Be yourself; Everyone else is already taken.— Oscar Wilde.
This is the first post on my new blog. I’m just getting this new blog going, so stay tuned for more. Subscribe below to get notified when I post new updates.
Be yourself; Everyone else is already taken.— Oscar Wilde.
This is the first post on my new blog. I’m just getting this new blog going, so stay tuned for more. Subscribe below to get notified when I post new updates.
I have been thinking a lot lately that I am damaged now ! Damaged by the illness , does it do that ? Does it damage your brain permanently ? It’s strange as you live each day to stay alive , stay on top but one thing comes along and your straight back into that place that only you know , only you go as I think each person has there own nightmares and demons to fight !!
More of a thought than an update if you like , I am pretty sure I am now damaged and won’t ever function as , not a normal person but my used to be normal . If that’s even a thing , confidence is rock bottom and it seems just another part that needs addressed before I can move on to the next what seems like Everest !!
So it would be good for me to find out if it’s a personal thing to feel like it has damaged you and you feel like that bit is missing / unfixable or if it is my own personal demon .
The nearest grocery store from my home is a 25-minute walk away. That small local store carried a sale on eggs at one dollar for ten. I walked there with my partner to get them. Since my town is so small and rural, there are usually almost no pedestrians on the streets. Except that cars are passing by sparsely, I hardly see anybody. But on our way back home from the grocery store, I saw a woman standing by a field and watching wild flowers. It was rare to see someone on the street. As I was getting closer, I perceived her looking at me with her face filled with a big smile that was totally familiar to me. I knew her.
She used to be a resident in the apartment building where I live. We often came across and shared some time together at the communal spa in the…
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Friday : Felt really uncomfortable and very panicked the later it got and nearer bed time , it was getting worse, fell asleep 6:45 got lost in the hall I was confused and got in a panic really trying to keep myself together for Ann so she can get a bit peace , don’t want to let her down again and fail her .
Saturday : Slept a bit today after yesterday, I am exhausted, feeling like giving up but really trying to grind this out , went out with Ann to Tesco , went in and there it is , panic , fear , sore chest and it actually makes my eyes go weird ! drained , it’s draining and Ann was her usual solid reliable self and held my arm the whole time , that really helped me keep myself together . Back home and a good night just chilling and watching television , seem to be in a constant panic and feel sick when I think about coming back to the house . Bed and got a few hours sleep .
◦ Monday : Tired today and my legs and arms are heavy , been writing today and reading the stories I wrote for my wee beastie , crying again for no reason or a reason?? I had not been looking forward to staying at Christine’s at all , I was worried and scared . There’s nothing but peace and quiet here and everyone was hoping this would be a turning point because I’m not as anxious ! I realised today that it makes no difference whether there’s noise , chaos , or peace and quiet , the black dog still chews at my heels and the black fog follows me wherever I go , I did have a hope that space would help me get my head together a bit . Andy said it might be good and Dr Sharma was convinced it would . In reality it has left me feeling more dread and I am truly not giving a fuck now , all I see is black and all I feel is nothing , no future not being able to escape the demons that are weighing heavy on my shoulders ! When I try looking forward I see nothing , it’s empty ! Just try to sleep get up see out the day and try sleep again , I have just given in , it wins . It’s not like you would think oh come on you can keep fighting , keep exercising , get a hobby , go jogging , take your tablets , stay positive . The truth is that it’s not helping it’s not pushing me forward . I feel so hopeless and I just see hopelessness , just nothing ! Even feeling happiness or love if I’m having a good day its not a feeling it’s more like an automatic response and then it just goes ! Nothing after and that is killing me really eating away at me , it’s weird that I don’t feel sorry for myself I just hate myself for it . I wonder if others suffering have or do feel the same ? It’s like your trying to kill the hydra , you cut one head off and another one just takes its place !!! You would eventually get tired and just give up and walk away wouldn’t you , same for me I’m tired of swinging and the sword is too heavy to swing anymore. I thought giving up would feel different , like more … I don’t know how to explain it ? I feel