These are all excerpts from my diary from weeks ago and more recent , things i scribble down when i am feeling overwhwhelmed or having a particularly bad day , its all part of my journey through depression .
Friday .. Tired today went too far last night in the car on my own , dry mouth i was panicking . Not a nice journey my arms and face were tingling going numb and my head hurts . Because its not just the self loathing , the guilt , feelings of being uselessness, the dark thoughts . It is also the panic the paranoia , people are looking , judging you laughing at you just blind panic .
Yesterday was not a good day i struggled all day felt really low and worthless and useless , made a cake and done some photo frames with Ann and was quite happy with that . But numb still not feeling much which is weird because you feel these horrible things yet i dont feel any real emotion just numb but overwhelmed at the same time , like standing in a room full of people but your totally alone ! I see me but its not me .
Then a rush of that black dark feeling comes on and crash back to being stuck in my bad headspace , head noisy too much going on not much energy to do anything about it .
Bad time in Tesco panicked tried my exercises its just getting worse and worse gotta leave get out the noise is unbearable in my head .
Ann looked and sounded quite pissed off yesterday , cant blame her at all really its a lot of shit to put up with !
Slipping back into the darkness again i can feel it ! Thinking more and more that i am in the way a nuisance a burden , the voices in the darkness get louder and louder until thats all i can hear , why is the voice getting louder ?
I was thinking suicide or run away just disappear away from here start new somewhere else, somewhere no one knows me somewhere quiet .
So tired arguing with myself dont sleep tired sleep tired it makes no difference at all it seems .
Here is where i am !!