Not sure how to start this one because i am not sure where to am just now , feel like I’m wandering around detached from the world I don’t feel anything , feel empty , lost , confused . I don’t feel like my brain is as muted as it was before like I had sunglasses on before and now I’ve not so I can see better but everything is still black inside !
I don’t know if it’s a stage you go through or what ? I can’t make any sense of it , should I even try ? I was thinking the other night about the whole life and death thing and I am erring towards the conclusion that life is a bit pointless really , I mean in my case I struggle through this depression get to the other side and then what ? I’m going to die at some point as we all will , so what do I get from this , a new me ?
Questions are always spinning round , will I like this new person ? Will anyone, will my wife and family , it is terrifying to consider that maybe I won’t like everyone , what then ? So what do I do , wait for my world to crumble into pieces around me again or preempt it and check out before the implosion?
Strong feelings that I need to get away drop out of life , do I have that option because I really can’t see past the next ten minutes never mind weeks or months , I’m scared to get involved but I don’t feel scared still something in my stomach, that churning sick feeling I get is telling me I’m terrified ! I have lost so much of myself I couldn’t take losing those close to me I’m sure , so there’s the problem , confusion , I have no clue !!
Numb feeling is like being a pint glass full of liquid and it all gets sucked out , you know your still a glass but you have no liquid so no purpose , just sitting there waiting to be filled up but when , and how long until you become dusty and no longer needed and are binned ? Do I fill the glass with new stuff and not like the taste or smell ? Or will it taste better or the same .
Change keeps happening and with every change however small I crash backwards further into my darkness, back to the place where the voices are strong , demanding ! I fight and am fighting with all I have but I don’t feel as if i have enough left , not enough for another big fight . So at the moment I’m lying down trying to recharge but while doing that life keeps throwing things at me to deal with , sapping more energy I can’t afford to lose . Who wins ? I can’t see me winning the fight , I’m exhausted with it all , shattered and hopeless !
So that’s where I am today , sitting waiting for an answer that I’m not sure is coming and if it does will it be too late ? I find myself thinking I am as good as I will get so just settle and deal with it like I did before . That person I don’t recognise, can’t see . Too many years have passed and I have became lost . I am lost
Writing this down is making me feel sick , it’s that feeling of panic and fear , I know where it’s going and I don’t like it though at the same time I’m not fussed . Think I am giving up I’ve had nearly enough , just sleep or run away , start fresh ? I’m running out of options I feel trapped with no escape, locked in a constant fight with myself losing ground and getting pushed back . I can’t even say I hate myself properly because I don’t know me anymore . I am maybe still in there somewhere but can’t get out stuck in the treacle . I am trying desperately to convince myself I will get there, get out of the treacle but there’s too many voices telling me I won’t , I can’t !! I could go lie down in a field and close my eyes and see what happens , check out …. I am lost .