weirdly at peace and that makes no sense as the war is definitely still raging in my head with no truce in sight any time soon ! What to do ? Can I live with it eating away at me , it has taken so much as I’m sure I’ve said before , it’s not giving anything back and I can’t get it back , treading water like this in a state of nothing and no point in anything but I can somewhere feel like it’s wrong to do it ? It’s just really far away and a tiny wee thought , I want to go back to the darkness I feel safer there and I know that’s mad and you wouId ask why ?? It just is , you have way less things to do , and that’s breathe and keep the demons quiet , keep you alive . If I was back in the really dark place , if not for the flash thought that I didn’t want to let Ann , Owen , Teegs , Carter and my family down even more than I have already it would be easier for me to get out , stamp my card and go . I have heard people lots of times saying , oh you’ve got something to live for and get better for now !! What like I didn’t before ? The wee man , and that is true , it’s very true ! He melts my heart and gives me more of a sense of purpose , makes me smile inside and out , which is a weird feeling for me ! Then nothing , it’s temporary sadly . I think I know why it makes me feel like I need to do something , be someone again , why I feel like it’s just me and him and no one else is on the planet . It’s because I have done nothing to hurt or upset the wee man , so there’s no crushing guilt for me to feel like it does with Ann , Owen , Teegs the Family and everyone that I have put through the wringer ! I have a thought that he wouldn’t remember me anyway , I wouId just be photos and stories to him , so that’s a moot point for me and tbh makes the guilt even worse because I know I should be doing better by him , and everyone else and I’m so sorry that I cant , I am confused and I don’t know what to do and no one seems to have any answers , so as the voices tell me , your a waste of space you will never achieve anything , why don’t my you just stop trying !
Notes from my diary .
I still can’t get my head round the fact that it doesn’t matter how many people I am around , I still feel so lonely , like I’m the only person on the planet ! Depression does many things to you , it takes what somewhere far away I know is the truth , twisting it into something hateful and black and evil . I am in a better place than I was a year ago , and sometimes I think that’s worse because I can see a bit clearer it’s not as foggy ! I feel like I’ve came out of a very very dark wood and into a slightly less dark wood . It frightens me to be back in some kind of functioning place having to learn how to be me but different me if that makes any sense ? It seems sometimes it’s easier to live in the darkness , I know what happens there it’s just I’m not sure what happens out here , apart from panic around people and busy places and absolutely no confidence in myself at all . Too many emotions trying to get in at the same time it’s overwhelming me . I can feel myself slipping , feeling like I have broke into pieces again and I have little or no energy left to stand up and keep wading through the treacle . I am tired but not sleepy tired , I’m just tired ! I can still hear the voices , they come and taunt me and have been a lot in the last few weeks . Night terrors are not as bad as they were though I just can’t stop myself being terrified to sleep , when I do and no terrors I think maybe they’ve given up and I can feel better about sleeping , they come back and I am terrified again ! I have found myself and been found lying or sitting or even a couple of times standing upright in random places all over the house during the night ??. I can’t imagine , even though I’m in it that there’s no day no night just one loop , sleeping is terrifying and so is during the day ! How can I win in that situation ? it’s impossible and twisted . I wish sometimes you could have a sneak peek in my brain see what’s going on and then be like ahhh that’s f****d up and frightening ! Feeling like a failure and being in the way , no use to anybody makes you feel even more lonely , and the thought that you don’t really need to be here seems a fair point to me , a lot of the time when I feel that sick sinking feeling I know the darkness is coming I just want to run away and hide in a hole somewhere dark and cold . Another part of this illness is that it makes me just feel like self destructing and being self destructive, that’s the part that makes me want to hurt myself or worse and it’s so hard and tiring stopping myself ! Talking about tiring , a 10 minute conversation and I’m wiped out and feel exhausted , I suppose it will be less tiring with time ? I will keep living hour to hour as can’t look too far ahead as it is just too scary at the minute ! I think I will never be better , just not as bad or accept it and just keep pretending I’m ok and breakdown alone , It has scarred me badly and it still is , my broken brain .
