Friday My Day !!
This started on Tuesday i decided i was going to the bridge on Thursday , list written of who gets what ,* no note just away and gone . Woke up on Thursday morning so tired i could hardly move my arms and legs , so stayed in bed with the urge the overpowering urge to go to kill myself , it takes over me completely , compelling me to go .
I cant describe the feeling its like something takes over me , overwhelms me compells me to go and i have no say in the matter , autopilot if that makes any sense ? Like im moving but im not am not in control of what i am doing , Friday the blackest day i have had so far , i had now decided that enough was enough and that was my day to go to the bridge , thursday hadnt happened so this was it my day , my time .
I went to see my wee sister and looked for my son to say hello to say goodbye , then Shadow ( my husky ) in hindsight i never even said goodbye to Ann that morning when i left , couldnt really or she would have stopped me i suppose . Think thats why we just go , with no goodbye no sorry , see you in another life . I conned Ann into giving me my car keys jumped in the car , started the car , text i love you to Ann and went .
Next thing i remember is the ambulance next to me , seemingly i had stopped on the bypass and they pulled up alongside me and a paramedic jumped in my car taking me to a layby , by this time the police had been called and were at my house and in cars out looking for me .
Paramedics decided i had to go to hospital and thats where i ended up , waiting for the doctor was easy enough but waiting for Ann was torture i was so confused upset and embarassed that i had done this to her , put her through this ! Put her in the position where she assumed i had committerd suicide at the bridge as was my plan , i still cant remember being in the car only getting in starting it and then nothing til the paramedic got in the car ! I felt absolutely powerless to alter my actions , i was being compelled to go and end my shitty existance , because it is not a life it literally is a shitty shitty existance , just trudging through every day , if its even a day ?
At the hospital i had to tell the doctor i been stashing pills and had taken them , again so embarrasing and humiliating i felt so ashamed , a total failure for trying to kill myself and for not doing it . She was very kind about it and asked if i wanted Ann to come in , no i said as i couldnt face it , not looking into my wife my best pals eyes seeing the hurt , pain , worry , the heartache and the thought of why , why did you do that ,why would you do that to me to Owen , to your family , the anger and i suppose the relief . I have too many emotions flying around cant make sense of them its too overwhelming , so cant even imagine what Ann is going through as shes living it im not as im just disconnected really .
Waiting to see the on call psychiatrist and Ann tells me she does not want me back in the house as she cant look after me and keep me safe , set off a huge panic attack , she doesnt want me she cant stand me for doing this to her , is this what i had done pushed her so far that she has had enough of me and not want me around . If Ann doesnt want me then there is no point , i have broken her , taken her to the edge of being able to cope , shes had enough and i felt a pain like i have never felt before , despair , fear gripped me squeezing the air from me crushing sick feeling . I am an absolute waste of space how could i have done this to my wife my best friend ! Thinking what the fuck have i done ?.
Ann was very angry , upset , terrified i would think though i dont know and cant ( dont want to ) know how it felt for her in that 3 or 4 hours until she seen me , it must have seemed like a lifetime of toture for her !!
I always thought that when you commit suicide that you decide to carry it out , that you are aware of what you are doing ? I was not aware of what i was doing , it was’nt me it was something i had no control over , my brain had executed the plan had taken over and i was just there to drive it to my death .
Its funny how you go through life thinking your in control , you make decisions left or right , happy or unhappy , lasagne or pizza or steak , whatever it may be , but ive got news for you .. You DONT !! . You cant control it because it controls YOU .. You only falsely believe that you do , no one knows what your brain will tell you to do and no one knows what it will not tell you and keep to itself until the time is right . It is massively powerful and when it decides you going sonewhere believe me you are 100 per cent going , a pink muscle up top that that decides , not you ! . I was calm , content , i wasnt scared because my brain said go so i did with no question . I guess so that i went and carried out suicide with no questions asked , no guilt , no thought for anyone else , not selfish because i have no control i dont decide therefore you cant feel guilty so cant stop yourself . If your brains misfiring like mine it gets all fucked up extremely destructive and angry , confusion is most prevelant , self loathing and the killer …. guilt !!.
Doc said i would be better off at home as i would just escape the hospital my meds would be the same and recovery time would be the same , and only if he thought i couldnt be safe at home then i would be hospitalised . Ann eventually relented and i got to go home but that causes the guilt , the shame as i have to now go home face my family my own son . Look them in the eyes and apologise , though its not really an apology for going to commit suicide its an apology for causing them pain and worry . Up all night trying to make sense out of it all , going over it in my head replaying over and over . Still makes no sense . Ann is still very angry and hurt which i get tbh , i can feel an argument brewing and bang Sunday morning it kicked off , i lost the plot and was trying to escape again this time through the conservatory , brain is starting to take over and put the plan into motion again . Need to go , need to escape get peace , kill yourself you useless waste of space , no one wants you , no one needs you the angry voice is saying .
Ann stopped me phoned my brother in law Dave and he came round and took me for a walk to clear my head , thanks for that Dave you probably saved my life . Got back and had a chat with them inc Ann and mum and got straightened out , dont get me wrong i still want to go , still want to die . Im sure reading this you think its selfish a cowards way out , its not because its not me not my decision ( something for you to think about ) the self destruct button gets pressed and thats it , deals done .
Angry voice is now raging , how dare you stop my plan you coward , making me very jumpy and irritable still wanting to die but am on lockdown to keep me safe . Feel numb again annoyed with myself in the moments of clarity i have . That i cant stop it i cant get a grip of myself feckin useless waste of space that i feel like .
Anyway i am still here and the hardest thing i have had to do except tell my mum that Jimmy had passed away was apologise to my son , he said it was ok but i know he was just saying that , i know he wanted to scream at me , punch me for putting his mum and him through that fear . I certainly dont blame him ! . His dads a failure , what a thing for a son to be shown ! A pain that cant be described and sorry doesnt even come close . He is a very strong young man of which i am so proud ! That he takes it all in his stride and just mops up the mess i leave behind and for that i will be eternally grateful however this pans out .
I am still disgusted with myself , i still want to die but hopefully every day Ann , Owen , Mum , Christine , Jo , Dave and Matt and all my friends keep me safe is a step towards staying alive and for that i thank them all from the bottom of my heart 💚💚
Its a long one today sorry , its been a fuckin long week !!! .
Thanks especially to Ann , you are my rock 😘