Nobody knows the real me …

Nobody knows how many times I’ve sat in my room and cried . How many times I’ve lost hope . How many times I’ve been let down . How many times I have felt like I was going to snap . How many times I’ve had to hold back tears. When I’m sad , the bad thoughts that go through my mind. Sometimes the strongest people are the ones who love beyond all faults , cry behind closed doors and fight battles nobody else knows about . I keep myself together for the ones I love. Only those who have known darkness can truly appreciate the light

Thanks 🙏

Makes you think

You know the quote, “Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem”? As much as this is true, that’s the whole point. Here me out… Even though the problems are only temporary, for many who are contemplating suicide, it does not feel temporary. Especially for individuals who go through multiple events at the same time, back-to-back. For these individuals it appears they can’t get a break from life. This creates frustration and sense of hopelessness. Even though if they keep holding on, and things may turn around, for some people they have had it rough for many years. So even though suicide is a permanent to a temporary problem(s), it is an answer for not feeling so alone, defeated, like a failure, useless, and hopeless. That’s the whole point of choosing to end your life. It’s to stop not only the current pain, but any further pain.

Also, the quote is almost an insult. It kind of belittles the person’s current state by declaring it’s temporary. It minimizes the importance of the persons feelings. Which kind of create judgement upon their situation. This not only causes more pain, but it also oversimplifies the ultimate solutions to underlying problems that are causing the person’s pain. Trust me, I understand what the slogan is trying to do and I appreciate it. However, coming from the other end and reading it is kind of like, “Well… duh! That’s the whole point!” But that can be me and I am overthinking it.



I just need you there so that the loneliness and the sadness and the despair doesn’t drown me. I just need some help treading water for a little longer. But I can’t tell you this. I can’t tell you because I am scared to admit it to myself yet.

We need a different scale of ambition when struggling with our mental health. What we can usually do or achieve goes out of the window. Instead we have to start small, really small. Look up at a tree. Go to the park. Water a plant.

When people ask me ‘what makes you anxious? How are you feeling?’ I often find myself responding with ‘I don’t know’. That’s what’s hard to come to terms with about anxiety – I don’t know what it is, what triggers it why I’m feeling the way I do on a daily basis. I just know it’s there.

Things I am learning still , the hardest part is constantly having to remind yourself ! That’s tiring on it’s own !!!

Thanks Richy

Terrors ………. Most common one is I am pinned down and can’t move while another figure is going to stab Ann and Owen .Giant spiders all over the room , being shot and being stuck on a hospital bed next to Owen then the figures start cutting owen . Lions in the room . In my room and I know or I think I know that I am in danger I don’t know what the danger is ? it’s just a feeling a terrifying feeling that I can’t describe , faceless black figures dragging me down the street and I end up somewhere random ! I see vividly and wonder why no one can see what I see ? The more night terrors I have the more tired I am and vice versa the more terrifying one was , the longer I lie awake for nights terrified to go to sleep , the more exhausted I get !Talking to people is really making me feel weak and exhausted . Sleep walking and waking up in random places sometimes crying , sometimes just really confused and sometimes I am back in bed and can remember being somewhere just not sure where ? The other night I was being attacked and I found myself running and then rummaging through the cutlery drawer looking for a knife two nights in a row . Just writing this down makes me feel , I’m not sure . Fear , terror it’s a horrible sick feeling and it’s always there because I always have to go to bed !!

Thanks Me

2 years on


It’s been two years since my breakdown and am I where I thought I would be ? Or the psychiatrist or therapist. I can sense frustration from them , feel like they want me to try harder like I’m just coasting and every days not a struggle . Smiling , doing odd jobs , pushing myself getting up early and sometimes on my knees getting out of bed it’s that much of a struggle ! I feel just now like someone has a vacuum cleaner and it’s sucking al my energy and happiness while filling me up with sadness because I am sad really sad ! Not sad in the way you normally get but just sinking sadness , sick churning in my stomach sadness. I bumble along doing jobs , washing dishes , painting , smiling , being normal ( is that even a thing ? ) and every time I stop , sinking again so I do something else and stop and then same again! The problem is I don’t have the energy or the strength to keep it up but can’t not and let people down . I want desperately to not feel like this , to sit in peace without all the dark and sadness . Now I can’t even face telling anyone how I feel when they ask me how I am as I feel like I need to say I am good thanks , it has been such a long broken bumpy road to get here today and all I feel is that the fog has lifted and I am terrified of these feelings . The darkness sits on my shoulder still just waiting , waiting for that small opportunity to push any light away and cover me in blackness dragging me back there , back to that fucking awful place !!

