Hi still here !
This lockdown has turned everything on it’s head for me , and for all those that read or have read my blogs you will know how trapped and how pointless days have been , lockdown for me was just another day the same as all the days before and suddenly I’m not the odd one out , the one who people can’t understand what I’m talking about . Days just melt into one , there’s no days just sleeping and waking up , cut off from your family and friends not able to visit ! Well that’s where I have been and am still ! So I guess Covid has shown everyone a wee bit of what I and many others do and have been feeling all this time ??
I started doing this blog not to have people reading it and feeling sorry for me , not to get likes or followers , not for my ego because to be honest when I started writing I had no clue what I was doing , where I was ! Apart from it was awful black and still after re reading my past blogs cannot remember writing them . It is just my way of venting , writing down how I’m feeling , trying to untie the mess and understanding what the hell is happening to me , if it reaches one person and they can relate then that’s amazing and if not I still continue writing , just because it helps I suppose . So how’s it going ?
Better than before , I can see a bit clearer and understand a bit more and can see the wee chinks I’m always being told about , though I’m not going to lie from then to date it has brought new challenges , new more realistic fears , worries and at the same time being very aware of where I was and being terrified of making a mistake and heading back into the fog , the blackness ! So things are still really tough but just in a different way now . Depression still causes my brain to lie to me , I know what’s happened and it is just that , something that happened , my depression doesn’t want me to know that , it wants only sadness and self doubt , no confidence in yourself or your decisions , I’m pretty sure it’s trying desperately to push the big red self destruct button ! One of the hardest things for me just now is the feeling that everyone has moved on , the worlds moving on and I have been left behind and can’t catch up so then I’m feeling lonely and hopeless and I suppose a wee bit jealous that I can’t be normal and move with everyone. I have hit a brick wall and can’t find the energy to climb over it , I’m just so tired, most days feels like I’m dragging myself around and at the same time dragging everyone with me , I feel so guilty and can’t shake it , everyone says it’s not my fault but it kinda is I mean I caused it , it was me that thought I could take the world on my shoulders and fix everything at once ! Me that chose that so me that caused it , fact !! I can’t tell if what I’m feeling or thinking is the truth or if it’s just my illness playing games , I guess I’m trying to explain that theres not just one path or one cure your looking for , there’s still so many different problems to solve , it’s like painting the Forth Road Bridge by the time you get to one end you just start over again !
The truth is that people move on and onto another crisis , another something to think about , your not a raving loony any more , your ok and as anyone that suffers from depression or anxiety knows , that is far from the truth so you start to feel like your very alone again left to wade through on your own and then the wee voice says fuck it no one cares , and you just agree , like a kid that doesn’t know any better and trusts what it’s being told ! It is all so confusing and sore really , it hurts it really does . This is another crossroads for me , another hurdle towards the end whatever that is ? Do I have the energy , do I want to find the extra energy ? I don’t know just now , I just know that the struggle to get this small distance is leaving me with a long way to go as I’ve said before is it easier to just live with it live like this until everyone is gone and it’s just me left ? I can’t help pushing people away , I’m told and i think it’s the way forward to save any more pain for anyone . Truth is I don’t know what’s best I can only listen to the voices telling me it’s the best for me and for everyone else and them really . It’s difficult just now not to hurt myself , punish myself , to feel better to feel different pain , run away ? Andy my councillor asks me do you really want to be dead ? Not sure what that means ?. I don’t see it like that , I don’t think about being dead as you would , it’s just a place to go !! I’ve got Dr Sharma on Friday for meds review and a grilling , so will see how that goes . I have recently became a grandad and my wee beastie does make me smile ( when he’s not screaming the house down ) he is something to cling onto which is pathetic really that I would be hanging onto my wee beastie , a grown man like me should be letting him hang on to me , be his grandad . He has no idea how important he is to me for a few reasons , and I hope to god he never does .
Thanks again and as always feel free to get in touch , to chat shite just to pass the time or just cos I get it .
I found my scribbling pad so I will start writing that down on the blog