Stopped short and rolling backwards

Hi .

This is where i am , voices still there my legs and arms heavy , my heart hurts , night terrors are bad as they ever have been and I have now started clawing at my arms and legs which Andy is calling low level self harm . It distracts me for minutes at a time when the voices are really loud or I wake up scratching from another night terror ,

I feel more fragile now than I ever have throughout this , more exhausted, my arms and legs are dead weights , eyes are heavy and shaking more often as well . I had a kinda conversation with myself on paper to sort things out because I can’t do it in my head about all the feelings I experience , put them into boxes kind of , a bit like pros and cons list and here’s a bit of that and how it went .

I am at the moment isolated, lonely and guilt ridden to name the first couple . I can be sitting with Ann holding hands or having a cuddle being close and still feel as if I am a million miles away on my own ! . Loneliness leads to confusion and I don’t know why I feel so empty so numb , I can’t figure it out at all and that leads to the desolation the loneliness , the feeling I’m on my own so will have to do it myself , no one around to help for miles and that brings the panic the fear , then the guilt the crushing guilt that totally overwhelms me and blurs all the lines and as I’ve mentioned before makes me feel physically sick , crushing my chest . Then I wander into the dark vennels like a dark maze that there’s no way out of , that’s where the voices are , sometimes running all round and past me shouting as they go , silence then behind me and then all around , the noise is too much I can’t bear it . Peeling veg and he is telling me to cut my arms , stab your hand with the knife then he shouts at me !! So you do and he seems happy for a while and my head goes quiet , even writing this I am panicking, feeling sick and this is most of the day everyday .

Suicide or running away , just disappearing? . I think about both a lot . Suicide is where I go when i can’t take any more it’s the way forward , stop the pain , the loneliness, the guilt . I am worried about hurting Ann not physically but mentally and that puts a hurdle up that I can’t get over , I can’t jump or climb over it knowing that if I could I would have gone many times by now . I’m writing this and the voices saying , it’s pointless writing this you can’t win we will win at any cost , so what is the point of this of anything . Can’t find any real positives , even on a pros v cons sheet the negatives win by a mile , even writing seems pointless but I write to express how I feel , not to keep it all in to read it back and try to make sense of it and hopefully read something and think naaa that’s bullshit !

Someone said to me once that your not weak asking for help that it takes strength of character an inner toughness to ask for help , maybe I was strong and maybe from then til now it has sucked all the inner toughness and my strength from me leaving only the darkness and no fight left , no strength, no courage , no clue !! I genuinely hate this as much as it hates me , and it does . Hanging around , chipping away at me , hurting and upsetting people all around me , it’s not me it’s them causing this .

I’m lost and don’t know where to go what to do , who to be . I listen to the voices as they are certain it’s they’re way , it’s the only way . I am too tired and confused to offer any alternative at the moment , so will keep wading in the mire until , well I don’t know til when !

Run away start. afresh . Will that sort me out , does isolation cancel out isolation ? Does loneliness cancel out loneliness ? Or is it worse , does leaving everything behind and cause upset for it to be worse at that place ? Fuck knows tbh I don’t know anything apart from torture , turmoil and darkness . The new normal it seems !!


Published by sinook01

Hi i am a 49 year old plumber who ran his own business for years happily married for 27 years and one 22 year old son recently had a breakdown ended up in hospital dignosed with a severe depression this blog is my journey day to day

One thought on “Stopped short and rolling backwards

  1. Hi Richy, I’m so sad to hear you are struggling. I have been thinking since your original post about the voices you hear.

    Before I go on congratulations are in order – you are going to be a Grandad! Beautiful news!

    Whilst I can’t offer any medical advice could you ‘humanise’ them? If they were real they would be insecure bullies. Hiding behind their own flaws and insecurities. This way it might help you push back. Posh bird is probably in a failed marriage, she isn’t hitting her targets at work and her latest Botox treatment has raised one eye so high her so-called friends at Pilates call her Jack Sparrow. As for the bloke – typical keyboard warrior, smells a bit and works as a programmer. Lives with his mom and still has Pamela Anderson posters up in his miserable bedroom even though he is 47 (and he is stillhiding his wank sock under the bed). They just need to go fuck themselves. Give them both a name like Cocksucker Keith and Dry Fanny Annie.

    Why let them dictate? They are insignificant shits who can’t face their own reality?!

    Always hold on to the fact that people near and far care. Xxx

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