So far !!

Hi .

I will start this one by admitting that I have been self harming , cutting arms and inside my legs . Also I had taken an overdose a few weeks back and ended up having to be taken by ambulance into hospital , and I have no memory after I took the tablets until I was coming round in the cubicle with the doctor and being filled with feelings of disappointment that I was in hospital and had survived , the doc asked me why I was disappointed at waking up and the only reply was that I’m talking to you so much m alive !! Thankfully they got to me quickly and gave me two injections of the anti dote for the paracetamol and an anti sickness jab later on in the night . I am still not able to properly process this , and I need to as it’s becoming a problem again . I promised I would not attempt to take my life again and then am trying so hard to not listen or dwell on it , it’s happened and I need to deal with the extra hurt and worry I have caused ! Scars on my arms and legs are covered up in public and I know at some point I can show them without the feelings of disgust , shame and embarrassment. I also haven’t recovered from my attempt at suicide and it weighs heavy on me , another millstone round my neck to break off . Just more shit to put in the backpack and then sort through the tangled mess inside .

Very irritable just now , I think it’s its ok one of the many side effect of the new meds . Don’t know how I feel at the moment , everything seems like it’s going too fast for me and I can’t keep up ! My head does feel less fuzzy than it has been since the beginning , I am now faced with picking a road and see where it takes me which in itself is a nightmare as there’s so many to choose , like spaghetti junction and I’m driving a smart car on the roads with arctic lorries all around , it’s terrifying for me .

I am becoming more aware of my surroundings and the only way I can explain it is I feel like I’m standing at the side of a very busy road and not being able to pick out all the cars , that only one or two as they are travelling so fast . A few positives have surfaced , just small things that you would never even give a thought to as you would just do it or be doing it without knowing , whereas these everyday things are missing for me , and have been since the start . Still the negatives drown the positives but I will take one of them every day if the week as a bit of me trying to get out , so I guess we’re making progress ?

It’s still very dark in here and I can still only see the wee lights flying about me , so I’m thinking keep grabbing til I get one and then maybe that will lead to another until there’s more light than dark ?

I’m almost out of the field field that I have been in , that place where your brains foggy and your not sure of anything except for what the voices are saying , not even shouting ! just screaming so loud , trying to shout over one and the other leaving nothing for me and my voice , it just shrinks away , Feel like one legs over the fence and my foot is searching for the ground . There are little chinks of me coming back though , the other day I was listening on my headphones and I caught myself with a wee smile on my face ! Not an extraordinary thing to do but it is literally the first time in eight months and it felt weird seeing it but not feeling it ! Then it’s gone and the darkness seeps back in covering me in a black blanket , voices shouting and screaming .

I suppose I will take that tiny win , that small part that’s still wants to fight and , in all honesty at the moment I have not much more than that to fight with , out of energy and still playing fuel roulette !!


Published by sinook01

Hi i am a 49 year old plumber who ran his own business for years happily married for 27 years and one 22 year old son recently had a breakdown ended up in hospital dignosed with a severe depression this blog is my journey day to day

2 thoughts on “So far !!

  1. Remember you are poorly so don’t be hard on yourself. It is awful but keep catching the wee lights. Keep going you are needed. Xx

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