It’s just another birthday folk say ! So here’s my personal take on it , I turned 50 today and to be fair I’m surprised I’ve made it this far and I’m sure many who know me will agree !! I’m not concerned with turning 50 personally , it is however a big thing for family and friends as they want to celebrate it with you , here lies my dilemma and another reason to be hurting about , giving me pain , feeling like a letdown for not being able able to do what you would do without thinking about it . I mean I have never thought about how other people’s need to celebrate either with you or for you until this weekend , I have thought a lot about this question , my question , I can’t stand the thought that I can’t be in a room with all my family , friends , all at once so they can celebrate for me and with me because I can’t cope with the noise too many people overwhelm me and anxiety and panic take over !! It’s not fair that I should restrict what is there right to be happy for me and celebrate my big birthday the 50 which is a milestone , I can’t find a way round it , so can I throw myself in at the deep end and use as much energy as I can to just be there and put myself in what I know will be a very stressful , emotional situation . I have placed so many shitty situations on the ones closest to me and every time , they step up ! I can’t face the thought of another kick in the proverbial nuts for them !! Also there’s the gift side , I’m sitting here thinking on that and have been for days , how can I take gifts from people that I have given what is a preverbal kick in the nuts to. that they are restricted to torture , fear and too many very upsetting situations I’ve put them through, I am struggling with this one and I do not know how to get this one right because once it’s gone you can’t get it back , celebrate it next year including Christmas and countless birthdays and special moments in my life doesn’t seem very fair at all to me ! Knowing me I’ll just crash into it and see what happens , that’s assuming I’ve enough energy left as I don’t have much left and I’m not able to recharge very much just now , decisions need made and I know I am not in a good enough place right now to be making big decisions , guess it will work itself out . And now the stomach is turning and the arguments in my head are starting to get louder and angrier , think I’m fukd either way , another thing this illness has taken from me and now it blackens everyone else !! Happy 50th to me seems pointless to share it on your own .