This is where i am , voices still there my legs and arms heavy , my heart hurts , night terrors are bad as they ever have been and I have now started clawing at my arms and legs which Andy is calling low level self harm . It distracts me for minutes at a time when the voices are really loud or I wake up scratching from another night terror ,
I feel more fragile now than I ever have throughout this , more exhausted, my arms and legs are dead weights , eyes are heavy and shaking more often as well . I had a kinda conversation with myself on paper to sort things out because I can’t do it in my head about all the feelings I experience , put them into boxes kind of , a bit like pros and cons list and here’s a bit of that and how it went .
I am at the moment isolated, lonely and guilt ridden to name the first couple . I can be sitting with Ann holding hands or having a cuddle being close and still feel as if I am a million miles away on my own ! . Loneliness leads to confusion and I don’t know why I feel so empty so numb , I can’t figure it out at all and that leads to the desolation the loneliness , the feeling I’m on my own so will have to do it myself , no one around to help for miles and that brings the panic the fear , then the guilt the crushing guilt that totally overwhelms me and blurs all the lines and as I’ve mentioned before makes me feel physically sick , crushing my chest . Then I wander into the dark vennels like a dark maze that there’s no way out of , that’s where the voices are , sometimes running all round and past me shouting as they go , silence then behind me and then all around , the noise is too much I can’t bear it . Peeling veg and he is telling me to cut my arms , stab your hand with the knife then he shouts at me !! So you do and he seems happy for a while and my head goes quiet , even writing this I am panicking, feeling sick and this is most of the day everyday .
Suicide or running away , just disappearing? . I think about both a lot . Suicide is where I go when i can’t take any more it’s the way forward , stop the pain , the loneliness, the guilt . I am worried about hurting Ann not physically but mentally and that puts a hurdle up that I can’t get over , I can’t jump or climb over it knowing that if I could I would have gone many times by now . I’m writing this and the voices saying , it’s pointless writing this you can’t win we will win at any cost , so what is the point of this of anything . Can’t find any real positives , even on a pros v cons sheet the negatives win by a mile , even writing seems pointless but I write to express how I feel , not to keep it all in to read it back and try to make sense of it and hopefully read something and think naaa that’s bullshit !
Someone said to me once that your not weak asking for help that it takes strength of character an inner toughness to ask for help , maybe I was strong and maybe from then til now it has sucked all the inner toughness and my strength from me leaving only the darkness and no fight left , no strength, no courage , no clue !! I genuinely hate this as much as it hates me , and it does . Hanging around , chipping away at me , hurting and upsetting people all around me , it’s not me it’s them causing this .
I’m lost and don’t know where to go what to do , who to be . I listen to the voices as they are certain it’s they’re way , it’s the only way . I am too tired and confused to offer any alternative at the moment , so will keep wading in the mire until , well I don’t know til when !
Run away start. afresh . Will that sort me out , does isolation cancel out isolation ? Does loneliness cancel out loneliness ? Or is it worse , does leaving everything behind and cause upset for it to be worse at that place ? Fuck knows tbh I don’t know anything apart from torture , turmoil and darkness . The new normal it seems !!