From then til now how it started

I guess there were signs i was becoming unwell mentally when i look back now , i was constantly tired couldnt concentrate at work , memory was getting worse and then eventually SNAP went my brain and i had a breakdown in front of my wife and son and ended up in the hospital diagnosed with severe depression.

Now i have no recollection of the six weeks following the breakdown only that my wife and son had to hide keys to the doors my car my wallet in a bid to stop me carrying out my goal my suicide , it was all i thought about it consumed me , a voice in my head just constantly telling me your useless worthless , a failure !!

I have made a plan of my suicide and i have written several notes , i have started to make the journey and stopped i cant say why as i dont know. I take multiple anti depresants and diazapam just to get me through the days , though the nights are worse there is a darkness that lurks in me like me but not me and it takes me to places no person should go !! I dont feel scared i feel as if i die im free i get peace , peace from the noise in my head , and all around me people would be better off without me .

Maybe someone will recognise the early signs of depression and get help before it takes over and maybe your where i am right now either way i am and have been both .

Ok so here goes this is as raw as it gets for me from the first day until now , i have overpowering feelings of guilt , failure , confusion , exhaustion , mouths dry face and hands go numb i know its coming i try to talk over the voice in my head but it always shouts louder , pulling me into the dark dark place . I am too tired to fight anymore it just takes too much effort . Effort i just dont have , but cant give in not just yet the forth road bridge plan is being put in place , my plan of how i am ending it .

This is almost every day for me like a broken record just skipping back to the same place over and over , most days struggle to get out of bed have a shower get dressed even . luckily for me i have an absolute rock of a wife that has had to put up with so much , the constant worry of me committing suicide . My son seeing his dad almost destroyed by depression and aware his dad is suicidal , thats tough to take making your own son feel like that , my family my friends .

So today this is where i am , a place only i can understand yet not make sense of . And it is a place , not a nice place a horrid panic stricken confusing black dark place . An easy place to end up it would seem , i thought i was strong im not i thought i was ok i am not .

Guilt is the worst , i see the pain in there eyes i see the hurt it causes adding to my agony , guilt crushing you like a huge stone and struggling to breathe , not in my head i can feel it actually physically . You try so hard to smile to be happy pretend your ok , its an act and one i have became good at , like a defence mechanism , cant show weakness thats not on is it , but it is as they say ok to not be ok , its just exhausting to the point where i feel physical pain , legs and arms heavy and sore , eyelids heavy . sick in the pit of my stomach .

I dont know who i am or where im going or even who i will be if i come through the other side , maybe the darkness will win eventually grind away at me until the tanks empty . Then peace maybe …

I will try post every day , feel free to ask questions chat or just ramble on its not therapy its maybe just helpful for someone .

Thanks

Published by sinook01

Hi i am a 49 year old plumber who ran his own business for years happily married for 27 years and one 22 year old son recently had a breakdown ended up in hospital dignosed with a severe depression this blog is my journey day to day

2 thoughts on “From then til now how it started

  1. Oh how I feel your pain been suffering since 1993, yeah that long. I took an overdose, unfortunately it didn’t work, I still remember waking up and thinking shit I’m still here. If I can give you one bit of advice, keep talking and never think the people you talk to are fed up hearing what you have to say no matter how repetitive it may seem to you. Your true supporters would rather hear your words a thousand times than never hear your voice again. You can survive this, I’d like to say I’m fine now but unfortunately I dont think anyone truly gets rid of depression. It’s more like a cold, you never know when you’ll get one or how bad it will be but you will get better, till the next time. My thoughts are with you and your family. xx

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