How quick it changes

Hi

In the last 24 hrs I have suddenly with none of the usual gradual signs that I am crashing , as I’m writing this at 6 am I’ve been awake most of the night with no sleep the previous 24 hours , the night terrors won’t leave me alone and I am genuinely absolutely terrified ! I have that sick feeling in the pit of my stomach , it’s like a twisted knot that I can feel like a crushing panic , I want to run away , I want out and this scares me going down this road I’m in the dark place against and I can’t ever remember how I get up from it , I never can ! I am gripped with a sickening feeling that if I don’t run it’ll be self harm or suicide . Where can I run to just disappear, hide from the terror and get some peace though I’ve still got the voices to deal with , angrier and getting impossible to not listen to . I’ve been here before many times , not hungry , not interested in anything , can’t concentrate. I’m back in the darkness I’m giving it everything I’ve got mentally and physically but you know what I’m just too tired and can’t be bothered it’s winning at the moment , crushing me , sucking the good out and leaving me with nothing , I feel totally useless and worthless , things just keep piling up on top of me like heavy weights making my arms and legs feel like lead weights . Every little thing that goes wrong it works back to me and being ill and drags me down further into the darkness , not able to work , cant even give a lift to someone because I’m not fit to drive . I am contributing absolutely nothing . So the suggestion from the voices is get rid of my useless fucking self and that seems like the option just now . I just wander about getting in the way and stopping people living there own lives instead they are living mine with me and I can’t take that anymore . I am dragging everyone down with me and I can’t , won’t let that happen anymore , I just don’t know how to stop it !! Not safe at the moment feel fragile and not giving a fuck dangerous where I will just do anything as there’s no real pain or consequences for me . I sometimes feel just bored of it bored with the illness , the pills , the counselling the constant fog or darkness , basically everything , I am at the end of my tether and don’t know how much longer I can be trapped in this shitty place causing pain and fear all about me ! If I’m done with it I’m sure everyone else is too . Even writing this I am feeling sick because I know what comes next !!! I’m done really just exhausted I would just lie down somewhere quiet and wait , fall asleep and not wake up and have peace along with everyone else, the mikes in my hand and I want to drop it and that’s me out …..

Thanks

Published by sinook01

Hi i am a 49 year old plumber who ran his own business for years happily married for 27 years and one 22 year old son recently had a breakdown ended up in hospital dignosed with a severe depression this blog is my journey day to day

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