Just start off with anyone who knows me , and has supported me through this illness from the start including all the support and comments through my blog , I was starting to feel a bit better , was able to function a bit better don’t get me wrong the night terrors are still with me , I don’t sleep for fear of the terrors , I still hurt myself accidentally on the cooker or with a knife . Just because I can’t remember if things are hot! Sounds a bit stupid I’m sure, it’s just I don’t think and forget things are hot ! I still talk to my voices and fight as hard as I can to keep the demons away . Now I have to confess that I have been hiding things and have been putting on a front again just to let people get on and move on as everyone is , and not trapped with me in my shitty dark confusing lonely world !! I’m stuck here with the world passing me by , I do feel a bit jealous sometimes but then that’s a scary place out there that I’m not ready for yet . I’ve been spending a lot of time trying to figure out how I’ve went wrong ? How am I not moving forward ? Why am I back with those black thoughts that don’t go away and I’m now thinking it’s the zbest way forward , especially now that life for everyone else is back to normal ! I’m a burden again , stopping people from being happy and I’m not in that world, I’m stuck in my lonely place with nowhere to go , stuck in my own head . I have been telling everyone how I’m feeling but it seems no ones listening to me , I feel like they have just dismissed what I am telling them , and even now after putting down every feeling , every horrible detail out there for all to read , telling someone your suicidal is not easy ! Then to have them just not entertain it has just fed into my thoughts that I’m not wanted , not to be bothered about , thrown out to sort it myself . Brutal truth is I can’t sort myself , I don’t know how to and I am just too exhausted to gather the strength it takes , so frustrated I feel so useless and hopeless ! I’m finding myself just being manic, trying not to stop , not to think because I can hear them and get that sick feeling in the pit of my stomach again .
Bottom line is I’m really struggling , so much pain physically and mentally drained ! I want out again , feel like lying down in a field and just seeing what happens , run away and hide on my own somewhere , only because it seems like it would not be so bad for everyone as committing suicide would be , I have thought a lot about which is best , not for me but to let everyone get on not being dragged down by me all the time , taking and giving nothing back . Over a year and constantly fighting everyday just to get by has left me exhausted and empty , numb and really don’t give a f@@k where it ends I just want it to ! Crying for no reason , sore heads that cause nosebleeds because I can’t stop , not even for a minute ! I’m fighting the urge to get in the car , go to my place . I had another plan that I would find my pills , get in the car , stop somewhere take the pills , lie down look up at the sky and just soak away . Need to shout louder but don’t see the point it’s even more tiring , sick of being tired ! no one that can help is listening ! No one knows what it takes , why I think the way I do , why suicide would save them from suffering anymore . Hate myself for it when I am a bit less foggy and dark , what’s the end game ? Where am I going ? No idea where , but I know I’m done , you win depression, too tired and now am giving in to it !! Isolating myself so as not to get in the way , hiding anywhere I can to keep out thevwaylet people keep moving on . Toiling not to pick up the gin and the Jack Danielsv Mr and drink til I pass out . Unconscious at peace , pain numbed for a bit , maybe look in the mirror and see me as apose to not recognising who’s looking back at me . So do you shout louder take the time and wait to see if anyone hears what I’m really saying ? We will see