I will start this one by admitting that I have been self harming , cutting arms and inside my legs . Also I had taken an overdose a few weeks back and ended up having to be taken by ambulance into hospital , and I have no memory after I took the tablets until I was coming round in the cubicle with the doctor and being filled with feelings of disappointment that I was in hospital and had survived , the doc asked me why I was disappointed at waking up and the only reply was that I’m talking to you so much m alive !! Thankfully they got to me quickly and gave me two injections of the anti dote for the paracetamol and an anti sickness jab later on in the night . I am still not able to properly process this , and I need to as it’s becoming a problem again . I promised I would not attempt to take my life again and then am trying so hard to not listen or dwell on it , it’s happened and I need to deal with the extra hurt and worry I have caused ! Scars on my arms and legs are covered up in public and I know at some point I can show them without the feelings of disgust , shame and embarrassment. I also haven’t recovered from my attempt at suicide and it weighs heavy on me , another millstone round my neck to break off . Just more shit to put in the backpack and then sort through the tangled mess inside .
Very irritable just now , I think it’s its ok one of the many side effect of the new meds . Don’t know how I feel at the moment , everything seems like it’s going too fast for me and I can’t keep up ! My head does feel less fuzzy than it has been since the beginning , I am now faced with picking a road and see where it takes me which in itself is a nightmare as there’s so many to choose , like spaghetti junction and I’m driving a smart car on the roads with arctic lorries all around , it’s terrifying for me .
I am becoming more aware of my surroundings and the only way I can explain it is I feel like I’m standing at the side of a very busy road and not being able to pick out all the cars , that only one or two as they are travelling so fast . A few positives have surfaced , just small things that you would never even give a thought to as you would just do it or be doing it without knowing , whereas these everyday things are missing for me , and have been since the start . Still the negatives drown the positives but I will take one of them every day if the week as a bit of me trying to get out , so I guess we’re making progress ?
It’s still very dark in here and I can still only see the wee lights flying about me , so I’m thinking keep grabbing til I get one and then maybe that will lead to another until there’s more light than dark ?
I’m almost out of the field field that I have been in , that place where your brains foggy and your not sure of anything except for what the voices are saying , not even shouting ! just screaming so loud , trying to shout over one and the other leaving nothing for me and my voice , it just shrinks away , Feel like one legs over the fence and my foot is searching for the ground . There are little chinks of me coming back though , the other day I was listening on my headphones and I caught myself with a wee smile on my face ! Not an extraordinary thing to do but it is literally the first time in eight months and it felt weird seeing it but not feeling it ! Then it’s gone and the darkness seeps back in covering me in a black blanket , voices shouting and screaming .
I suppose I will take that tiny win , that small part that’s still wants to fight and , in all honesty at the moment I have not much more than that to fight with , out of energy and still playing fuel roulette !!