Be yourself; Everyone else is already taken.— Oscar Wilde.
This is the first post on my new blog. I’m just getting this new blog going, so stay tuned for more. Subscribe below to get notified when I post new updates.
Be yourself; Everyone else is already taken.— Oscar Wilde.
This is the first post on my new blog. I’m just getting this new blog going, so stay tuned for more. Subscribe below to get notified when I post new updates.
It’s been two years since my breakdown and am I where I thought I would be ? Or the psychiatrist or therapist. I can sense frustration from them , feel like they want me to try harder like I’m just coasting and every days not a struggle . Smiling , doing odd jobs , pushing myself getting up early and sometimes on my knees getting out of bed it’s that much of a struggle ! I feel just now like someone has a vacuum cleaner and it’s sucking al my energy and happiness while filling me up with sadness because I am sad really sad ! Not sad in the way you normally get but just sinking sadness , sick churning in my stomach sadness. I bumble along doing jobs , washing dishes , painting , smiling , being normal ( is that even a thing ? ) and every time I stop , sinking again so I do something else and stop and then same again! The problem is I don’t have the energy or the strength to keep it up but can’t not and let people down . I want desperately to not feel like this , to sit in peace without all the dark and sadness . Now I can’t even face telling anyone how I feel when they ask me how I am as I feel like I need to say I am good thanks , it has been such a long broken bumpy road to get here today and all I feel is that the fog has lifted and I am terrified of these feelings . The darkness sits on my shoulder still just waiting , waiting for that small opportunity to push any light away and cover me in blackness dragging me back there , back to that fucking awful place !!
I still see him at night mostly and sometimes in the day , just stands there arms folded staring , sometimes laughing , sometimes shouting ! I have told my support team but it was dismissed just like telling them I feel like I don’t belong here I don’t deserve to be here and even while I’m writing this I am sinking , it’s horrible I hate it , why is he still here , why can I see him like he is a person ? I can walk past him he doesn’t disappear he just stands there only sometimes stands over me when I’m in my bed , scaring me , keeping me awake ! Two years on and I’m still on the edge still ragged and scared , sick and black . It’s funny how different people treat you when you show a sign of being better of trying to look as normal as they think you should , I don’t want people to treat me different I just want them to understand that while I can function now it’s auto pilot with all the darkness dragging behind me .
So two years in and where am I , what’s changed ? I can function now and it’s all a bit clearer just like someone turned on a light but is flicking it on and off still . Suicide is an option still but running away is a stronger feeling , I think about how it would be with no me and mostly it’s just the same I have no impact , no difference made . I am getting better , stronger , I’m just not ready for the real world because i need to escape the one I’m trapped in first !
It’s a longer journey than was advertised but I’m still here I suppose , trying kicking and screaming to escape !
Know what I hate ?
I hate how this illness spreads out and touches everyone around you with the same bony black finger that’s always poking at me . Hate it ! Makes me feel sick .
I am in a very weird place just now I feel like I have split in two ! On one hand I am starting to …. not feel better , but function again and this is the problem !.
I have days now when I feel like a brand new day has dawned on me , I wake up feel like running a marathon and then later on , boom crashing through the floor and wanting to go back to my bed turn off the lights and hide again and then back down the dark hole for a few days , 2 or 3 or 5 days it suits itself ! So now I have the problem where I am struggling to decide whether I keep plugging away or just cave again because when I know if I feel good that it will end with a crash , what’s the point ? It just seems like another mountain to climb and I don’t know if I have the energy to do that , being as I am running on empty !
