It seems that my illness or depression or anxiety or all three whatever it is ? I don’t think either or really. it’s just there in varying levels ! Up and down these days , I can have for me a reasonable afternoon or morning but it’s a sore struggle trying to keep pushing forward ! In a way that leaves me exhausted mentally and physically and the next , well really however many days that it decides I suppose . I have at the moment having real issues being heard , I mean people can hear me ! but not listening to what I am trying to tell them and have been for a while now . I feel as if I have been cut loose and I am totally overwhelmed and confused with not a clue what to do , so then it gets worse ! Nobody gives a shit about me and my stupid destructive , fucked up head . I can’t get my psychiatrist to listen , I seen him the other week and told him that the suicidal thoughts were taking over again and worryingly for me is that I am calm again , not concerned about it or what comes after for anyone ! To me it’s just a thing to do , like going for a walk or go to the shops , you don’t necessarily want to go you just feel you have to . I apologise for writing in the third person , I have just realised it sounds like I am giving advice! I’m definitely not doing that , it is just me and how I’m feeling just now . It probably sounds to most people a huge thing contemplating suicide that seriously and sound like it’s just a thing to do , I can’t help it I don’t have a choice as my brain is not working like ‘ normal ‘ but if you have been or are here you will probably get it .
I have started having manic phases where I just go at a task until I basically can’t physically do any more , councillor says it’s a coping mechanism though not one he would recommend as when it comes to the next day or whenever and I can’t do anything except think about it , even that hurts and is tiring !! I will beat myself up and chalk up another failure to add to the huge list that is already there . I do feel as if , and I know I don’t have a place in the world , my house , my life or my family . Nothing but trying to wade through the mud and I see everyone moving on , going back to there normal , and don’t get me wrong I am delighted for them and at the same time not happy for them , because I am stuck in this shitty existence of just grinding out days hoping that I can keep the demons and voices away or at least quiet ! Put a bigger effort in just so that I’m not boring people with the same shit over and over . I am aware that it must be torture to deal with and with that I do worry ! I’m not even getting in the way any more I’m just like a big feckin anchor weighing everyone down and dragging them down with me ! Whether they say it or not makes no odds to me ! I mean wouId I not be pissed off dealing with this everyday ?? The answer is yes definitely !!
So back to my original question and the huge problem just now is where am I ? I don’t know is the honest answer , I feel lost again , lonely and guilty . This is how I’m feeling and have been for a while now but it may change tomorrow, who knows it might just be a whole new who knows what ?? I had a really positive message from someone the other day that actually reduced me to tears , just sobbed . They were reading the blog and it was going a little way to understanding what there family member was going through . no thanks needed as I have said before it helps me a lot , if it helps someone else then that’s good isn’t it ? This bit is much tougher going than before when I was just an absolute mess !! I can see a bit more now , and no lies going back there doesn’t seem half as scary as dealing with now , how stupid is that !! If I could pause the world while I sort out one thing at a time in my head that would be perfect for me . It won’t happen I know but there’s too many to deal with I can’t let anything else in and that’s really tough because I am just functioning again same as I was before , so what’s the point ? That’s what I have also been asking !
Im now a grandad with and he is a little belter , and a credit to his mum and dad !! though he is a bit fiery he’s doing well and starting to smile now which is making everyone melt 😍
I should really finish here it’s getting late and I should try and get some sleep !! If only I could . I’ve got more written down that I will post soon .
Thanks and as always feel free to comment .