Question my sanity

Hi .

I mentioned a while ago about me still being me and not some fragile wee flower that breaks under the slightest pressure . I am still me , or as good as it gets just now at least .

I am lying awake frustrsted and stressing out with myself , not able to help myself at all it seems , after last Friday i feel like i am just sick and tired of pills that make your face numb , my eyes sting and are heavy , constipated and for the love eh christ wheres the libido gone ! Its non existant due to the meds i take . As if i dont feel bad enough about not being able to be close with Ann , thats taken away as well . What im trying to say is how can i pull myself out of this perpetual nightmare when my self esteem is so below minus? .

I mean its a poor show when your testicles and thighs are numb wouldnt you think , tho only upside is i would probably win a kicked hardest in the balls and survived competition!

This ones about how people make me feel about my illness and suicidal thoughts / actions as i think its lost in translation somewhere , i mean you ask someone how are you and usual response would be yeah , not too bad hows you ? Now if someone says no today i am feeling suicidal and really low and i hate myself for being like this , how do you respond ? Most go stutter stutter oh shit is that the time i need to go keep your chin up will call you ( still waiting on that call ) so i guess what im trying to say is dont ask the question if your not prepared to listen to the answer properly and with your full attention because i still see what goes on , can still read between the lines , talk it out because in reality not many people care enough to really listen and are not prepared to take the time as theyve got important shit to do , and say the phrases i hate which are , get through today im sure tomorrow will be better , chin up and stay in touch , not being funny but im in no fit state to decide to have a fuckin shower never mind remember to call someone ffs .

Im bored my body doesnt know what my brain is doing i dont know and im sure the doctors dont either , its really hard to feel when you dont and i understand a lot more now why people put themselves in harms way , cut themselves or attempt suicide . Its not so much a cry for help as most think its just weirdly nice just feeling something even pain because at least then you feel at least alive !

Dont ask why people hurt themselves or try figure it out for yourself as believe me youve no idea no comprehension and tbh if you did then your either stuck in it or heading for it , just listen hard and long and try understand, that IT gives feelings that day to day you dont get to feel as a normal sane people would , and dont take it for granted that you will always be able to be society normal because depression has no rhyme or reason it just gets in your body and gnaws away from the inside out .

I genuinly believe i have gone mad now and the marbles are out the bag , then i dont really remember the day before as everythings just foggy

Need like a reboot clean slate , start again . Maybe be on meds rest of my life and im ready for that i really am but only if i can get some life even just a wee bit normallity back then thats cool with me though to be honest i cant see it .

A wee bit on just now , my brain just randomly fires emotions at me and not like for a day just like wee flashes , examples :- walking into kitchen and for no reason i feel ragin angry and punch the wall , then carry on then cry for no reason , feel elation then crashing back to dark depths instantly !! . This may be the reason i see no point that i may never be me again ? So what do you do ( what would you do i wonder ) in reality as i have learned i have no real control over what i do to an extent at the mercy of my misfiring broken brain . No one ever asks how the pills affect me or anyone suffering they just say keep taking the meds itll balance you out with not a thought to the dry mouth , metallic taste , sweating , numbness , tingling in arms and fingers and weak as a kitten , no stamina or energy im guessing the pills are retarding my bodies supply of adrenalin ?

I am confused again i just need someone to tell me, help me understand why its as random as fuck .

Wee tip before i go and this may help . People that are mentally ill are not so fragile as you may think and maybe just want to feel normal or as much as possible so talk to me not at me as you have no idea what goes on behind my tired eyes !!

I was thinking i will do my diaries as i wrote them read out on you tube but i will see as they are may be pretty disturbing to anyone not been or is where i am .

Lastly i made a promise i would be here at Christmas , im hoping so but i dont really know ! All i know is im trying like a mofo and working hard as i can not to be another statistic .

Thanks

Published by sinook01

Hi i am a 49 year old plumber who ran his own business for years happily married for 27 years and one 22 year old son recently had a breakdown ended up in hospital dignosed with a severe depression this blog is my journey day to day

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