It’s been a while since my last scribblings as I have been trying to work harder to get through this nightmare illness and writing this has taken a while and a lot of notes in the diary .
I am having good periods that last from hours to mornings or afternoons , so it seems like progress and then today I can’t get out of my bed and the darkness is back biting at my heels !!
Which brings me to why I’m posting today to try and explain to myself what the hell is going on .
Every morning when I wake up the first thing I think is am I feeling ok ? Did I have a good sleep or am I exhausted from disturbing dreams and restlessness , good day or bad?
At the moment I seem to be in the midst of a run of bad days after a mentally draining and very tough Christmas , and its scaring me senseless , for anyone that lives with mental illness you will know how treacherous the road back can be / will be .
Living in this precarious state of semi recovery is exhausting . The fear of being back in a darker place , thee darkest places I have have been and sometimes still am casts a shadow every single day and when my mood dips it’s really difficult not to get dragged back down into that black pit ! . So when I wake up in the morning and don’t feel great it’s hard not to fear the worst , I’m desperate to find a reason for my low mood but can’t put my finger on it and i panic I am at the beginning of that downward spiral? . I try to analyse my thoughts. How bad is it ? Will I feel better if I get up , have a shower? Or does even getting out of bed seem impossible.
I am learning through experience that my mental health can go downhill so frighteningly quickly , so I suppose it’s not really a surprise that the bad days fill me with so much dread !!
My anxiety levels go through the roof and thoughts of suicide start to overwhelm me again .
Sometimes you can see a bad day for what it is maybe a temporary blip in my recovery and not a major setback .
Most times it scares me witless , convincing myself that I’m back there not going forward just backwards into darkness and there’s nothing I can do to stop it .
I know I should tell someone how I’m feeling but I can’t , i am paralysed by the fear and don’t want to worry anyone or be a burden to them so best keep it to myself to save the guilt .
Im just tired is my response if anyone asks , and it’s true I am tired , tired of living like this , dragging all kinds of well meaning kind people with me is what it feels like living with this hateful illness , tired of being such a needy negative person , I’m tired of living with this illness , tired of never having any confidence in my mental state and tired of spending the good moments dreading the bad ! .
When you’re living through a mental breakdown ~ especially one that happened so quickly and what seems as violently as I had it’s hard to escape the horrible feeling that it will come back as violently and crushingly as at first , to overwhelm me with terrifying speed ! like being afraid to be afraid and being terrified to feel better in case it takes me back to that dark place that i have been for so long , if you suffer with or have suffered severe depression or depression of any sort you will understand what I mean and if you haven’t and I genuinely hope you never will understand , as that will mean you will never have to live through this terrifying , debilitating mental illness to understand where I am and many more are .
It’s taking me a long time to try and understand why I’m so self destructive and I still don’t understand really , I still feel as if I have no control over my thoughts but there are sometimes small pieces of me that come forward , only to be kicked right back again . In short I have no clue what is going on , only that I despise this illness .
Hopefully the darkness will pass and a bit light will come in and maybe one day feeling ok won’t be so terrifying.
Here’s to a better New Year .