Taken in aggregate, a small bump in the road can easily be understood as something which would prompt somebody to commit suicide. While you might say to somebody who’s lost their job “just get another job” it’s actually much more complicated than that: most people are only one or two unfortunate and mostly unintentional ( let’s call them happenings ) away from major financial difficulties. The whole house of cards can collapse very easily , everybody is leveraged to the max. Therefore everyone is living close to the edge .
An important reason why people commit suicide, that demands further discussion, is the way that life is set up so that retreat is almost impossible. Nobody ever asks for a demotion. Nobody ever asks for a pay cut. Nobody ever wants to pull their kids out of private school to put them into state school. Nobody ever wants to cut off their kids’ allowance, or stop paying into a savings account for their university education. Nobody ever wants to lose their trophy partner, because they can’t afford to keep them in the manner to which they have been accustomed. Nobody wants to downsize or move in with family. It’s all a one-way street.
Of course, you might say that it’s stupid to get worked up about material things. “Of course” everyone would understand about having to sell the fancy car, not go on holiday, leave the fancy school, not buy the nice things, maybe not have the same opportunities. “Of course” so the saying goes “we’ve still got each other” except it doesnt work like that does it ? I could hear me say the same things many times before so I know it’s words you say without a thought , not genuine thoughts .
Because believe you me when the money dries up, everyone fucks off, and then the vultures move in to pick any remaining flesh off the carcass. Everybody loves a good failure it would seem .
Yes, we really do have to acknowledge that we all become highly leveraged such that relatively small problems are life-destroying, and as such, they are life-ending.
We are optimists by nature. We always assume that the stock market is going to keep going up, the housing market is going to keep going up, our salary is going to keep going up , everything must always go up, according to our human proclivity for optimism. It’s not that people are stupid, although of course they are that too, but there’s a fundamental hard-wired kind of specific stupidity I’m talking about the tendency towards optimism , even in the face of overwhelming evidence to the contrary.
If we were beasts of pure reason and logic, we’d kill ourselves as soon as we grasped our situation: a life of pain, depression, anxiety, suffering, hard work and other unpleasantness, met an inevitable death at the end. Why put myself through that?
Our self-preservation instincts have evolved to counteract our higher brain functions, lest our species die out, but still… why bother? It’s completely illogical to live your life hoping for anything: death is inevitable; illness, pain and suffering is almost inevitable. Almost nobody dies “peacefully” in their sleep: decades of slow, painful and uncomfortable dying await us all.
Obviously, we hope to achieve immortality through our genes, passed on to our children. Or rather, our genes hope to be replicated. We are, after all, just a vessel for genes to reproduce themselves, and it would be foolish to try to convince ourselves otherwise.
In the eternally optimistic quest for a “better life” we strive to get a bigger salary, bigger house, more attractive partner, as many kids as we can realistically feed and clothe… then we move onto status symbols, like university degrees, professional qualifications/certification, fancy cars, luxury holidays… still we are not satisfied .
At some point, pretty early on in our life, we become locked into a certain destiny. Pretty much, once you’ve got kids, you are locked-into a certain kind of life: although you might fantasise about selling your house and living in a camper van, you never will, because you are locked in, in so many ways. Even if you’re wealthy and single, you’re never going to sell everything you own and become a homeless nomad. You might have gone off on a gap year, you predictable tedious middle-class wanker, but you know that any more gaps on your CV wouldn’t look good on your otherwise unblemished career track-record.
Those who are unlucky enough to suffer such a misfortune go one of two ways: they’re kicked out of mainstream life, and must accept their plight trapped in the underclass forevermore, or you commit suicide. There’s no other line of retreat; there’s no way back for those who err or suffer a misfortune.
