Voices

Hi

Inside my head and the voices a wee insight .

I think when someone hears someone else say, “I hear voices in my head” their immediate assumption is that they have demons possessing them , talking to god or the devil , that’s what I thought before I started hearing voices !

My voices started as one voice.

A male — a very strong and persuasive male. Ii have heardsome people who hear voices know what they look like and see them, which must be terrifying. I’ve never seen who belongs to my voices. At least not properly. Sometimes I think I see them, then when I look again, there’s nothing there. They hide in the dark and behind me where I can’t see them. They breathe down my neck and make my hairs stand up. They know it’s what scares me because they told me.

What exactly do they say? Well, that’s a long story. They criticize every move I make, from the way I walk to the things I say. They often try appeal to me and get me to be on their side. They tell me my wife hates me , she just tolerates me so does my son and family and friends , one day they will leave me with nothing , and only my voices will be there for me.

I’ve never been too open about this part of my mental health. This is the part I’ve locked away, and for what feels like a good reason. I didn’t want people to think I was “crazy!” .

They remind me that they’ll never leave me like everyone else will , but they also threaten me too. They threaten to make me hurt myself and endanger my life.

Long story short , they’ve made me experience periods when I’ve thought about self-harming and suicide. I sometimes find myself in parts of the house with no recollection of how I got there and make the assumption I am there trying to escape the terrors sleep brings ?

My voices are incredibly persuasive. At the beginning when it was the one male voice, he would tell me he’d take away my illness if I injured myself and performed tasks he told me to do. I try not to listen but its terrifying and as real as anything that any others would hear , only it’s just my burden .

The second voice appeared a while after, this one belonged to a woman. She’s a very well spoken woman and always has a way with words. She’s calm, gentle, but incredibly clever. She says things my mind would never think of. She often tells me to do what she says instead of what the male says, and if I do follow what she says, she’ll get rid of the other voice and take away my suffering.

Now this has been an ongoing debate between the two of them . Occasionally they both agree and pick on me together but most times it’s individually . I cant control what they say to me or each other but most nights they cause terrible night terrors, mostly of which include them standing over my bed and I can’t move , I’m paralysed and terrified , they are pulling my arms and legs and cutting with knives or scissors I can’t see them properly, they’re just a blurry black outline .

I think about self-harming sometimes because i feel as it would remind me I’m here, not floating around somewhere neither in reality or in a dream , to remind me I’m still human im still here !

These things are happening all over. People are hearing voices, fighting debilitating depression and anxiety, fighting their own demons and all the while, do their best to hold up a “normal” life. In an ideal world, no one would be mentally unwell — we would all be on a fluffy rainbow covered cloud, smiling all the time and blasting our happy moods across the world. But unfortunately, this isn’t an ideal world. People are fighting wars in their own minds.

My voices are bad, they control a lot of aspects of my life, they impact my self-image and confidence, they terrify me and worry me, but I’m alive.

I’m alive through many attempts by them to cause serious harm to myself or commit suicide that they have tried to convince me to do , hurt myself and endanger my life. In simple terms it’s absolutely exhausting holding them back , and that brings my own fears of suicide just to make them go away so I can rest .

Im not “crazy.” Im just like you. But i can be strong. I can be stronger than they are, they cant get to choose ( can they ) My voices can usually hear, and it can fuel them. We fight our own fights, but adding fuel to the fire can be exhausting. These voices have power I can’t even put into words and it’s a daily struggle suppressing that power and pushing them back. It’s a constant struggle that makes life a very dark place, and it’s up to friends and family to be the supporters, to wave the flag and clap when i triumph over my demons. There’s an unlimited amount of spaces in the cheering support section, so pick up a flag and give us a wave, and we’ll do the same for you I guarantee it !

They don’t make me Richy , I make me Richy— my terrible jokes and bright outlook on life is what makes me who I am. And I’ll be fucked if I will let this beat me. There won’t be a day that goes by when I don’t fight these terrible voices.

I hope in reading this it’s given you a little idea as to what hearing my voices can be like, but I will never be able to put into words the true feeling of terror they give me .

And no one is the same, my stories and experiences are mine and others are going to be different , but I hope it has helped.

We’re not “crazy.” We’re just like you.

Thanks

Published by sinook01

Hi i am a 49 year old plumber who ran his own business for years happily married for 27 years and one 22 year old son recently had a breakdown ended up in hospital dignosed with a severe depression this blog is my journey day to day

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