No ones listening

Hi

Just start off with anyone who knows me , and has supported me through this illness from the start including all the support and comments through my blog , I was starting to feel a bit better , was able to function a bit better don’t get me wrong the night terrors are still with me , I don’t sleep for fear of the terrors , I still hurt myself accidentally on the cooker or with a knife . Just because I can’t remember if things are hot! Sounds a bit stupid I’m sure, it’s just I don’t think and forget things are hot ! I still talk to my voices and fight as hard as I can to keep the demons away . Now I have to confess that I have been hiding things and have been putting on a front again just to let people get on and move on as everyone is , and not trapped with me in my shitty dark confusing lonely world !! I’m stuck here with the world passing me by , I do feel a bit jealous sometimes but then that’s a scary place out there that I’m not ready for yet . I’ve been spending a lot of time trying to figure out how I’ve went wrong ? How am I not moving forward ? Why am I back with those black thoughts that don’t go away and I’m now thinking it’s the zbest way forward , especially now that life for everyone else is back to normal ! I’m a burden again , stopping people from being happy and I’m not in that world, I’m stuck in my lonely place with nowhere to go , stuck in my own head . I have been telling everyone how I’m feeling but it seems no ones listening to me , I feel like they have just dismissed what I am telling them , and even now after putting down every feeling , every horrible detail out there for all to read , telling someone your suicidal is not easy ! Then to have them just not entertain it has just fed into my thoughts that I’m not wanted , not to be bothered about , thrown out to sort it myself . Brutal truth is I can’t sort myself , I don’t know how to and I am just too exhausted to gather the strength it takes , so frustrated I feel so useless and hopeless ! I’m finding myself just being manic, trying not to stop , not to think because I can hear them and get that sick feeling in the pit of my stomach again .

Bottom line is I’m really struggling , so much pain physically and mentally drained ! I want out again , feel like lying down in a field and just seeing what happens , run away and hide on my own somewhere , only because it seems like it would not be so bad for everyone as committing suicide would be , I have thought a lot about which is best , not for me but to let everyone get on not being dragged down by me all the time , taking and giving nothing back . Over a year and constantly fighting everyday just to get by has left me exhausted and empty , numb and really don’t give a f@@k where it ends I just want it to ! Crying for no reason , sore heads that cause nosebleeds because I can’t stop , not even for a minute ! I’m fighting the urge to get in the car , go to my place . I had another plan that I would find my pills , get in the car , stop somewhere take the pills , lie down look up at the sky and just soak away . Need to shout louder but don’t see the point it’s even more tiring , sick of being tired ! no one that can help is listening ! No one knows what it takes , why I think the way I do , why suicide would save them from suffering anymore . Hate myself for it when I am a bit less foggy and dark , what’s the end game ? Where am I going ? No idea where , but I know I’m done , you win depression, too tired and now am giving in to it !! Isolating myself so as not to get in the way , hiding anywhere I can to keep out thevwaylet people keep moving on . Toiling not to pick up the gin and the Jack Danielsv Mr and drink til I pass out . Unconscious at peace , pain numbed for a bit , maybe look in the mirror and see me as apose to not recognising who’s looking back at me . So do you shout louder take the time and wait to see if anyone hears what I’m really saying ? We will see

Thanks

Published by sinook01

Hi i am a 49 year old plumber who ran his own business for years happily married for 27 years and one 22 year old son recently had a breakdown ended up in hospital dignosed with a severe depression this blog is my journey day to day

6 thoughts on “No ones listening

  1. Hello Richy, I’m so sad to hear you are in so much pain. I know for sure you are not a burden and are so loved. Can you contact your health team soon rather than wait until your next appointment? Whilst I can’t offer a solution I can say you are being heard. Hold on and think of your little grandson who needs his grandad. Xxx

  2. Hi Richy, you know that I have only met you a couple of times and that Christine and Matt always keep us up to date. If we lived near we would see you face to face and I would see you personally and chat about anything. I want you to get better and it’s so difficult to do this when we physically cannot be with you. Talking and being connected over your blog is a really good way of saying how you feel and it gives everybody else a chance to understand your feelings. It also shows that a lot of people really care about you. I think it is fair to say that there are lots of people have different versions of the same thing and that it’s the support network around each person that is the best start point to help. If you feel you want to, get in touch with me and talk. We do not know each very well and it would be nice to speak to you. Christine and Matt have my phone number. Take care Richy, my friend.

    1. Hi Mike , thanks mate that is really very much appreciated ! you’ve no idea . It may seem a simple message , but the fact you took time out to write such a kind message says a lot and means a lot 🤝
      Thanks Mike ( it only takes one time and you can make a friend ) 👍🤝

      1. Thank you Richy, your reply is equally heart warming, thank you for reading my comment and I will always have time for you. Take care

  3. I’m so sorry that you are still suffering so much -I know the people around you love you so much and that’s what you need to hold on to .

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