This might seem like a bleak outlook, but you know it’s true. I know it to be true as one small bump can lead to instability and then comes collapse !! Hopefully you never have the misfortune of that particular situation ! All I would say is no one is infallible , no one exempt !!!!
Something to consider ?
When we’re alone our sorrows can bring out our darkest selves , but sharing our hearts lights a better way ……..
It seems that my illness or depression or anxiety or all three whatever it is ? I don’t think either or really. it’s just there in varying levels ! Up and down these days , I can have for me a reasonable afternoon or morning but it’s a sore struggle trying to keep pushing forward ! In a way that leaves me exhausted mentally and physically and the next , well really however many days that it decides I suppose . I have at the moment having real issues being heard , I mean people can hear me ! but not listening to what I am trying to tell them and have been for a while now . I feel as if I have been cut loose and I am totally overwhelmed and confused with not a clue what to do , so then it gets worse ! Nobody gives a shit about me and my stupid destructive , fucked up head . I can’t get my psychiatrist to listen , I seen him the other week and told him that the suicidal thoughts were taking over again and worryingly for me is that I am calm again , not concerned about it or what comes after for anyone ! To me it’s just a thing to do , like going for a walk or go to the shops , you don’t necessarily want to go you just feel you have to . I apologise for writing in the third person , I have just realised it sounds like I am giving advice! I’m definitely not doing that , it is just me and how I’m feeling just now . It probably sounds to most people a huge thing contemplating suicide that seriously and sound like it’s just a thing to do , I can’t help it I don’t have a choice as my brain is not working like ‘ normal ‘ but if you have been or are here you will probably get it .
I have started having manic phases where I just go at a task until I basically can’t physically do any more , councillor says it’s a coping mechanism though not one he would recommend as when it comes to the next day or whenever and I can’t do anything except think about it , even that hurts and is tiring !! I will beat myself up and chalk up another failure to add to the huge list that is already there . I do feel as if , and I know I don’t have a place in the world , my house , my life or my family . Nothing but trying to wade through the mud and I see everyone moving on , going back to there normal , and don’t get me wrong I am delighted for them and at the same time not happy for them , because I am stuck in this shitty existence of just grinding out days hoping that I can keep the demons and voices away or at least quiet ! Put a bigger effort in just so that I’m not boring people with the same shit over and over . I am aware that it must be torture to deal with and with that I do worry ! I’m not even getting in the way any more I’m just like a big feckin anchor weighing everyone down and dragging them down with me ! Whether they say it or not makes no odds to me ! I mean wouId I not be pissed off dealing with this everyday ?? The answer is yes definitely !!
So back to my original question and the huge problem just now is where am I ? I don’t know is the honest answer , I feel lost again , lonely and guilty . This is how I’m feeling and have been for a while now but it may change tomorrow, who knows it might just be a whole new who knows what ?? I had a really positive message from someone the other day that actually reduced me to tears , just sobbed . They were reading the blog and it was going a little way to understanding what there family member was going through . no thanks needed as I have said before it helps me a lot , if it helps someone else then that’s good isn’t it ? This bit is much tougher going than before when I was just an absolute mess !! I can see a bit more now , and no lies going back there doesn’t seem half as scary as dealing with now , how stupid is that !! If I could pause the world while I sort out one thing at a time in my head that would be perfect for me . It won’t happen I know but there’s too many to deal with I can’t let anything else in and that’s really tough because I am just functioning again same as I was before , so what’s the point ? That’s what I have also been asking !
Im now a grandad with and he is a little belter , and a credit to his mum and dad !! though he is a bit fiery he’s doing well and starting to smile now which is making everyone melt 😍
I should really finish here it’s getting late and I should try and get some sleep !! If only I could . I’ve got more written down that I will post soon .
Thanks and as always feel free to comment .