I still see him at night mostly and sometimes in the day , just stands there arms folded staring , sometimes laughing , sometimes shouting ! I have told my support team but it was dismissed just like telling them I feel like I don’t belong here I don’t deserve to be here and even while I’m writing this I am sinking , it’s horrible I hate it , why is he still here , why can I see him like he is a person ? I can walk past him he doesn’t disappear he just stands there only sometimes stands over me when I’m in my bed , scaring me , keeping me awake ! Two years on and I’m still on the edge still ragged and scared , sick and black . It’s funny how different people treat you when you show a sign of being better of trying to look as normal as they think you should , I don’t want people to treat me different I just want them to understand that while I can function now it’s auto pilot with all the darkness dragging behind me .

So two years in and where am I , what’s changed ? I can function now and it’s all a bit clearer just like someone turned on a light but is flicking it on and off still . Suicide is an option still but running away is a stronger feeling , I think about how it would be with no me and mostly it’s just the same I have no impact , no difference made . I am getting better , stronger , I’m just not ready for the real world because i need to escape the one I’m trapped in first !

It’s a longer journey than was advertised but I’m still here I suppose , trying kicking and screaming to escape !

Thanks Me

Is feeling better, better ?

Hi .

I am in a very weird place just now I feel like I have split in two ! On one hand I am starting to …. not feel better , but function again and this is the problem !.

I have days now when I feel like a brand new day has dawned on me , I wake up feel like running a marathon and then later on , boom crashing through the floor and wanting to go back to my bed turn off the lights and hide again and then back down the dark hole for a few days , 2 or 3 or 5 days it suits itself ! So now I have the problem where I am struggling to decide whether I keep plugging away or just cave again because when I know if I feel good that it will end with a crash , what’s the point ? It just seems like another mountain to climb and I don’t know if I have the energy to do that , being as I am running on empty !

I feel like a baby that has to learn , things are hot and burn you , sharp they cut you , doing two things at once is confusing and stressful. I do feel like I am trying to do something for the first time but should know how to do it and somewhere I know I have but where it is I don’t know . Andy says this is all part of becoming the new me the different Richy ! So do I want to learn again or do I just keep taking the meds and pretending all is good or at least better ? It is and I am terrified of where I am just now I can still quite easily end it all but know that’s not a solution but don’t know at the same time , it’s like I can feel and see all I have been through like a shadow always at my shoulder telling me to go back , to go with them ( the voices ) back down into that black hole . I have for weeks now had a visitor in my bedroom standing in the corner , it is the dark man with no face . He watches , he shouts at me like he’s goading me , daring me and telling me his place is better than mine . He has started coming towards my bed then whoosh back in the corner , I have to pass him to get out the door and he just stands there and throws an insult in as I pass , though a few times he has told me he would be able to kill me if he wanted to because I am too weak too scared to do it myself , where did he come from and why is he there ? I can’t really cope with him because I am feeling a bit better a bit lighter . That’s the point I am trying to make I suppose ? . It is certainly easier where I know what’s coming , what to expect of the darkness or is it more terrifying than the thought of being ‘ normal ’ of functioning like everyone else does ? Is there a normal was I normal before? I’m fucked if I know anymore . Most days I still have to drag myself out of bed sometimes on my hands and knees crawling and then … hello world here I am ! Wondering when it will not if it will all go horribly wrong . I have little or no self confidence , I can’t really function on my own it’s like I need someone to show me what to do or that I can do it , I tell you it’s not because I don’t want to or do I want to be shown and helped ? I don’t know !!

It’s all part of the recovery and I am feeling like sometimes I can get back in the world as you know it , but I can tell you all with no uncertainty that it is and I am absolutely terrified of the prospect of functioning again !!

If this is a bit confusing and all over the place I apologise , that’s how it makes me feel all day long .





I have been thinking a lot lately that I am damaged now ! Damaged by the illness , does it do that ? Does it damage your brain permanently ? It’s strange as you live each day to stay alive , stay on top but one thing comes along and your straight back into that place that only you know , only you go as I think each person has there own nightmares and demons to fight !!

More of a thought than an update if you like , I am pretty sure I am now damaged and won’t ever function as , not a normal person but my used to be normal . If that’s even a thing , confidence is rock bottom and it seems just another part that needs addressed before I can move on to the next what seems like Everest !!

So it would be good for me to find out if it’s a personal thing to feel like it has damaged you and you feel like that bit is missing / unfixable or if it is my own personal demon .