I feel like a baby that has to learn , things are hot and burn you , sharp they cut you , doing two things at once is confusing and stressful. I do feel like I am trying to do something for the first time but should know how to do it and somewhere I know I have but where it is I don’t know . Andy says this is all part of becoming the new me the different Richy ! So do I want to learn again or do I just keep taking the meds and pretending all is good or at least better ? It is and I am terrified of where I am just now I can still quite easily end it all but know that’s not a solution but don’t know at the same time , it’s like I can feel and see all I have been through like a shadow always at my shoulder telling me to go back , to go with them ( the voices ) back down into that black hole . I have for weeks now had a visitor in my bedroom standing in the corner , it is the dark man with no face . He watches , he shouts at me like he’s goading me , daring me and telling me his place is better than mine . He has started coming towards my bed then whoosh back in the corner , I have to pass him to get out the door and he just stands there and throws an insult in as I pass , though a few times he has told me he would be able to kill me if he wanted to because I am too weak too scared to do it myself , where did he come from and why is he there ? I can’t really cope with him because I am feeling a bit better a bit lighter . That’s the point I am trying to make I suppose ? . It is certainly easier where I know what’s coming , what to expect of the darkness or is it more terrifying than the thought of being ‘ normal ’ of functioning like everyone else does ? Is there a normal was I normal before? I’m fucked if I know anymore . Most days I still have to drag myself out of bed sometimes on my hands and knees crawling and then … hello world here I am ! Wondering when it will not if it will all go horribly wrong . I have little or no self confidence , I can’t really function on my own it’s like I need someone to show me what to do or that I can do it , I tell you it’s not because I don’t want to or do I want to be shown and helped ? I don’t know !!
It’s all part of the recovery and I am feeling like sometimes I can get back in the world as you know it , but I can tell you all with no uncertainty that it is and I am absolutely terrified of the prospect of functioning again !!
If this is a bit confusing and all over the place I apologise , that’s how it makes me feel all day long .
I have been thinking a lot lately that I am damaged now ! Damaged by the illness , does it do that ? Does it damage your brain permanently ? It’s strange as you live each day to stay alive , stay on top but one thing comes along and your straight back into that place that only you know , only you go as I think each person has there own nightmares and demons to fight !!
More of a thought than an update if you like , I am pretty sure I am now damaged and won’t ever function as , not a normal person but my used to be normal . If that’s even a thing , confidence is rock bottom and it seems just another part that needs addressed before I can move on to the next what seems like Everest !!
So it would be good for me to find out if it’s a personal thing to feel like it has damaged you and you feel like that bit is missing / unfixable or if it is my own personal demon .
The nearest grocery store from my home is a 25-minute walk away. That small local store carried a sale on eggs at one dollar for ten. I walked there with my partner to get them. Since my town is so small and rural, there are usually almost no pedestrians on the streets. Except that cars are passing by sparsely, I hardly see anybody. But on our way back home from the grocery store, I saw a woman standing by a field and watching wild flowers. It was rare to see someone on the street. As I was getting closer, I perceived her looking at me with her face filled with a big smile that was totally familiar to me. I knew her.
She used to be a resident in the apartment building where I live. We often came across and shared some time together at the communal spa in the…
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Friday : Felt really uncomfortable and very panicked the later it got and nearer bed time , it was getting worse, fell asleep 6:45 got lost in the hall I was confused and got in a panic really trying to keep myself together for Ann so she can get a bit peace , don’t want to let her down again and fail her .
Saturday : Slept a bit today after yesterday, I am exhausted, feeling like giving up but really trying to grind this out , went out with Ann to Tesco , went in and there it is , panic , fear , sore chest and it actually makes my eyes go weird ! drained , it’s draining and Ann was her usual solid reliable self and held my arm the whole time , that really helped me keep myself together . Back home and a good night just chilling and watching television , seem to be in a constant panic and feel sick when I think about coming back to the house . Bed and got a few hours sleep .
