Friday : Felt really uncomfortable and very panicked the later it got and nearer bed time , it was getting worse, fell asleep 6:45 got lost in the hall I was confused and got in a panic really trying to keep myself together for Ann so she can get a bit peace , don’t want to let her down again and fail her .
Saturday : Slept a bit today after yesterday, I am exhausted, feeling like giving up but really trying to grind this out , went out with Ann to Tesco , went in and there it is , panic , fear , sore chest and it actually makes my eyes go weird ! drained , it’s draining and Ann was her usual solid reliable self and held my arm the whole time , that really helped me keep myself together . Back home and a good night just chilling and watching television , seem to be in a constant panic and feel sick when I think about coming back to the house . Bed and got a few hours sleep .
◦ Monday : Tired today and my legs and arms are heavy , been writing today and reading the stories I wrote for my wee beastie , crying again for no reason or a reason?? I had not been looking forward to staying at Christine’s at all , I was worried and scared . There’s nothing but peace and quiet here and everyone was hoping this would be a turning point because I’m not as anxious ! I realised today that it makes no difference whether there’s noise , chaos , or peace and quiet , the black dog still chews at my heels and the black fog follows me wherever I go , I did have a hope that space would help me get my head together a bit . Andy said it might be good and Dr Sharma was convinced it would . In reality it has left me feeling more dread and I am truly not giving a fuck now , all I see is black and all I feel is nothing , no future not being able to escape the demons that are weighing heavy on my shoulders ! When I try looking forward I see nothing , it’s empty ! Just try to sleep get up see out the day and try sleep again , I have just given in , it wins . It’s not like you would think oh come on you can keep fighting , keep exercising , get a hobby , go jogging , take your tablets , stay positive . The truth is that it’s not helping it’s not pushing me forward . I feel so hopeless and I just see hopelessness , just nothing ! Even feeling happiness or love if I’m having a good day its not a feeling it’s more like an automatic response and then it just goes ! Nothing after and that is killing me really eating away at me , it’s weird that I don’t feel sorry for myself I just hate myself for it . I wonder if others suffering have or do feel the same ? It’s like your trying to kill the hydra , you cut one head off and another one just takes its place !!! You would eventually get tired and just give up and walk away wouldn’t you , same for me I’m tired of swinging and the sword is too heavy to swing anymore. I thought giving up would feel different , like more … I don’t know how to explain it ? I feel weirdly at peace and that makes no sense as the war is definitely still raging in my head with no truce in sight any time soon ! What to do ? Can I live with it eating away at me , it has taken so much as I’m sure I’ve said before , it’s not giving anything back and I can’t get it back , treading water like this in a state of nothing and no point in anything but I can somewhere feel like it’s wrong to do it ? It’s just really far away and a tiny wee thought , I want to go back to the darkness I feel safer there and I know that’s mad and you wouId ask why ?? It just is , you have way less things to do , and that’s breathe and keep the demons quiet , keep you alive . If I was back in the really dark place , if not for the flash thought that I didn’t want to let Ann , Owen , Teegs , Carter and my family down even more than I have already it would be easier for me to get out , stamp my card and go . I have heard people lots of times saying , oh you’ve got something to live for and get better for now !! What like I didn’t before ? The wee man , and that is true , it’s very true ! He melts my heart and gives me more of a sense of purpose , makes me smile inside and out , which is a weird feeling for me ! Then nothing , it’s temporary sadly . I think I know why it makes me feel like I need to do something , be someone again , why I feel like it’s just me and him and no one else is on the planet . It’s because I have done nothing to hurt or upset the wee man , so there’s no crushing guilt for me to feel like it does with Ann , Owen , Teegs the Family and everyone that I have put through the wringer ! I have a thought that he wouldn’t remember me anyway , I wouId just be photos and stories to him , so that’s a moot point for me and tbh makes the guilt even worse because I know I should be doing better by him , and everyone else and I’m so sorry that I cant , I am confused and I don’t know what to do and no one seems to have any answers , so as the voices tell me , your a waste of space you will never achieve anything , why don’t my you just stop trying !
Notes from my diary .