This ones a tough one to write , not because its horrid or anything its just tough because im feeling numb again , emotionless not bothered . I had a weekend away at the caravan which was really good as i felt like i could breathe a bit easier kinda like i was on a different planet , my ideal place noone knows me and i did get a bit peace and that was really good to just feel free a wee bit lighter from the burden of a messy life , responsibility i cant cope with , but then back home .
Meds have been ramped up and theyre making me feel really weird, dizzy and ive started scratching at my arms and head , i seem to be in some kid of limbo at the moment not sure whats going on . I can hear the voices i can feel that sick feeling in my stomach i want to run away i want to ease the burden on everyone but i feel totally numb even more emotionless than before , i cant process or deal with any new problems and i am shaking like a leaf writing this ! Confused as i ever have been .
The darkness seems closer now the voices more menacing , criticising , angry . I am getting better at hiding whats going on with me from people , , maybe like a coping thing . Dark thoughts are expanding from my plan to thinking other ways , sometimes i just want to stay in my bed curl up and just die . I am trying my hardest to seem normal , to be me again . It is a waste of energy really i cant do it i cant go back there to the place where i just batter on and ignore how i am feeling , pretending everythings ok for other people so as they feel like they can start living again and not be stuck in my shitty world , get back into life . I have realised this illness changes people , confines them to living in my nightmare stuck in a place they dont want to be or deserve to be !.
Just want to feel something , anything not just the small bits like when my brain fires and i get taken over by one emotion , i dont feel it its just there and then its gone and im numb again . Maybe the new meds will be better and i will start to recover properly and get rid of the darkness or maybe i just accept the fact that my brain is broken and i will just have to find some way of dealing with it , i did before .
Still the dark thoughts are there i cant let them out they need to be driven way down where i dont act on them , my head is such a mess right now im wandering lost again cant find what im looking for because i dont know what im looking for , me but i dont know who i am , how im supposed to be or what im supposed to do or be doing , just so confused . Slipping back to the old ways seems the right thing to do just ignore whats going on and live the rest of my life like this , pretending im ok live with the voices the darkness the numbness . Im just tired low on energy and rapidly losing the will to live !
I will get up and pull any strength i have and muddle my way through another day and then it will be bedtime and then the silence and the darkness will take over again and the fight will start again til im too tired and then i will sleep , the weird dreams that are so real will come and then it will start again , another day . It is an existence not a life i dont feel like im living just marking days off the calendar , ticking the box .