◦ Monday : Tired today and my legs and arms are heavy , been writing today and reading the stories I wrote for my wee beastie , crying again for no reason or a reason?? I had not been looking forward to staying at Christine’s at all , I was worried and scared . There’s nothing but peace and quiet here and everyone was hoping this would be a turning point because I’m not as anxious ! I realised today that it makes no difference whether there’s noise , chaos , or peace and quiet , the black dog still chews at my heels and the black fog follows me wherever I go , I did have a hope that space would help me get my head together a bit . Andy said it might be good and Dr Sharma was convinced it would . In reality it has left me feeling more dread and I am truly not giving a fuck now , all I see is black and all I feel is nothing , no future not being able to escape the demons that are weighing heavy on my shoulders ! When I try looking forward I see nothing , it’s empty ! Just try to sleep get up see out the day and try sleep again , I have just given in , it wins . It’s not like you would think oh come on you can keep fighting , keep exercising , get a hobby , go jogging , take your tablets , stay positive . The truth is that it’s not helping it’s not pushing me forward . I feel so hopeless and I just see hopelessness , just nothing ! Even feeling happiness or love if I’m having a good day its not a feeling it’s more like an automatic response and then it just goes ! Nothing after and that is killing me really eating away at me , it’s weird that I don’t feel sorry for myself I just hate myself for it . I wonder if others suffering have or do feel the same ? It’s like your trying to kill the hydra , you cut one head off and another one just takes its place !!! You would eventually get tired and just give up and walk away wouldn’t you , same for me I’m tired of swinging and the sword is too heavy to swing anymore. I thought giving up would feel different , like more … I don’t know how to explain it ? I feel weirdly at peace and that makes no sense as the war is definitely still raging in my head with no truce in sight any time soon ! What to do ? Can I live with it eating away at me , it has taken so much as I’m sure I’ve said before , it’s not giving anything back and I can’t get it back , treading water like this in a state of nothing and no point in anything but I can somewhere feel like it’s wrong to do it ? It’s just really far away and a tiny wee thought , I want to go back to the darkness I feel safer there and I know that’s mad and you wouId ask why ?? It just is , you have way less things to do , and that’s breathe and keep the demons quiet , keep you alive . If I was back in the really dark place , if not for the flash thought that I didn’t want to let Ann , Owen , Teegs , Carter and my family down even more than I have already it would be easier for me to get out , stamp my card and go . I have heard people lots of times saying , oh you’ve got something to live for and get better for now !! What like I didn’t before ? The wee man , and that is true , it’s very true ! He melts my heart and gives me more of a sense of purpose , makes me smile inside and out , which is a weird feeling for me ! Then nothing , it’s temporary sadly . I think I know why it makes me feel like I need to do something , be someone again , why I feel like it’s just me and him and no one else is on the planet . It’s because I have done nothing to hurt or upset the wee man , so there’s no crushing guilt for me to feel like it does with Ann , Owen , Teegs the Family and everyone that I have put through the wringer ! I have a thought that he wouldn’t remember me anyway , I wouId just be photos and stories to him , so that’s a moot point for me and tbh makes the guilt even worse because I know I should be doing better by him , and everyone else and I’m so sorry that I cant , I am confused and I don’t know what to do and no one seems to have any answers , so as the voices tell me , your a waste of space you will never achieve anything , why don’t my you just stop trying !
Notes from my diary .
I still can’t get my head round the fact that it doesn’t matter how many people I am around , I still feel so lonely , like I’m the only person on the planet ! Depression does many things to you , it takes what somewhere far away I know is the truth , twisting it into something hateful and black and evil . I am in a better place than I was a year ago , and sometimes I think that’s worse because I can see a bit clearer it’s not as foggy ! I feel like I’ve came out of a very very dark wood and into a slightly less dark wood . It frightens me to be back in some kind of functioning place having to learn how to be me but different me if that makes any sense ? It seems sometimes it’s easier to live in the darkness , I know what happens there it’s just I’m not sure what happens out here , apart from panic around people and busy places and absolutely no confidence in myself at all . Too many emotions trying to get in at the same time it’s overwhelming me . I can feel myself slipping , feeling like I have broke into pieces again and I have little or no energy left to stand up and keep wading through the treacle . I am tired but not sleepy tired , I’m just tired ! I can still hear the voices , they come and taunt me and have been a lot in the last few weeks . Night terrors are not as bad as they were though I just can’t stop myself being terrified to sleep , when I do and no terrors I think maybe they’ve given up and I can feel better about sleeping , they come back and I am terrified again ! I have found myself and been found lying or sitting or even a couple of times standing upright in random places all over the house during the night ??. I can’t imagine , even though I’m in it that there’s no day no night just one loop , sleeping is terrifying and so is during the day ! How can I win in that situation ? it’s impossible and twisted . I wish sometimes you could have a sneak peek in my brain see what’s going on and then be like ahhh that’s f****d up and frightening ! Feeling like a failure and being in the way , no use to anybody makes you feel even more lonely , and the thought that you don’t really need to be here seems a fair point to me , a lot of the time when I feel that sick sinking feeling I know the darkness is coming I just want to run away and hide in a hole somewhere dark and cold . Another part of this illness is that it makes me just feel like self destructing and being self destructive, that’s the part that makes me want to hurt myself or worse and it’s so hard and tiring stopping myself ! Talking about tiring , a 10 minute conversation and I’m wiped out and feel exhausted , I suppose it will be less tiring with time ? I will keep living hour to hour as can’t look too far ahead as it is just too scary at the minute ! I think I will never be better , just not as bad or accept it and just keep pretending I’m ok and breakdown alone , It has scarred me badly and it still is , my broken brain .
