Open the box

Open the box ..
what’s in this box ? To be honest I’m not really sure think it’s stuff like losing vans and cars being made bankrupt losing my bank account being financially reduced to my knees having my sister and son bail me out with money trying to commit suicide going missing getting wasted and having seriously bad arguments that almost made my wife leave me live with the threat that at any time they could take my house , cutting myself , embarrassing myself and letting Ann owen and my family down crushing guilt losing everything that I had worked for , for nigh on 20 years of blood sweat and tears and soo many late night early mornings working and doing invoicing and tax vat and corp tax returns all disappeared in one night also will never get over owen seeing me in that state crying and loosing my grip on reality, knowing I had brought my family to near financial ruin and have no way of making it any better it still haunts me many other things I can’t put my finger on just now , they all think it’s getting better and it’s not really I still hear my voices still have night terrors still think about suicide still find it hard to get up not bothered if I shower or shave feel destructive and struggling to not cut myself tho I have a few times and excised it away I feel so much pressure to fix these problems then there’s having to put shadow to sleep I am still pushing that one down for later so I suppose in conclusion I am dealing with day to day life and feeling like I’m at the edge of a cliff and one foot the wrong way and it’s all over , in a state of numb nothingness with suicide not far away hate Ann having to look and be with someone so depressed , so I put it on ! fake smiles trying to take the edge off and make her a bit happier as I’m terrified she’s going to leave , it is exhausting , I’m so exhausted mentally and physically , new meds don’t have as many side effects but not sure they’re working not keen on telling dr Sharma as I’ve had so many changes also not telling Andy the whole truth and I know you’ll think it’s stupid but I don’t like disappointing him and if I’m not pushing forward I just tell him I am ?! Stupid I know but I can’t with help it or stop myself though I do it with everyone so at least I can buy into the bullshit maybe , ?? Someone asked me if I had a wish what would it be ? Instant answer wasn’t to be cured it was to just have one day just one day being normal , making people happy and lifting a room instead of bringing it down , and thinking normal thoughts rather than having fukd up thoughts and confusion ! talking to people and then being exhausted , night terrors are draining me further and even hurting myself during the terror , all sorts of ones for instance just gripped with absolute fear for no reason , people in the room like shadows taunting me cutting at me , someone in the corner muttering and I go to see what it is , terrified . it’s a shadow with a black hood muttering you will die soon your dreams will make sure you stay here and don’t return you’ll be mine , laughing , These are a few and now I am terrified to go to sleep ! I’m in a better place than I was as it’s not as black but without the darkness I can see more and it seems darker if that makes any sense ? I’m not even going into where covid is taking me because that’s not something I have any room for just now , i catch myself in the mirror and mostly don’t recognise him ! Fifth change of meds so now taking four different tablets twice a day , basically I am confused and lost overwhelmed by everything , seems to me the darkness is better as it wasn’t as confusing and exhausting for me , I have no real clue what impact this has had on those close to mealso friends sending supportive messages . I do kinda know and I know it is living hell and apologies dont even make a dent , I can only imagine but don’t want to go there as it’s too
much pain and I have no strength left to deal
with that or be told how bad they feel and the impact I think would be devastating for me , I feel fragile like a bottle on the road and it’s up to fate if it’s smashed or if its picked up and kept whole
Just lost


Published by sinook01

Hi i am a 49 year old plumber who ran his own business for years happily married for 27 years and one 22 year old son recently had a breakdown ended up in hospital dignosed with a severe depression this blog is my journey day to day

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