Been a wee while since i’ve written so i thought i would jot down whats been happening ..
Today was a big day for me i eventually albeit kind of sedated and the shop was empty and Ann was with me managed to get my hair cut after nearly four months ! Now you would normally be like , and you got your hair cut that seems such a simple thing to do you would say and i would agree ! Though a seemingly every day meaningless task , my depression is such that even a simple haircut was until today out of the question , i mean not good having a panic attack and scratching and twisting when someone has very sharp scissors in there hands !! Didnt enjoy the experience but managed .
Also went to see my gorgeous wee monster niece for her birthday , man it was good to see her and her wee sis as well , just chattin about LOL dolls and Llamas and jammies and any other nonsense you chat about with little nieces , all the fam were there and i felt totally overwhelmed so unfortunately just cut my visit a wee bit shorter , not bothered really as did get to see them ( its been a while ) its amazing how much you can miss in the what seems like a blink of your eye . Now they are growing up and ive missed too much , not just the last 4 months but for too long now . It was easy bletherin to the girls they dont care , they dont judge , they have no real emotional attachment to you so its easier certainly for me at the minute .
Anyway its been a bit 2 steps forward 2 steps back at the moment with taking the extra anti psychotic tablets , they make you feel weird , not stoned but like brain numb like im sleeping but im awake its very weird but they are for parts of the day making the voices a bit quieter and am finding about an hour after i take them it gets noisy again , i have some moments of what i call clarity when for a brief time i can think like a , well sane person , ordinary thoughts i certainly took for granted ! Not that im insane the doc says i just feel like ive lost my marbles .
So the doc says may have to tweek the anti psychotics it usually takes a week to know if the dose and type are working and thats the thing with meds you come off them slowly and new meds slowly take effect , in between times its not somewhere you want to be . Hearing voices smelling smells and even what i believed to be very real my grandad and gran in my room holding a baby chatting as if they were still alive ( was nice to chat though ) my grandad said the future a few times and i swear he patted the top of my head and said to stay strong for owen and the future . Andy thinks it was somewhere between me sleeping and not sleeping like a middle place where shit seems real , im no so sure as it was pretty damn real to me and it lasted for a while and a peck on the cheek from gran and that smell of gingham perfume and old spice mixed with hair cream had gone .
The weirdest thing happened the next morning and this brings me back to my bit of clarity , i still think about and can see in my head my suicide and had written and dont remember writing it , a bit like the chocolate and cereal i dont remember getting or eating while in my bed ! Had written in my diary . Today someone wins ?? I had decided the day before that i was going to get it over with get some peace , went out of the house jumped in the car flat battery and it would not start , its never missed a beat before and its fine now . Bugger , which brings me to clarity sorry i will get there .
Thinking today would be a good day as i was getting my hair cut and was going to make my escape then Ann said she was getting her haircut and i could take her , so when we were driving back i realised that on many occasions i had decided it was my time to go Ann always has somewhere for me to take her and then i put it off , basically stopping me from going and i know your probably thinking like Andy said if you were going to go you would find a way but i dont have the energy to alter my plans so leave it for another opportunity to get out on my own . That was my clarity today and without realising it , just because she cares and has stuck by my side through this she has saved my life more times than me or Ann realise .
Call it luck or whatever you want but without that plan changing last minute i would i am certain be gone for good .
Suicidal thoughts still pretty much consume me and the voices are nasty and full of hatred and jibes towards me but with a bit luck , hard work an amazing mental health team , my wife my son my family and friends i will stay safe and get to the other end and peace and quiet .
Thanks again and thanks to my lil cuz for her texts everyday your awesome ❤❤
And my maw sisters and brother for being understanding and patient with me , but mostly my missus my rock my best pal !! and my son who has been thrown in at the deep end to keep us going pretty much . He has stepped right up grew a pair and i am as always in awe of him , such a young man with all that weight on his shoulders ! youve taken the baton and sprinted with it and for that i will be forever grateful and extremely proud son .
Thanks and hopefully speak at you soon .