Sitting on the couch yesterday just going through stuff in my head eventually coming to the conclusion that I have lost so much over the past six months and it’s not really sunk in and not sure if it ever will , I realised for example my business going into liquidation and all the hard work that went into running it for so many years , losing my two vans , my car , I lost out on finishing my sons apprenticeship with him , lost six weeks of my life when I had my breakdown and have lost so many moments with my wife and family over the past six months . I know you can say these are mostly material things and should not concern me but I realised yesterday that they are a massive loss to me nonetheless my job , my career , my dignity , personal bankruptcy having no money no income , then my son announcing he’s moving out a huge loss to me it seems , and compounds the uselessness, the guilt , the emptiness and loneliness all mashed up with life events and that’s not even mentioning the day to day stuff to get through ! I am trying to best describe where I am just now , it’s not nice I am confused , forgetful , terrified , the list could go on . Hopefully you get some kind of feeling of where I am and I know there are many people worse off than me but for me this is as bad as anyone can be .
On the other side gaining a grandchild in July is something to look forward to !
I was very upset yesterday I feel like I am mourning a loss and I know I haven’t come to terms with them and have no idea as yet what impact it has / will have on me ? Or even how I can process it , I know I can’t hide it away somewhere deep inside because if I have learnt one thing this last six months it is that will come back and bite me on the arse with a destructive vengeance !
So what’s best , move on and forget it or lay to rest each loss individually ? Even writing this seems absurd as it’s not a physical loss like losing a friend or a loved one though it is to me just as painful and difficult to process .
This illness , this depression has taken so much from me and gives nothing back , no end in sight just the constant of trying to make it through another day. It has and still is slowly stripping away my character my hopes and dreams it seems , I am petrified of losing those close to me and that prompts a cover up response to try and protect what little I have left ! I have no idea what to do and that confusion frustrates the fuck out of me genuinely every minute of every day , along with overwhelming feelings of guilt , emptiness, loneliness and a strong desire most of the time to clear myself from this life and leave all behind without me and all my baggage . Every day it’s like I can’t get off my knees without something kicking me in the face and putting me right back in the dark basement . It is exhausting just seeing days out with what little energy I have left .
For someone to say you’ll be ok it’ll just take time or keep pushing hard you’ll get there . Where the fuck is it I’m supposed to be going ?? I have no clue where or how to get to this place and even if I did I don’t know what I would do when I got there tbh , so if you know then certainly give me a shout as I’m clueless ! Do I have a metaphorical funeral for all the parts I feel I have lost and lay them to rest , would that make a difference ? Is that a even a thing or is it just more madness , I’ve no idea really . I know I can’t sift through them one by one as it’s way too overwhelming for me .
What do I do next , where do I go , who do I become ? Getting better is just as frightening for me as being ill as I cannot see an end ( well an end where I still exist ) terrified there’s nothing for me , no place in the world for me no place anywhere which is where I am now so moving forward seems pointless really . It seems I am wading about in the treacle again feeling hopeless , terrified, confused , emotional , frustrated , angry with myself with this illness . What a state to find yourself in just going round in circles lurching from one emotion to another and never being able to stop anywhere for any length of time to tick that box , clear that chapter and move onto the next ! I feel like giving up as there is no endgame , I can see so no point in going somewhere you’re not welcome or nobody recognises you , I don’t even recognise me !!
It feels like trying to untangle a huge knot in string , every time you think you’ve got it and your on a roll it just cruelly leads to another ridiculous tangle and you start all over again .
This is my illness this is depression this is my struggle !
I haven’t even considered how I can put a stop to the anxiety , being round people in busy places , panic attacks , the shaking , sweating the feeling of dread and panic at even doing a small task is a huge problem for me at the moment . There are too many individual problems to fix and that is so overwhelming for me and I guess anyone , you just would rather hide away in the shadows . Can’t hide there though because that’s where the voices live , on the edge of darkness , my darkness !
This is my burden , my life , you may or may not agree but it is a hell on earth and there’s no light at the end of the tunnel , no happy ending in sight , just more darkness and more unanswered questions at the moment !!