Its been tough the last week or so more downs than ups , cant sleep at night hate the dark and quiet . Its noisier in my head at night and that brings me to where i am tonight ! .Its been a really tough couple days , i say theres a lot of noise in my head and today for the first time i told someone , its not noise its voices i hear ! . Not like you would think like One Flew Over the Cuckoos Nest or like i imagined before i was ill , its hard to explain its doesnt sound like my voice its vicious , cruel and almost relentless . Anyway i told Ann and she was as always comforting but unfortunately it caused me to break into pieces again , its just so embarrasing admitting that to someone openly !
Feels like im losing grip on reality actually going insane , am i ?
I dont know , i cant always tell whats real and whats not . Today was probably the first time i actually hated me i didnt like who i was but starting to grow to be hating myself .
Good things this week apart from all the kindness and support i have received from everyone , couple things and this is true as i have experinced it a lot over the last week or so is that you find out who your friends are when your proper in the shit , i had a vist out of the blue from a very good friend of mine Andy . He really is just a nice guy he had came to make sure i was ok even though we havent seen each other for a while , so i guess for anyone reading this feeling like shit folk never fail to surprise you and you never know whose just gonna pop in make sure your ok .
I will finish this up with really why i started writing tonight , i was lying with my head on Anns chest and i could hear her heart starting to beat a bit slower as she fell asleep , and it made me smile shes resting.
Sleeping getting the peace that she so deserves , she puts so much time and energy in it ! It was something i hadnt noticed before and it was well , just nice .