Thanks Again


Loneliness Is My Norm hr635

Hidemi’s Rambling by Hidemi Woods

The nearest grocery store from my home is a 25-minute walk away. That small local store carried a sale on eggs at one dollar for ten. I walked there with my partner to get them. Since my town is so small and rural, there are usually almost no pedestrians on the streets. Except that cars are passing by sparsely, I hardly see anybody. But on our way back home from the grocery store, I saw a woman standing by a field and watching wild flowers. It was rare to see someone on the street. As I was getting closer, I perceived her looking at me with her face filled with a big smile that was totally familiar to me. I knew her.
She used to be a resident in the apartment building where I live. We often came across and shared some time together at the communal spa in the…

View original post 795 more words

This ones all over the place !!

Friday : Felt really uncomfortable and very panicked the later it got and nearer bed time , it was getting worse, fell asleep 6:45 got lost in the hall I was confused and got in a panic really trying to keep myself together for Ann so she can get a bit peace , don’t want to let her down again and fail her .

Saturday : Slept a bit today after yesterday, I am exhausted, feeling like giving up but really trying to grind this out , went out with Ann to Tesco , went in and there it is , panic , fear , sore chest and it actually makes my eyes go weird ! drained , it’s draining and Ann was her usual solid reliable self and held my arm the whole time , that really helped me keep myself together . Back home and a good night just chilling and watching television , seem to be in a constant panic and feel sick when I think about coming back to the house . Bed and got a few hours sleep .

◦ Monday : Tired today and my legs and arms are heavy , been writing today and reading the stories I wrote for my wee beastie , crying again for no reason or a reason?? I had not been looking forward to staying at Christine’s at all , I was worried and scared . There’s nothing but peace and quiet here and everyone was hoping this would be a turning point because I’m not as anxious ! I realised today that it makes no difference whether there’s noise , chaos , or peace and quiet , the black dog still chews at my heels and the black fog follows me wherever I go , I did have a hope that space would help me get my head together a bit . Andy said it might be good and Dr Sharma was convinced it would . In reality it has left me feeling more dread and I am truly not giving a fuck now , all I see is black and all I feel is nothing , no future not being able to escape the demons that are weighing heavy on my shoulders ! When I try looking forward I see nothing , it’s empty ! Just try to sleep get up see out the day and try sleep again , I have just given in , it wins . It’s not like you would think oh come on you can keep fighting , keep exercising , get a hobby , go jogging , take your tablets , stay positive . The truth is that it’s not helping it’s not pushing me forward . I feel so hopeless and I just see hopelessness , just nothing ! Even feeling happiness or love if I’m having a good day its not a feeling it’s more like an automatic response and then it just goes ! Nothing after and that is killing me really eating away at me , it’s weird that I don’t feel sorry for myself I just hate myself for it . I wonder if others suffering have or do feel the same ? It’s like your trying to kill the hydra , you cut one head off and another one just takes its place !!! You would eventually get tired and just give up and walk away wouldn’t you , same for me I’m tired of swinging and the sword is too heavy to swing anymore. I thought giving up would feel different , like more … I don’t know how to explain it ? I feel weirdly at peace and that makes no sense as the war is definitely still raging in my head with no truce in sight any time soon ! What to do ? Can I live with it eating away at me , it has taken so much as I’m sure I’ve said before , it’s not giving anything back and I can’t get it back , treading water like this in a state of nothing and no point in anything but I can somewhere feel like it’s wrong to do it ? It’s just really far away and a tiny wee thought , I want to go back to the darkness I feel safer there and I know that’s mad and you wouId ask why ?? It just is , you have way less things to do , and that’s breathe and keep the demons quiet , keep you alive . If I was back in the really dark place , if not for the flash thought that I didn’t want to let Ann , Owen , Teegs , Carter and my family down even more than I have already it would be easier for me to get out , stamp my card and go . I have heard people lots of times saying , oh you’ve got something to live for and get better for now !! What like I didn’t before ? The wee man , and that is true , it’s very true ! He melts my heart and gives me more of a sense of purpose , makes me smile inside and out , which is a weird feeling for me ! Then nothing , it’s temporary sadly . I think I know why it makes me feel like I need to do something , be someone again , why I feel like it’s just me and him and no one else is on the planet . It’s because I have done nothing to hurt or upset the wee man , so there’s no crushing guilt for me to feel like it does with Ann , Owen , Teegs the Family and everyone that I have put through the wringer ! I have a thought that he wouldn’t remember me anyway , I wouId just be photos and stories to him , so that’s a moot point for me and tbh makes the guilt even worse because I know I should be doing better by him , and everyone else and I’m so sorry that I cant , I am confused and I don’t know what to do and no one seems to have any answers , so as the voices tell me , your a waste of space you will never achieve anything , why don’t my you just stop trying !

Notes from my diary .