Hi . I seem to have my meds sorted now and hopefully can stay on these and keep recovering . I have a good afternoon or a good day and the worst of it is waking up the next day and there it is again , a weight that won’t lift a feeling , empty and pointless , so what is the point of having a good day if I never know how I will wake up and it is heartbreaking back in the loneliness , walking through the fog again ! That’s the only way to describe it , alone and isolated black clouds not far away , it’s taking a heavy toll on everyone now and not just me , I am kind of not affected by it because I’m in it if that makes sense ? It was better before as I had no real clue what was going on with me or round about me , now I am more aware I don’t like it as that brings a different beast altogether! So there’s the fog I talk about , I want to be better , feel better be able to function normally though if I’m being honest I’m not too fussed for me it’s more for all round that are closest to me for them to function normally . Ta been a long hard slog and I have put myself and everyone else through things no one should be asked to deal with and with that comes a massive amount of guilt , and guilt as I have said before that crushes me and haunts the fuck out of me ! Maybe it’s better to not be better as that seems less painful for me and I hate myself for thinking that way but there seems to be no end to this illness , I mean it has taken so much from those closest to me and for that I will always be sorry . I was reading a story the other day about a man who after battling with depression for 18 months seemed to be recovering then committed suicide ! I have heard it before and thought it seemed pointless to go through all that only to end it , where I am just now I can totally understand how that would happen . It’s really exhausting and disappointing waking up and getting up feeling dark as , and weary . So yes I get it I get why you would do that its boring kind of ? Taking 12 pills every day seeing a councillor, the shrink , sometimes it’s more painful now than it was at my darkest !! So I get it .
Still can’t concentrate , hate being around a lot of people it’s confusing and stressful as I can’t think quick enough or adapt to what’s going on around me , then there’s the noise in my head and then the chest pains and panic . Is it still voices I’m hearing , it is sometimes and it’s definitely more frightening than before as are the night terrors , the weird realistic dreams , I have stopped sleep eating and am just sleep walking now ! I thought my mum was at my door the other night asking for help so I went downstairs and opened the front door looking for her , she wasn’t there , sometimes it’s hard to tell what’s real and what I’m dreaming , and it’s frightening me so much that going to sleep now is scary because I know it’s coming , tonight maybe or when I doze off , the dreams I can kind of deal with as it normally involves me waking up somewhere random and sometimes just wake up crying somewhere . I can see no end to it now and thinking it’s maybe time to resign myself to the fact that this illness has got as good as it gets , then maybe the mornings won’t be so disappointing and the guilt will subside . Im running out of ways to cope with it all and it has ground me away to the point there’s not much left in n the tank ! It’s been almost a year since my breakdown I have lost so much , not just my identity but me as a person , I have no clue how or if I want him back but creating a new me seems as frightening as where I am and have been .
So add confusion now to the list , overwhelmed doesn’t come close , so all this time fighting to get better now seems that getting better is as scary , just a slightly different kind of scary !!! No clue where this ends or if does ?