Voices and thedespair winning

Why do i say no to life? Because for me , living is not worthy. Life is too crappy to merit a fart. Not up to scratch. I feel this way because i am depressed. So depressed, there is no more pleasure in being alive; only persistent, absolute pain. And no advice from the living can help.

Heres is where i have been all today and i genuinly dont have the energy left ! I feel today almost compelled i cannot muster any mental , or even to a point physical energy to argue with the destructive voices that have consumed all my thinking today . I am numb and fearless , i am guilty , iam tired so fucking tired . They all tell me im not alone but i can assure you i am as lonely as one person can be , disconnected from life just existing in a heightened state of pain and anguish . Fighting demons no one can see only i can hear , and hppe they never do . Not sure what sense this makes as i dont !! and have given up trying ! Now the debate auicide is selfish ? Not for me as i have no reason to carry on cant make my brain give back the strentgh i nees to pull me out of this shit im wading around legs tired arms hurt heads banging . Hopelessness all consuming , i think about not much else , just small chinks of light , of hope that slowly get eaten up by the darkness . I love my friends and family dearly this they have to know and hang on to that keep it close , tight to them like a big warm cuddle from me .

I feel like i am going mad i really do as i have little or nothing left to fight back with .

I am struggling more than i have before , suicide is more of a reality than an exit it wont shut up and reason and rationality have left me .

I am again not afraid of death no feelings of fear of it , just numb .

Numb lonely , isolated and so very tired , Andy tomorrow so hopefully goes well .

Thanks

Published by sinook01

Hi i am a 49 year old plumber who ran his own business for years happily married for 27 years and one 22 year old son recently had a breakdown ended up in hospital dignosed with a severe depression this blog is my journey day to day

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