Hi its been a hard week so far , Monday with Andy was for reasons i dont know , very tough. I felt as if i had done something wrong , wasnt as far along as i should be and was getting a telling off ! Which i know is nonsense as Andy is so kind , supportive and helpful its not real . Paranoia possibly ? I really dont know , its cool now though i know i was just being over sensitive .
Got really angry the other day and punched the wall which was very distressing for me as it pretty much exploded out of nowhere , like not a clue where it came from , and thats one of the things with my depression i feel disconnected , floating around myself detached , then it seems suddenly they collide smashing me into pieces again feeling like a jigsaw you just cant seem to figure out how to do , i know i talk a lot about the guilt i feel and i think thats what takes me deeper and darker driving the voices and spurring them on , do it go on you shitebag youve not got the balls one voice goads almost daring me to do it and then the angry voice shouting and screaming getting louder and louder and now i cant even hear my own voice anymore , this goes on most every hour of everyday and although i sleep sometimes 6 or 8 hours most nights yet i am absolutely exhausted! Because thats what it does it wears you down tires you out making you weak , leaving you with no energy to argue anymore so no option but to just let it win . It is a vicious circle to be stuck in and the only escape is suicide . So you maybe then can understand how it would cause you to do something that every piece of you and your programming should be telling you NO ! . We have to survive not snuff ourselves out , in a way im kind of glad i am numb because its a frightening place to be and i am only feeling a small piece of the fear of suicide , not of dying though i dont fear that , i would not like to be getting the full version in my head as that would literally be a hell i could not describe and am pretty certain would end up with my death or back in hospital .
Funny thing the other day i was asked if i genuinly want to die or if it was just a reaction to my depression you know your mind playing tricks ?
Tough question really , imagine yourself in that situation your brain and body arguing with each other almost fighting for the prize of your demise or your sanity ! I dont at most times want to die i mean even writing that word down doesnt make sense to me but at the same time it does ?
If i was religious it would best be described as hell , a constant battle with good and evil . Question is who will win ?
I seen the doctor on Wednesday to review meds as i said before , kept on same meds and added an anti psychotic to try keep the voices away and hopefully get me back in touch with reality , i genuinly feel as though im going mad . Though in my reality its just a wee bit less confusing , frightening and dark . So going back a step is just as frightening as being where i am now !
Also some people will say if your suicidal why are you still here you obviously dont really want to die or you would be dead already so its like a cry for help for attention ? If you are reading this and you are feeling suicidal as iam then i can assure you its not a cry for help , its not for attention , it is very real and sometimes terrifying , the thought upsetting as it is of commting it , never mind planning it and dividing up your possesions to give away after your gone !.
I will post some more later from my scribblings
I will thank all for taking time to read this and say that if anyone wants to chat then feel free , its tough the first few times but it does just become part of it , just blurting out feelings .