Just start off with anyone who knows me , and has supported me through this illness from the start including all the support and comments through my blog , I was starting to feel a bit better , was able to function a bit better don’t get me wrong the night terrors are still with me , I don’t sleep for fear of the terrors , I still hurt myself accidentally on the cooker or with a knife . Just because I can’t remember if things are hot! Sounds a bit stupid I’m sure, it’s just I don’t think and forget things are hot ! I still talk to my voices and fight as hard as I can to keep the demons away . Now I have to confess that I have been hiding things and have been putting on a front again just to let people get on and move on as everyone is , and not trapped with me in my shitty dark confusing lonely world !! I’m stuck here with the world passing me by , I do feel a bit jealous sometimes but then that’s a scary place out there that I’m not ready for yet . I’ve been spending a lot of time trying to figure out how I’ve went wrong ? How am I not moving forward ? Why am I back with those black thoughts that don’t go away and I’m now thinking it’s the zbest way forward , especially now that life for everyone else is back to normal ! I’m a burden again , stopping people from being happy and I’m not in that world, I’m stuck in my lonely place with nowhere to go , stuck in my own head . I have been telling everyone how I’m feeling but it seems no ones listening to me , I feel like they have just dismissed what I am telling them , and even now after putting down every feeling , every horrible detail out there for all to read , telling someone your suicidal is not easy ! Then to have them just not entertain it has just fed into my thoughts that I’m not wanted , not to be bothered about , thrown out to sort it myself . Brutal truth is I can’t sort myself , I don’t know how to and I am just too exhausted to gather the strength it takes , so frustrated I feel so useless and hopeless ! I’m finding myself just being manic, trying not to stop , not to think because I can hear them and get that sick feeling in the pit of my stomach again .
Bottom line is I’m really struggling , so much pain physically and mentally drained ! I want out again , feel like lying down in a field and just seeing what happens , run away and hide on my own somewhere , only because it seems like it would not be so bad for everyone as committing suicide would be , I have thought a lot about which is best , not for me but to let everyone get on not being dragged down by me all the time , taking and giving nothing back . Over a year and constantly fighting everyday just to get by has left me exhausted and empty , numb and really don’t give a f@@k where it ends I just want it to ! Crying for no reason , sore heads that cause nosebleeds because I can’t stop , not even for a minute ! I’m fighting the urge to get in the car , go to my place . I had another plan that I would find my pills , get in the car , stop somewhere take the pills , lie down look up at the sky and just soak away . Need to shout louder but don’t see the point it’s even more tiring , sick of being tired ! no one that can help is listening ! No one knows what it takes , why I think the way I do , why suicide would save them from suffering anymore . Hate myself for it when I am a bit less foggy and dark , what’s the end game ? Where am I going ? No idea where , but I know I’m done , you win depression, too tired and now am giving in to it !! Isolating myself so as not to get in the way , hiding anywhere I can to keep out thevwaylet people keep moving on . Toiling not to pick up the gin and the Jack Danielsv Mr and drink til I pass out . Unconscious at peace , pain numbed for a bit , maybe look in the mirror and see me as apose to not recognising who’s looking back at me . So do you shout louder take the time and wait to see if anyone hears what I’m really saying ? We will see
You need a different scale of ambition when struggling with your mental health. What i can usually do or achieve goes out of the window. Instead i have to start small, really small. Look up at a tree. Go to the park. Water a plant.
When people ask me ‘what makes you anxious? How are you feeling?’ I often find myself responding with ‘I don’t know’. That’s what’s hard to come to terms with about anxiety – I don’t know what it is, what triggers it why I’m feeling the way I do on a daily basis. I just know it’s there.
I just need you there so that the loneliness and the sadness and the despair doesn’t drown me. I just need some help treading water for a little longer. But I can’t tell you this. I can’t tell you because I am scared to admit it to myself yet.
The last one is how you feel most of the time ! I admit it to myself some of the time though most times not , it’s really tough and you have to stop a second and remind yourself that you have people round you that don’t really understand but they will try and do they’re best .
Hi still here !
