I still can’t get my head round the fact that it doesn’t matter how many people I am around , I still feel so lonely , like I’m the only person on the planet ! Depression does many things to you , it takes what somewhere far away I know is the truth , twisting it into something hateful and black and evil . I am in a better place than I was a year ago , and sometimes I think that’s worse because I can see a bit clearer it’s not as foggy ! I feel like I’ve came out of a very very dark wood and into a slightly less dark wood . It frightens me to be back in some kind of functioning place having to learn how to be me but different me if that makes any sense ? It seems sometimes it’s easier to live in the darkness , I know what happens there it’s just I’m not sure what happens out here , apart from panic around people and busy places and absolutely no confidence in myself at all . Too many emotions trying to get in at the same time it’s overwhelming me . I can feel myself slipping , feeling like I have broke into pieces again and I have little or no energy left to stand up and keep wading through the treacle . I am tired but not sleepy tired , I’m just tired ! I can still hear the voices , they come and taunt me and have been a lot in the last few weeks . Night terrors are not as bad as they were though I just can’t stop myself being terrified to sleep , when I do and no terrors I think maybe they’ve given up and I can feel better about sleeping , they come back and I am terrified again ! I have found myself and been found lying or sitting or even a couple of times standing upright in random places all over the house during the night ??. I can’t imagine , even though I’m in it that there’s no day no night just one loop , sleeping is terrifying and so is during the day ! How can I win in that situation ? it’s impossible and twisted . I wish sometimes you could have a sneak peek in my brain see what’s going on and then be like ahhh that’s f****d up and frightening ! Feeling like a failure and being in the way , no use to anybody makes you feel even more lonely , and the thought that you don’t really need to be here seems a fair point to me , a lot of the time when I feel that sick sinking feeling I know the darkness is coming I just want to run away and hide in a hole somewhere dark and cold . Another part of this illness is that it makes me just feel like self destructing and being self destructive, that’s the part that makes me want to hurt myself or worse and it’s so hard and tiring stopping myself ! Talking about tiring , a 10 minute conversation and I’m wiped out and feel exhausted , I suppose it will be less tiring with time ? I will keep living hour to hour as can’t look too far ahead as it is just too scary at the minute ! I think I will never be better , just not as bad or accept it and just keep pretending I’m ok and breakdown alone , It has scarred me badly and it still is , my broken brain .


Published by sinook01

Hi i am a 49 year old plumber who ran his own business for years happily married for 27 years and one 22 year old son recently had a breakdown ended up in hospital dignosed with a severe depression this blog is my journey day to day

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