Still here

Hi .

It’s been a wee while since my last post because I have been writing in my diary I just still not sure what to write for a change ! Can’t write about how I feel because I have no feelings one way or another I feel like I’m wandering around in no mans land , just stoating about nowhere to go nothing to interest me ? Honestly if someone done something to hurt me it doesn’t . Been a tough few weeks with Ann being bitten by Shadow and then having to have her put to sleep , she used to sleep in the conservatory and I still can’t bring myself to go in , not really so much upsetting for me I feel it’s like I’m intruding on her space . With Anns hands being out of action I’ve had to pick up the slack and it is exhausting and i was discussing this with Andy and we kind of agreed that I am pushing so hard that my brain is going backwards to try protect itself hence why I feel no real joy or happiness and being able to pretend and smile through is as ever just sucking the life out of me it was also mentioned that I now understand what’s going on , and that is frightening as the version Andy thinks is not the case , I feel now as if this is me this will be me and I will have to decide if I can live being so empty ? it’s a strange place to be ! , like before it was dark and terrifying now it’s kinda like I can see the darkness and it’s not in my bubble but instead it’s scraping and kicking to get in and there’s no way for me to stop it so it’s just a matter of time before it gets in and I’m the same as I was before , it’s a very sick thing that it gives you a bit hope then nah you’ve had enough time away , time to go back . Everything is just coming flying at me and I am totally overwhelmed by the new problems never mind still trying to unpick the tangled mess that’s there already, could use words like hopeless , disconnected from the world , actually just going through the motions floating along , drifting I suppose ? The demons still torture me but most frequently it’s night terrors where they do there worst ! There are no ways to describe how vivid they are , and terrifying. So I’m guess I’m just waiting to see what happens the next couple weeks and then the new meds will be right in my system and can see if they are working, and if not another change , number 5 !! I don’t like what I think is understanding the illness I think it’s more I am aware how bad it is and I don’t like where that’s taking me . Scared feeling like this numbness will make me choose where to be or has decided already and I am preparing myself for it , cards in a row and boxes ticked . I have notes that I’ve still to organise into this blog so maybe some clarity there ?? Who knows ? No more visits to see Andy as the buildings closing so that’s freaking me and then the meds what if they run out and I can’t take them anymore ? Covid 19 is causing uncertainty and panic , lifting the anxiety .

Thanks for listening / reading . Speak soon

Published by sinook01

Hi i am a 49 year old plumber who ran his own business for years happily married for 27 years and one 22 year old son recently had a breakdown ended up in hospital dignosed with a severe depression this blog is my journey day to day

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