This lockdown has turned everything on it’s head for me , and for all those that read or have read my blogs you will know how trapped and how pointless days have been , lockdown for me was just another day the same as all the days before and suddenly I’m not the odd one out , the one who people can’t understand what I’m talking about . Days just melt into one , there’s no days just sleeping and waking up , cut off from your family and friends not able to visit ! Well that’s where I have been and am still ! So I guess Covid has shown everyone a wee bit of what I and many others do and have been feeling all this time ??
I started doing this blog not to have people reading it and feeling sorry for me , not to get likes or followers , not for my ego because to be honest when I started writing I had no clue what I was doing , where I was ! Apart from it was awful black and still after re reading my past blogs cannot remember writing them . It is just my way of venting , writing down how I’m feeling , trying to untie the mess and understanding what the hell is happening to me , if it reaches one person and they can relate then that’s amazing and if not I still continue writing , just because it helps I suppose . So how’s it going ?
Better than before , I can see a bit clearer and understand a bit more and can see the wee chinks I’m always being told about , though I’m not going to lie from then to date it has brought new challenges , new more realistic fears , worries and at the same time being very aware of where I was and being terrified of making a mistake and heading back into the fog , the blackness ! So things are still really tough but just in a different way now . Depression still causes my brain to lie to me , I know what’s happened and it is just that , something that happened , my depression doesn’t want me to know that , it wants only sadness and self doubt , no confidence in yourself or your decisions , I’m pretty sure it’s trying desperately to push the big red self destruct button ! One of the hardest things for me just now is the feeling that everyone has moved on , the worlds moving on and I have been left behind and can’t catch up so then I’m feeling lonely and hopeless and I suppose a wee bit jealous that I can’t be normal and move with everyone. I have hit a brick wall and can’t find the energy to climb over it , I’m just so tired, most days feels like I’m dragging myself around and at the same time dragging everyone with me , I feel so guilty and can’t shake it , everyone says it’s not my fault but it kinda is I mean I caused it , it was me that thought I could take the world on my shoulders and fix everything at once ! Me that chose that so me that caused it , fact !! I can’t tell if what I’m feeling or thinking is the truth or if it’s just my illness playing games , I guess I’m trying to explain that theres not just one path or one cure your looking for , there’s still so many different problems to solve , it’s like painting the Forth Road Bridge by the time you get to one end you just start over again !
The truth is that people move on and onto another crisis , another something to think about , your not a raving loony any more , your ok and as anyone that suffers from depression or anxiety knows , that is far from the truth so you start to feel like your very alone again left to wade through on your own and then the wee voice says fuck it no one cares , and you just agree , like a kid that doesn’t know any better and trusts what it’s being told ! It is all so confusing and sore really , it hurts it really does . This is another crossroads for me , another hurdle towards the end whatever that is ? Do I have the energy , do I want to find the extra energy ? I don’t know just now , I just know that the struggle to get this small distance is leaving me with a long way to go as I’ve said before is it easier to just live with it live like this until everyone is gone and it’s just me left ? I can’t help pushing people away , I’m told and i think it’s the way forward to save any more pain for anyone . Truth is I don’t know what’s best I can only listen to the voices telling me it’s the best for me and for everyone else and them really . It’s difficult just now not to hurt myself , punish myself , to feel better to feel different pain , run away ? Andy my councillor asks me do you really want to be dead ? Not sure what that means ?. I don’t see it like that , I don’t think about being dead as you would , it’s just a place to go !! I’ve got Dr Sharma on Friday for meds review and a grilling , so will see how that goes . I have recently became a grandad and my wee beastie does make me smile ( when he’s not screaming the house down ) he is something to cling onto which is pathetic really that I would be hanging onto my wee beastie , a grown man like me should be letting him hang on to me , be his grandad . He has no idea how important he is to me for a few reasons , and I hope to god he never does .
Thanks again and as always feel free to get in touch , to chat shite just to pass the time or just cos I get it .
I found my scribbling pad so I will start writing that down on the blog