Fell like ive had the S##t kicked out of me

Today…..

Ive been feeling awful the last few days ive stayed in my bed all day today as i dont trust myself downstairs and to be honest im too tired to move anyway , which is a blessing as i have that overwhelming urge to kill myself , black treacle thick and sticky and i feel like im stuck , not able to move at all , slowly sinking up to my neck in thick black sticky garbage !. My stomach is flipping and ive got that horrible sinking feeling again that comes with the strong urges , my head is spinning feels like im self destructing in front of myself .

I want to go but i cant make myself , something stopping me but i dont know what ?. I can feel myself running out of fight and i do feel like if something doesnt change and soon the next time im in this black treacle place im trying to slog through i wont have any fight left i am now on the red playing fuel roulette .

I keep steady then wake up or just get this overpowering urge to commit suicide , it seems a nicer word than kill myself i think . Suicide sounds like an option like youve got a choice where kill yourself sounds more sinister , final . The world would be rid of one more waste of space , one more drain , one more thorn in the side , it seems the harder i try the worse it gets !. So what IS the fucking point !!

Chat is just that chat , no one seems to know how to talk to me like theyre afraid to upset me , i mean i suppose i wouldnt like to be the one that seemingly tipped me over the edge wouldnt want that on my conscience . Its just me still Richy just a more fucked up version , im not an invalid i still need to feel like im cared for and loved just the same as before just a bit more fragile in the head . Feel like everyones just moved on , last years news which is fine but im stuck in the same place , stuck in this feckin nightmare unable to enjoy chats , enjoy peoples company just move on to tomorrows nightmare even ! Groundhog day thats what it is go to sleep wake up same shit , go to sleep wake up same shit just over and over ! Im sick and tired of it so why wouldnt they be ? Fecked if i know , i dont know anything any more just this constant torment , a hell on earth .

At this point i dont know anything apart from i want it to STOP please just STOP before its too late for me .

Thanks

Published by sinook01

Hi i am a 49 year old plumber who ran his own business for years happily married for 27 years and one 22 year old son recently had a breakdown ended up in hospital dignosed with a severe depression this blog is my journey day to day

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