would lie on her lap and she would stroke my hair. One of my favourite other memories were making trophies out of the silver fag inserts, making lemon tarts and her watching me hula hoop.❤️ Your wee beastie will feel the same about you. Nan passed away 20 years ago and I still miss her so much and so does Grandpa who is thankfully still here at the grand old age of 94. You are a young Grandad and your wee beastie will be so happy he can enjoy you for a long life. The only thing judging you badly is your mental illness and that isn’t your fault. Keep going. Love Amanda xx ❤️

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