Taken in aggregate, a small bump in the road can easily be understood as something which would prompt somebody to commit suicide. While you might say to somebody who’s lost their job “just get another job” it’s actually much more complicated than that: most people are only one or two unfortunate and mostly unintentional ( let’s call them happenings ) away from major financial difficulties. The whole house of cards can collapse very easily , everybody is leveraged to the max. Therefore everyone is living close to the edge .
An important reason why people commit suicide, that demands further discussion, is the way that life is set up so that retreat is almost impossible. Nobody ever asks for a demotion. Nobody ever asks for a pay cut. Nobody ever wants to pull their kids out of private school to put them into state school. Nobody ever wants to cut off their kids’ allowance, or stop paying into a savings account for their university education. Nobody ever wants to lose their trophy partner, because they can’t afford to keep them in the manner to which they have been accustomed. Nobody wants to downsize or move in with family. It’s all a one-way street.
Of course, you might say that it’s stupid to get worked up about material things. “Of course” everyone would understand about having to sell the fancy car, not go on holiday, leave the fancy school, not buy the nice things, maybe not have the same opportunities. “Of course” so the saying goes “we’ve still got each other” except it doesnt work like that does it ? I could hear me say the same things many times before so I know it’s words you say without a thought , not genuine thoughts .
Because believe you me when the money dries up, everyone fucks off, and then the vultures move in to pick any remaining flesh off the carcass. Everybody loves a good failure it would seem .
Yes, we really do have to acknowledge that we all become highly leveraged such that relatively small problems are life-destroying, and as such, they are life-ending.
We are optimists by nature. We always assume that the stock market is going to keep going up, the housing market is going to keep going up, our salary is going to keep going up , everything must always go up, according to our human proclivity for optimism. It’s not that people are stupid, although of course they are that too, but there’s a fundamental hard-wired kind of specific stupidity I’m talking about the tendency towards optimism , even in the face of overwhelming evidence to the contrary.
If we were beasts of pure reason and logic, we’d kill ourselves as soon as we grasped our situation: a life of pain, depression, anxiety, suffering, hard work and other unpleasantness, met an inevitable death at the end. Why put myself through that?
Our self-preservation instincts have evolved to counteract our higher brain functions, lest our species die out, but still… why bother? It’s completely illogical to live your life hoping for anything: death is inevitable; illness, pain and suffering is almost inevitable. Almost nobody dies “peacefully” in their sleep: decades of slow, painful and uncomfortable dying await us all.
Obviously, we hope to achieve immortality through our genes, passed on to our children. Or rather, our genes hope to be replicated. We are, after all, just a vessel for genes to reproduce themselves, and it would be foolish to try to convince ourselves otherwise.
In the eternally optimistic quest for a “better life” we strive to get a bigger salary, bigger house, more attractive partner, as many kids as we can realistically feed and clothe… then we move onto status symbols, like university degrees, professional qualifications/certification, fancy cars, luxury holidays… still we are not satisfied .
At some point, pretty early on in our life, we become locked into a certain destiny. Pretty much, once you’ve got kids, you are locked-into a certain kind of life: although you might fantasise about selling your house and living in a camper van, you never will, because you are locked in, in so many ways. Even if you’re wealthy and single, you’re never going to sell everything you own and become a homeless nomad. You might have gone off on a gap year, you predictable tedious middle-class wanker, but you know that any more gaps on your CV wouldn’t look good on your otherwise unblemished career track-record.
Those who are unlucky enough to suffer such a misfortune go one of two ways: they’re kicked out of mainstream life, and must accept their plight trapped in the underclass forevermore, or you commit suicide. There’s no other line of retreat; there’s no way back for those who err or suffer a misfortune.
This might seem like a bleak outlook, but you know it’s true. I know it to be true as one small bump can lead to instability and then comes collapse !! Hopefully you never have the misfortune of that particular situation ! All I would say is no one is infallible , no one exempt !!!!
Something to consider ?
When we’re alone our sorrows can bring out our darkest selves , but sharing our hearts lights a better way ……..